Farkrumteh Velt

2011-11-08T11:49:00.001-05:00

"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail."

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

2011-10-03T16:33:00.002-04:00

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Remember–you can either be happy or RIGHT.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Son: Dad, is it true that marriage costs a lot?
Father: I don’t know son, still paying…

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

2011-02-10T12:22:00.002-05:00

Toward the end of the weekly Torah sermon, the Rabbi asked, "How many of you have been moichel your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

A week later the Rabbi repeated his question. All responded affirmative this time, except for Mr. Chaim Rosenberg, who was one of the elders from the community.

"Mr. Rosenberg, It's good to see you here today. Now with all due respect, why are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Rosenberg, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Rosenberg, would you please come up in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

Mr. Rosenberg tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all those schmucks!"

Larry says:

2011-02-10T11:54:00.003-05:00

Every time I buy a new suit I make sure it at least a size or two to large, that way whenever people see me they exclaim "wow Larry, you look like you've lost weight recently!"

2011-02-07T11:01:00.000-05:00

Monday morning at work and i'm in a surprisingly good mood, must be Adar :)

Mishenichnas Adar Marbim Bi...

2011-02-04T11:09:00.001-05:00

""Hangover" is just another name for "Friday" or "Tuesday" for you. Ur like the hangover pro..." lolololol!

2010-12-14T17:33:00.002-05:00

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

~ Kin Hubbard

Thoughts: Change is good.

2010-11-30T10:54:00.005-05:00

After a friend of mine pointed out how (much) I've changed over time, (and here I thought I was same old me,) and after pushing myself to make some changes on my own recently...

People are forever changing, it's just a matter of noticing.

Amazing how a person may be the last to notice a change within one's self.

Subconscious change and change by chance is simple and easy, the real test is when you make a conscious decision to change, because then your mind has a say in the matter.

Great quote “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Now that's a full service store.

2010-11-16T17:24:00.000-05:00

2010-11-16T15:58:00.002-05:00

Self Flattery - Another way of saying stupid things at the wrong time.

From Wires:

2010-07-26T16:23:00.000-04:00

WHo still reads this stuff anyhow? ;)

2010-07-15T18:15:00.001-04:00

Missing you

2010-04-20T17:53:00.002-04:00

2008-03-24T09:06:00.002-04:00

Q. What goes up and never comes down?

A. Your age :)

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

Happy Birthday to me.

Me

Awesome

2008-03-19T17:41:00.001-04:00

my new favorite quote

2008-02-24T05:02:00.002-05:00

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while

;)

2008-02-17T01:15:00.002-05:00

Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Gosh it's been a while...

So full of energy right now, thank g-d for shabbos and weekends, otherwise tied down to work, but B'h all is well...

Just wanted to say Hi!

Shavua tov.

CS?

Check this

2008-01-14T00:15:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4noZTx8UIXE

People will stare*

2007-12-13T02:33:00.001-05:00

What if I don't want them to?

*Ad for Sony Vaio

2007-11-09T15:31:00.000-05:00

glumbert - Pre-Flight Announcements Get Fashionable

Turn up the volume and enjoy :)

2007-11-07T15:57:00.000-05:00

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Old favorite of mine
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

*********************************

Chasidishe Shaigitz + Rabbi = Identity crisis?

(Waiting to get my certificate signed)

In other news, me busy looking for a job...

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Smile
Statistics show that people who smile and laugh tend to be happier than those who don't.
Me: well DUH! You mean some genius had to do research to figure that out!? ;)

Oy Sheesh Shoysh Oysh, Ahhhhh much better, have a great day

Rabbi CS (eeesh)

2007-10-23T00:47:00.000-04:00

How NOT To Get A Job

Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview.
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:

* "What is it that you people do at this company?"
* "What is the company motto?"
* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
* "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
* "Why do you want references?"
* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
* "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
* "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
* "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
* "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process:

* "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
* "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
* "I feel uneasy indoors."
* "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
* "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
* "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
* "I get excited very easily."
* "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
* "I am fascinated by fire."
* "I like tall women."
* "Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
* "People are always watching me."
* "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
* "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
* "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
* "I never get hungry."
* "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
* "Honestly, sometimes I get lazy."
* "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
* "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
* "My legs are really hairy."
* "I think I'm going to throw up."

These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)

* "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
* "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
* "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
* "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
* "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
* "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
* "Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
* "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
* "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
* "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
* "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
* "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
* "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
* "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
* "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
* "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
* "References: none. I've left a path of descruction behind me."

2007-10-20T23:18:00.001-04:00

Bored?

Need to make a decision, but have no change handy?

Nervous that flipping a coin may cause it to fly out the window?

Have no fear, the coin flipper is here.

2007-10-15T11:42:00.002-04:00

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr.Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Pinot Grigio, a bottle of Glenlivet 18, a bottle of Belvedere Vodka, a package of Rugelach (chocolate), the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Chips and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

2007-10-15T11:42:00.001-04:00

2007-10-01T05:27:00.000-04:00

Hey! Hi!

Gut mo'ed!

Let's all get shikker in the sukker!

Me leaving to toronto manyana, seems I've gotten tired of the CH simchas beis/simchas torah scene... sheesh!

...Hey, Bye!

Moadim Lisimcha :)

2007-09-24T19:48:00.000-04:00

2007-09-19T02:41:00.000-04:00

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas!"

2007-09-11T03:52:00.000-04:00

Wishing y’all a happy, glad, (euphoric oops no scratch that one ;) content, blessed, blissful, jolly, joyous, successful, prosperous, triumphant, fruitful, wondrous, marvelous, fantastic, glorious, sensational, stupendous, brilliant, smashing, galluptious, extraordinary, phenomenal, astonishing, fabulous, awesome, awe-inspiring, fortuitous, auspicious, favorable, prosperous, providential, serendipitous, terrific, fulfilling, perfect, kosher… YEAR!

Umm Yah, ksiva vachasima tova to all of you, may g-d bless you all with whatever you may NEED, and whatever you may WANT. Only joy, peace and happiness.. in short hope y’all have a phenomenal year!

CS.

......................

Like a newborn child in a delivery room in a doctor’s arms, I pray to you hashem…

Before you I am nothing, soiled and stained, tiny and naked, entirely exposed.

I have fate and belief in you hashem. Please hold me tightly and dear in your hands. Please don’t forsake me, please look after me. Shield and protect me so that I may be…

All that I ask hashem is that you give me a chance, to grow and to change, to learn and to mature in this coming year… For I am your son and I wont let you down.

....

Anon ...But listen buster
the aibershter does give you the chance ......!!!!
me: I know

;)

***********************

RH Humor

Looking Back

2007-09-10T04:09:00.000-04:00

Been kinda busy lately.

Funny how every time I’m in the mood of bloggin’ I can’t seem to find anything to blog about, and then every time something way bloggable occurs I’m either not in the mood or haven’t got the time for it… Sheesh & Shoysh.

2007-09-02T06:45:00.000-04:00

Tonight I met a broken heart
Outside smiling, inside crying
No tears, no sorrow to share
Only noticeable to those who were aware

Worlds are turned inside out
Hearts are shattered, left with doubt
Without a cry life goes on
Only sorrow, no tomorrow

Broken hearted, soul torn apart
A delicate flame, barely a spark
Waiting for something, someone to care
Lounging for comfort, a heart to repair

But I feel your pain, and I feel your sorrow
And I pray with you for a better tomorrow
When all hearts will mend, and all lives will shine
When all (our) pain and troubles will be left behind

***************************

Quick definitions (nudnik)

# noun: (Yiddish) someone who is a boring pest

:P

Gut Voch.

Another one gone and another one gone…

2007-08-27T03:18:00.000-04:00

Another one bites the dust :)

Mazal tov to my dear friend Levi Z upon his engagement, may you and your kallah have only simchas, lots of brachos, parnasah and hatlzacha, and everything that you may need. Aight and of course mazal as well for anything you may want ;)

Mazal tov!

Marriage
-They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

-He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."

Leadership
Abe is sunbathing in his back garden in Brooklyn one Sunday afternoon when a small spaceship appears out of nowhere and lands near him. A strange looking spaceman gets out, walks over to Abe and says, "Take me to your leader."

"I can’t," replies Abe, "at this time my wife yenta is upstate with the children..."

What an angel
Sadie has been married for five years and is pleased when her husband Issy starts to call her ‘an angel’. She likes compliments as much as the next woman, but after it goes on for a few weeks, Sadie asks Issy, "Why do you call me an angel, dear?"

"Because," replies Issy, "you’re always up in the air, you’re continually harping on about something and you never have a thing to wear."

What they don’t teach in chosson classes…
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Birthday Surprise
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the husband. "She's expecting a cruise."

The Necklace
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Mother-in-law
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

The Wedding Ring
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Man of the house.
A man left for work one Thursday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

MARRIAGE is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

Engagement, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

Ahhh silence
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

2007-08-24T05:15:00.000-04:00

Unconditional Love
A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.

"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."
"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

BUTTERFLY
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

I asked for Strength.........
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom.........
And God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity.........
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage.........
And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love.........
And God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors.........
And God gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted ........
I received everything I needed!

Value
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special - Don't ever forget it!

Hope you all have a phenomenal and inspirational shabbos,
CS.

2007-08-23T04:07:00.000-04:00

Click on pic to enlarge

2007-08-22T04:16:00.000-04:00

Brrrrr! Whatever happened to global warming?! Today was a real "Poopy" day, OK fine so I got some learning done, but the darn cold plus the rain was just Oh so dreary.

Did I mention that today was COLD!

Me really thinks that there should be an official "rainy day" kinda like holiday, where on a designated rain day all persons MUST stay in bed, cozy under the covers, while listening to the rain pouring down outside... Yah Yah I know, dream on.

Anyhoo, was upstate this past shabbos, yeah I know so against my policy of "why would anyone travel two hours to a swampy mosquito infested place called a bungalow colony to stay in a little shack AKA "bungalow"" although I must admit the bungalows thees days are quite impressive, almost like houses minus the cleaning lady...

Was interesting to note how back in the days in me old colony we (as kids) would be up outside all night playing cops and shgotzim or capture the flag till like 2am, while these days it seems all the young ones are camped out inside their bungalows by 10pm watching movies, man whatever happened to the good 'ole days.
In other news, dovid and I have finally sent in out taaruvos smicha tests (one week and seven pages later) and have now finally moved on to the part "hilchos shabbos" Woohooo, yay and other words of exaggerated joy. :)

Oh yah and I couldn't help but smile on the previous post when guys were asking ME for MY answers on smicha, I mean like SHEESH you know moshiach is coming when you have people asking a "Chasidishe SHAIGITZ" for answers on halachah ;)

I feel speYcial.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Stam was thinking "nobody is perfect..."

Nobody knows, nobody cares, nobody tried, nobody thought, nobody could figure it out, nobody knew the answer, nobody was there... yadda yaddayadda...

Sometimes it ain't that bad to be a "Nobody".

If only everybody would see that in every nobody there is a somebody...

Can anybody think of a way to finish or re-word that last sentence for me? I honestly would but it's getting kinda early and my brain is going into hibernate mode. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Zweet dreams.

2007-08-20T03:32:00.000-04:00

Was thinking of posting...

But figured I'll just leave it for tomorrow.

I would love to post about procrastination, but I know I'll never get around to it.

2007-08-16T03:08:00.000-04:00

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted." I haven't added them up yet."

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

2007-08-14T05:51:00.000-04:00

...And lead me not into temptation... lest I have someone to blame.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself

2007-08-13T00:45:00.000-04:00

Um Ya, if anyone has any idea what Rabbi Yoroslavsky's exact mailing address might be PLEASE can you get it to me ASAP.

Ehh hold on a sec, I take back that "ANY idea" and "Might be" ya see I have some idea, but it might not be... So if you happen to KNOW...

Thanks in advance. As well as can be, be.

Me.

Mouse Story ...
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.
REMEMBER: EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend.

2007-08-11T23:57:00.000-04:00

Implements of Math Destruction
At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

2007-08-10T06:02:00.000-04:00

THE PIRCHEI SHOSHANIM SHULCHAN ARUCH LEARNING PROJECT

Nosain Tam Lifgam

The Pischei Tshuvah brings an instance of a non-Jew who was digging a well fell in and died. It is not known if he was kavush in the water for 24 hours. The Pri Tavuah permitted the water based on a combination of three reasons:

1) This is a case of sofek kavush (like the Rama).

2) The issur of eating a non-Jew is based on an asai (positive commandment) as opposed to a lo t’asai (negative commandment).

3) Perhaps the non-Jew gives a bad taste to the well water.

Came across this (actual text) while doing test research... No joke but had me cracking up enough to put in another few hours of studying :)

Almost, almost done with the taaruvos test (don't ask, it's taking forever) Lord I can't wait to move on.

2007-08-08T04:41:00.000-04:00

Ok so I was hanging out with a friend tonight and stam talking when we came acrooss a certain topic which I felt was just oh so bloggable. Anyhow I typed up what my anon friend had said and then (forced?) had him edit it to his words.... Whatever, tell me what you think.

Anonnymousd friend of CS said/wrote:

When going out with another who you feel for, there is no wrong. It’s amazing how whatever you say comes out just right in such a spontaneous effortless manner. You’re so “in the zone” that nothing can screw it up. Unless of course you say something totally out of line, everything that comes out your mouth - even the silliest jibber-jabber - is like sacred pearls of wisdom (CS says: Oh so chhhhh…. earful) As cheesy as it sounds, it feels as though every action, thought or speech is predestined, guided by an invisible angel, almost like an out-of-body experience. It’s kinda funny, but lets say if you were to say a joke for example and you were to totally botch it up, while if it were on the first of second date it might be really awkward or nebbish, however, once you have been out for a while it seems like there is no wrong, meaning that even if you were to screw up a simple joke the other person would consider it the mess up as cute and funny either way…

I guess that’s why even the most seemingly nebby/nerdy/goofy/geeky people manage to land/catch such great opposites, the theory is that if it is it bashert then the bottom line is that no matter what you try to say or how you say it, it’s almost as though G-d puts “gems” in your mouth and everything comes out just right 

Bottom line, if it’s meant to be, then let it be. Just be yourself, trust in yourself, cuz yourself is all you have to give. While dating, don’t try to be anything you’re not. Just let it flow, don’t worry too much how you’re acting or what you’re saying, cause if you’re “feeling it”, it’ll all just come to you naturally.

Yay! (I Just had to as that in)

Signed, a fool in love (me says AKA tzorus :P)

PS I wish the same for all of you imy’h.

****************************

Kids know best:

Q: How do you decide who to marry?
A: No one really decides before they grwo up. G-d decides it all the way before, and you get to find out later who you'r stuck with. Kristen, 10

Q: What do your mom and dad have in common?
A: Both dont want to have any more kids. Lori, 8

Q: What do most people do on a first date?
A: On the first date, they usually just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested anough to go on a second date. Martin 10.

Eeeesh! CS, 24.

Oh and one more for good luck: I was on my knees cleaning the oven when my husband came home after a round of golf. One look at the sweat pouring out of my brow and he took pity on me.
"Hold on" he said. "I'll help." A minute later, my knight in shining armor came back with a pillow. "here, kneel on this."

2007-08-07T03:55:00.000-04:00

Heaven on earth ;)

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Found out recently we would be taking the smicha test this week, so my chavrusah and I crammed in a few 9 hour days last week (look back at last posts 5am breakfast :) and just started taking the written test on taaruvos today. Almost half done and should/better be finished manyana. Woohoo.

2007-08-02T05:35:00.000-04:00

No jury duty for me! :)

LONG STORY SHORT: I ended up sitting in this gigantic waiting room from 8:30am till 3pm this past friday. I coined the waiting room "the fish bowl" named after 770 cuz basically all your doing is trying your darn hardest to keep yourself occupied and entertained till you get "called up"

Anyhow they actually called me up for one case with around 12 other people some of whom really seemed to be "Intellectually challenged", and gathered us all into a small room to check us out and see if we were right for jury duty.

Being that I was going crazy enough (yes I probably could have pleaded insanity to be excused from jury duty due the long wait in the fishbowl) I decided to skip all the great excuses I had come up with and opted for the one which was sure to get me excused. Please note I would not have done it if it had to be in public but on the bottom of the questionnaire which you fill out before you go in for the interrogation they have this little box which you can check if you want to discuss anything in private with them lawyers.

Lawyer: Mr. CS, you said you had something to discuss in private...
Me: well ya see its like this, 1. I'v been to Israel for quite some time... and so therefore I must say that I don’t have the most favorable view of Muslim Arabs (Probably shoulda told them of the night I was sitting outside café rimon and this arab came by and stabbed two of their workers while I was eating there.)
Oh and 2. Being that I live in Brooklyn where (think riots) where the majority of crime is committed by "African Americans" (funny how just a few nights before then I had some AA punk shooting stones at me from his apartment window with a slingshot) and so I must admit that I don’t hold very highly of ‘em.
Lawyer: So does that mean that you don’t think you will be able do judge people from certain ethnic background favorably?
Me: Yah yah, good one, exactly whatever you said.
And that was that for me :)

Oysh, so much more to write, but just got back from my chavrusah's place a little while ago after having a 5am breakfast... (hopefully next post will explain) Shoin, its getting early, time to go shlufin.

2007-07-31T13:38:00.000-04:00

A Chinese businessman operating out of south China suffers a string of robberies. He calls up his associate in Israel and asks him if he ever had a problem with robberies.

"Not really," replies the Israeli. "We have this thing we put on the doorpost - called a mezuzah - and it protects our homes from harm." "Send me one," begs the Chinese guy, "I'm desperate for a solution."

A few weeks later, the Israeli gets his mezuzah back in the mail. He
calls up his Chinese friend. "Nu," he asks him. "The mezuzah didn't
work? You were robbed again?"

"No, no," the Chinese guy assures him, "no robberies."
"So why did you send it back?" The Chinese guy sighs. "I dunno," he says. "Ever since I hung it up, the doorbell doesn't stop ringing. Each time a different dude standing there, saying the same thing: 'Tzedoko!'"

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important. Put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I, my brother's kipah?"

A Rabbi, who was late for a golf game, was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day at his office in synagogue, his secretary said, "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg," she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

This one actually works!!!

2007-07-30T00:39:00.001-04:00

Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Keep going . .
Don't stop .. .

...
...
...
...
...
...

Think of an
Animal
That begins
With that letter.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Think of
Either a man's/woman's
Name
That
Begins
With the
Last letter
In the
Animals name

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Almost
There........

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Take the
Hand you
FIRST counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Look at your
Palm
Very closely
And
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?!

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Of course not.......

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
Yourself in the head, get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
internet games!

Smile & have
A great day!

OH, Gotcha!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-26T05:33:00.000-04:00

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

2007-07-25T03:26:00.000-04:00

this is so true......

On the first day, God created the dog and said:"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you --- go forth.

Credit to Shadchun :)

*****************

WIRES Just sent me this pic
Which reminded me of THIS post. ;)

2007-07-23T04:53:00.000-04:00

Shoin
So one guy says to another guy, " Goldberg and Rosenstern were talking one day...

HOLD IT !, ....his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

Two beggars in Ireland
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, “Nu Moishe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

Izzy’s Last Will and Testament

Izzy has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Izzy’s Last Will and Testament:

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

A Serious Chat with Mom

Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone...

"Darling, How are you? This is Mommy."

"Oh Mommy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mommy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."

"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"

"Why, David 's your husband....Is this 555-3749?"

"No, this is 555-3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Four Letter Words

Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.

"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon, darling?"

"Oh mom," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."

Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mom, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mom, get into your car now and come and take me home."

"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."

"Please mom, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.

"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mom, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."

Sincere rabbinical student. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

:)
Wishing y'all a easy, meaningful, and fast fast,
CS.

2007-07-20T04:54:00.000-04:00

The convert

Moishe Kneidel converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Kneidel," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

********************
Aight so basically I was called up for jury duty next Friday and so I’m putting together a list of possible excuses for getting dismissed from it. Here’s what I got so far:

Reasons/statements/questions for getting out meself out of jury duty…

1. Listen judge I’ve got to be honest, I come from a nice Jewish family, so sure I can come over and listen to the prosecutor and defendant… but bottom line I’m going to have to side with whatever my mother says!

2. Well ya see honorable sir, I’m an observant Jew so the thing is do you think you can maybe arrange a minyan for mincha?

3. Ehh, would it be ok if I brought along a 6 pack? Or 2: Tell me, ya think we’ll be done on time for happy hour? Of course best would be to stumble in there stinking of alcohol and exclaiming “Oh My Garsh! You mean dish ishint the Alcoholic’sh Anonymoush gazzzering?! Me Lord I musht have gotten me calendar funcused, but not to worry your shweet royal highneshhhh, I shwear I’m not as drunk assss I sink you are!”

4. Honestly I’m more of a night person, so how about if we change it up a bit for me and instead of 9am till 4pm I’ll take the night shift from 9pm till 4am?

5. What?! You mean I have to sit still for so many hours listening to people speak and yet you expect me not to fall asleep??? I gotta tell ya, I don’t think I ever made it through a single gemara shiur without my eyes closing and even those only lasted for 2 hours tops!

6. I’ve never really told anyone but I’m schizophrenic so 1. Does that mean I have to serve twice? 2. What happens if WE disagree?

7. My doctor just told me I’m ADHD! And if they don’t belive then the plan is to get down every couple of minutes and do sets of pushups ‘n sit-ups, hey that way even if I don’t get dismissed I get to work out while I’m there.

Of course another convince em would be to jump up and down the whole time all the while yelling “Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!”… :)

8. Ehhhh how you say, my Inglesh very not so good, maybe ess OK eeef I speah eh enn Eeebrew?

9. So is it ok if I bring my chavrusah along? I promise I’ll keep it down, but I can’t guarantee the same for him. :p

10. Hey judge did you ever hear this one: “When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty”

11. So can I bring my laptop along, ya see I’ve got this blog and if I don’t check it every once in a while I start suffering withdrawal symptoms!

12. You mean we get paid for doing this? WooHoo! Hey judge can I get a bonus if I come in early, and hey ya think maybe I can arrange some sort of deal with the prosecutor, ya know some extra cash if I rule in his favor?

Anyone got any other brilliant ideas? (after all I don't want to end up like THIS guy =:o

Where did we go wrong?

2007-07-17T16:21:00.000-04:00

The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.

2007-07-16T04:28:00.000-04:00

Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.

Lot's Wife
A Sunday School teacher was telling the class about how Lot's wife looked back at the city while they were fleeing its destruction, even though God had forbidden her to. She then turned into a pillar of salt.
A little boy interrupted her and said, "My mommy looked back one time while she was driving the car and she turned into a street lamp."

Stam: btw, FYI: He's back!!!

2007-07-15T06:33:00.000-04:00

Ever have your ENTIRE life flash right before your eyes?
My bro whom was home this shabbos from day camp had me cracking up when he shared this story with me…

BasicAlly he was driving with some guys after a rain storm, as they were rounding a curve on the highway their car fishtailed into the other lane right in front of a oncoming truck, B”h the driver was able to straighten out and avoid a collision, however the car kept on swerving and ended up crossing the yellow dotted line passed the incoming traffic and onto the grass on the other side of the highway in one of those “life flashing before your eyes” kinda spin.

Anyhoo as the car finally came to a stop (narrowly missing some trees on the side of the road) all the guys are just sitting there with their mouths hanging open in shocked silence, at that point my brother breaks the tense silence and exclaims “ohhhhhhhh, so that’s where I put the remote!

**********************************

Bad news: I lost weight! What am I going to do?! I recently stepped on a scale at a friends house and to my horror realized that since the beginning of the summer I had lost almost 5 pounds!

This is so unfair! I mean why is it that they have so many weight-loss programs out there, but no one ever thought of putting out a weight-gain program!

Oh yeah and I know what you’re all thinking, I've heard it before, yes that one weight-gain program called “marriage” … Thing is I hear it only comes with a lifetimes subscription and once you sign up for it there is no backing out, plus I hear you have to read the fine print very well ‘cuz then you notice that it’s not just a simple one step program :p

**************************

Me thinks: "It’s aint a good thing to (always) try to be somebody else, ‘cuz someday you just might have to be yourself and you wont know how."

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD:

2007-07-12T04:51:00.000-04:00

Here's a bit of "paronomasia" (gosh I really like that word) kinda reminds me of the word "pyromania" only in this case what are the chances of getting burnt... Oysh so Punny :)

There was a man who entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Oysh!

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sign for a networking business in Australia: The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in their craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!

2007-07-10T04:34:00.000-04:00

Got me thinking again

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation??
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Also... WOOHOO! Guess who actually posted again ;) Mazal tov to Bezerkley it's been like forever dude, glad to have you with us again! (lets see how long you last this time :P yes that's a dare :)

Oh and before I forget ;) Rumors are circulating (ok fine not as of yet, but I'm starting 'em now) that a certain friend of mine, best known as Dovid, AKA My chavrusah, AKA Gonzonic is seriously contemplating coming out of retirement... WooHoo!

P.S. Am I the only one having problems with Statcounter?

P.P.S. Sheesh + Oysh = Shoysh!

Reasons to Wear Sunscreen

2007-07-08T23:37:00.001-04:00

1. Some kinds come in a cool spray can thing.

2. The lotion is fun to smear.

3. You can write whatever you want on yourself.

4. You can write whatever you want on someone else.

5. Your friend has no idea what you wrote on his back.

6. Whatever you write will remain white (and not get burned).

7. It protects against cancer.

8. It prevents the whole tomato-face phase.

9. You doctor/Mommy/teacher told you to.

10. You wont be in an insane amount of pain after exposure to the sun for a long period of time.

So why the heck didn't I wear sunscreen today???

Moshe M.S. said...

2007-07-06T04:15:00.000-04:00

"Its nice of you to post your picture, it is a good step towards revealing that you are not what a true lubavitcher is supposed to be."

Bummer.

"(you have no clue what I am talking about because you dont know lubavitch! lubavitchers do not go to beaches and do not drink beer "in the world in".)"

Shucks.

"I await the disclaimer on your site stating that in no way do you represent the true lubavitch and you are just a child who has been held captive between the nations. You do not know what hit."

DISS-claim-ERRRRR: In no way does my blog represent the true lubavitch, I am just a child whom has been held captive between the nations... (I'm not going to laugh, I'm not going to laugh... nfxhfxzfhchhh *chocking sounds from trying my darn hardest to hold in the laughter...fvzdfdf hehe ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oysh, so sorry, I really tried.) I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HIT!

"Your lubavitch is chabad 3.0, NOT chabad lubavitch according to chassidus chabad."

*Side note: it's 7.0

OK then, now that I have complied on my part I hope (?both of?)you will do the same and kindly refrain from commenting (ever) again on my blog, of course you're more then welcome to keep checking up on my blog and if you ever feel the need to get in touch with me again I would be more then glad to take you out to the beach and farbreng over a couple of beers.

Be well,
Chasidishe Shaigitz.

P.S. You might want to consider changing your name/role model. I would recommend that you check out moshes brother, I'm sure you've heard of him, his name is aharon and he is well known for his midah of "Ohev Shalom, V'rodef Shalom...

2007-06-29T04:23:00.000-04:00

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."

"Friendship is one mind in two bodies."

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity."

"A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget..."

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.... friendship is talking to your best friend without words... Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts."

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."

True friends inspire, without even knowing it.

2007-06-27T04:01:00.000-04:00

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the
front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

What? Where?

2007-06-26T00:53:00.001-04:00

Blonde's year in review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottl es won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

Whew! - What a year!!

--------------------

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

--------------------

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny?
Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

--------------------

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"

--------------------

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out the machine. She sets it to the ground, puts in another sixty cents and pushes another button. Suddenly a coke comes out of the machine. She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get a soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

--------------------

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

--------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

--------------------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

--------------------

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
T he Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

2007-06-24T22:12:00.000-04:00

From Harry, who has shared with me these few things he's found out since becoming a daddy :)

For those who have sons & those who are happy they don't..........
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like ...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends,
with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

2007-06-21T16:59:00.001-04:00

Why I was fired

For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person...

...I was fired for ordering the cups.

****************************

And here are some stuff from earlier on.

The value of a drink.

3 Tamuz

2007-06-19T22:09:00.000-04:00

Back then we had no words but the tears (emotions) were flowing, these days however there are no tears, only words.

2007-06-17T01:38:00.000-04:00

An Old Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
*Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
*It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
*Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

2007-06-14T16:14:00.001-04:00

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Stam

2007-06-14T07:26:00.000-04:00

**************

It’s the insanity which keeps me sane… Or in other words, Sometimes it takes a little craziness to be/feel normal.

Duck’s Feet

2007-06-14T02:54:00.001-04:00

Even when he was only five years old, R' Heschel of Cracow was very bright.

One afternoon, little Heschel saw his mother roasting a succulent duck in the kitchen. His mouth was watering. He looked at her with pleading eyes. "That smells so delicious, and I am so very hungry. Can I please taste a little piece?"

But his mother replied, "You will have to wait for supper, just like everyone else."

Heschel kept staring at the duck. When his mother wasn't looking, he stuck his hand into the pot and grabbed a leg. Then he quickly ran out of the kitchen and ate it up.

That evening, the whole family sat down together to eat dinner. When the mother brought out the roast duck, everyone noticed that one leg was missing. "What happened to the leg?" Heschel's father asked. Knowing his son, he already suspected where the leg had gone.

"Maybe this duck had only one leg," Heschel suggested. "It could be, you know."

His father and mother decided not to say anything. The next morning father and son went for a walk in the forest. They came upon a beautiful lake and watched the swans and ducks swimming. Heschel saw a duck standing on the shore, on one leg. "Look, Abba. That duck has only one leg-just like the one we had for supper last night. You see, it is possible for a duck to have only one leg.

The father took Heschel by the arm, and they approached the lake. Suddenly, the father clapped his hands, startling the duck. It put down its other leg and ran away-of course, on both legs.

"You see, every duck has two legs." Heschel's father pointed out.

Without missing a beat, Heschel replied, "Well if you had clapped your hands last night, maybe that duck also would have shown us its other leg."

from: More Jewish Bedtime Stories by Shmuel Blitz

I like...

2007-06-13T03:42:00.000-04:00

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."

*****************************************

Discombobulated

Quick definitions (discombobulated)

# adjective: having self-possession upset; thrown into confusion

What's your favorite word?

2007-06-08T04:58:00.000-04:00

A man and his chavrusa are learning in the local beit midrash.
"I have some wonderful news," says the man. "My daughter is getting married."
"Mazal Tov!" says his friend. "That's wonderful!"
"Thank you. Well, here's the thing. We've been learning together for
over 20 years, and you're one of the most important people in my life.
I'd really like you to be an Eyd for the wedding."
His friend looks suddenly embarrassed. "I'm sorry, old friend, but I'm
afraid I can't accept. You see, I'm not Jewish." "What?! But how could
you not be?"
"Well," says his friend, "I find shul to be very spiritually
fulfilling, and the learning is the best intellectual stimulation
around, to say nothing of this wonderful community. I've devoted my
life to the mitzvot, but I've never actually converted."
The man is aghast. "But didn't we just learn that a goy who observes
Shabbat incurs the death penalty?"
"Oh, no worries," says his friend. "I don't keep Shabbat. You see,
every Saturday morning before going to shul, I put a key in my
pocket."
"So? Our community has an Eruv."
"Feh," says his friend. "I don't hold by that Eruv!"

G'shabbos to y'all.

IMHO

2007-06-07T17:29:00.000-04:00

Lying to or misleading a shadchan is as stupid as lying to an optometrist during an eye exam for lenses.

Sure the glasses might look good on you, but the prescription is all wrong.

2007-06-06T01:18:00.001-04:00

A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said.
"Just get the hell out."

-------------------------------------

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.

------------------------------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

--------------------------------------

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

hicks letter to the newspaper

2007-06-04T04:16:00.001-04:00

" Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see  what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She  quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically,  screaming that I should never touch her personal    property, then accused me  of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the  subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the  truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really  check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley  Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so  I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle  that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket  between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think  I should take it back to the dealer?

Signed

Unsure What to  Do

2007-06-03T05:33:00.000-04:00

FRIEND: (Jokingly on the drive up to Montreal) "So, is there any diffrence in time zone bet the US and Canada?
CS: (Jokingly, or not) "Of course dude, don't you know Canada is a couple of years behind!"

2007-05-25T05:58:00.000-04:00

Ok lets say there is a joke shared by only two people right, then that would make it an inside joke right? But what if that joke got out and now more then those two people know about it, what if a-whole-buncha-a lot of people know about it, would that joke then be referred to as an inside-out joke?

Shavooooooooous went by fast, didn’t drag on at all and before I can say cheesy cheese cake it was over, ‘cept for that one time at Birchas Kohanim when the chazin was so off I (along with the rest of the Kohanim) wanted to strangle the tone deaf guy, Duchaning is cool, I get to scroll over all my friends in my mind and get to wish then all the best (remember if you win the lotto I get 10%!) but I was so distracted with that one chazzan guy I totally forgot to start thinking of the actual blessing until the last verse…\

Funny I can’t get over the fact that its only Thursday night (err make that Friday morning) it so feels like a motzei shabbos)

Shabbat Shalom, and peace onto thy.

CS.

2007-05-21T03:59:00.000-04:00

At times we spend ages searching for and chasing something we might WANT, only to find that what we NEED has been right in front of us all along.

Oh yeah, and here's to wishing you all a "Cheesy" Shavous ;)

Chag Sameach!

CS.

2007-05-14T03:48:00.000-04:00

Jewish Mother's Answering Machine:

If you want chicken soup, press 1;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 2;
If you want varnishkas, dial 3;
If you want knishes press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

A young Jewish Mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star." "How nice," says his mother. "And I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's 'Running Deer' and I want you to call me that from now on." "How nice," says his mother. "You should have an Indian name too, Mom," he says. "I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."

lol :)

2007-05-10T02:19:00.000-04:00

Fits right in with THIS one.

(Honestly, thanks for sharing, consider us even, pic for pic ;)

PARKING.

2007-05-09T05:08:00.000-04:00

Whoever woulda thunk that one of the most agonizing and complicated experiences in life can be trying to find a parking space?!

You circle around and around, going in circles, turning left here and right there, sometimes getting so nauseous even your gas tank begins to throw up. (I’ll pass on the word “agitated” for now) You circle for what seems like forever, looking, searching, and hoping for that perfect parking spot.

At last you glimpse a space in the distance, a break in the long line of cars parked peacefully for the night, this little space is just waiting there, almost as if it’s there just for you, designated for you, calling for you… But is it really it, can this possible the right one?

You pull up alongside “the spot” in your car, and begin to judge, analyze, and measure. Can this be it? Is this the right spot, the right size, is this space really the one for you and able to accommodate you, will you fit in ok?

Then begins the slow process of parking: You move in slowly at first, being ever so cautious of your surroundings, careful not to scratch or dent. The process must be dealt with, with utmost caution, lest you accidentally scrape or scratch and then be forced to make a run for it.

(Ok I know this is already beginning to get drawn out, but hey it’s a long procedure ya know) After making the initial move into your space you now begin to evaluate your next move, again more judging and contemplating is required as you begin the next “parking move” slowly releasing the breaks you begin to move again, maneuvering and shifting, looking over your shoulders at each little budge, making sure all is right, knowing that the slightest wrong move can mean the end of this parking space.

Oh and lets not forget the (annoying?) person or two who walks up besides your car, courteous and helpful, sweet as can be, doing his best to help guide you into your designated parking spot. Stop, go, turn, no straighten out, the (helpful?) advice is constant and loud, making sure that you hear, making sure you park to perfection… Of course sometimes that same person might just sadly shake his head from side to side and solemnly inform you that this particular parking space just doesn’t seem right for you, and it's time to bgin your search anew for that PERFECT PARKING SPOT.

Lucky are those who’ve got driveways.

Ever try to find parking in Brooklyn at 4 in the morning? As the joke goes about parking spots “most of the good ones all already taken, The rest either aren’t straight or are handicapped" :p Yet somehow B"H we all end up finding our designated spot.

Here’s to finding that “perfect” parking spot. L’chaim.

Parking Fine
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' It's nice to know there are such nice people out there.

2007-05-07T03:13:00.000-04:00

SOS = Same Old Shtus

Laziness

2007-05-07T03:04:00.000-04:00

lazy
Lazier Credit
laziest

If this makes sense, then something went wrong.

2007-05-03T04:27:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I just want to scream. screaming looks like such fun, why should only angry and upset people get to do it? I mean like how cool would it be if we had 1 or 2 minutes each day designated for screaming time, whether you are frustrated or not, two minutes each day you get/have to scream at the top of your lungs… Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ever wanna yell and scream just because you have nothing to yell about?

Anyhow, a lot of nothing has been going on…

Lets start with 3 days ago (Monday) I stayed up late with a friend and ended up going to sleep at 5 am (I know, Kinda early for me but hey I was kinda tipsy) anyhow the next day (yesterday) starts 3 hours later with my dad waking me up and telling me he has a job for me substituting in OT subbing for 3rd graders, I was so tired I agreed to do it…

Ya know its kind of funny ‘cuz I always say this line “my grandfather A’h was a teacher, my father is a teacher, and my brother-in-law is a teacher as well and yet I say the only way I would ever work in an educational institute would be maybe, maybe as a janitor” ;)

Anyhow so there I was 9 in the morning after 3 hours sleep babysitting a bunch of 9 y/o 3rd graders, what sucked the most was that I had no warning whatsoever (not like anyone told me about it the night before, and thus no time to prepare anything) and so there I was stuck with a bunch of loony pishers doing my best to entertain them, and holding myself back as much as possible from smacking each one (not all, but some) of them brats right across the face.

Oysh, lets put it his way, during the breaks (thank g-d for recess, ya know now that I got to be the rebbi, the question dawned on me, who actually enjoys/needs the breaks more, the students or the teachers?) I walked into the teachers lounge and started schmoozing with some of the rabbei’im, most of our small talk went something like this: Them “so you’re subbing huh? Me; “yups, any tips?” Them: “Nopes none really just got luck and remember this is payback for all your childhood days when you tormented the sub’s…” 

B”H I survived the day subbing, thank g-d again for EXTRA recess and story telling. Truth be told it wasn’t THAT bad, although I must admit that what realy got me through the day was that in my mind every hour I’d make a mental cash register noise of ” Chaching” and calculate the money per hour in my mind… Talk about motivation.

Hey here's a joke from from my sister Chany AKA Chananya AKA Chana Anyah (dont ask)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up a nd say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

*************************************************

Pricelines latest competition, FedEx.

That's my bro Shmuly AKA Sammy AKA "with Sam B it's a Guarantee" (again don't ask) in the mailbox acting nutty with some other dude. Captions anyone?

************************************************

Two shidduch Q's that came up in a recent conversation.

1. When it comes to shidduchim are parents more picky by their A. Sons B. Daughters.

2. If a name came up for you regarding a shidduch and you didn’t end up going out with that person (for any simple random reason) and then that person gets enagaged, that means that even if you would have gone out with that person it would never have worked out ‘cuz obviously that person was meant for someone else. True or false?

2007-04-29T05:12:00.000-04:00

From Harry.

Most of America 's population think it improper to spank children,
So I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child
for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
A Friend

"src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rlEN78YJePM/RjRigSdUZRI/AAAAAAAAAPE/eVNQC8xF2dg/s320/tantrum.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5058776588294055186" />
Click on above problem child pic for solution technique.

2007-04-26T04:39:00.000-04:00

The international sign of marriage

Partial credit goes to WIRES ;)

Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."

Marriage - Female going from lipstick to broomstick.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

Every man should get married some time; After all, happiness is not the only thing in life!
eeeesh.

Cheer up!" said Alan to his depressed friend, John. "Why don't you drown your sorrows?"
John, a married man, turned a doleful face towards him and said: "No man, that would be murder."

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets... the more interested he is in her.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why?
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why??

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent...?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

JIB Awards

2007-04-23T00:52:00.000-04:00

Hey thanks to whoever nominated me, pretty cool. Now lets see how many votes I can get.

Vote Here

2007-04-20T00:18:00.000-04:00

Going through my computer...

Road trip '06 Me looking forward to summer-time.

****************************************

Nice try by my younger sis chany, she must have snuck into my room once before I was able to log off and left me this note.

***************************************

Its not WHO you know, it’s what you know ABOUT THEM.

"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown

***************************************

Oh ya, I'm (finally?) home! Big thanks to M.S. AKA Shack for letting me crash. (Next 40 is on me dude ;)

2007-04-13T17:53:00.000-04:00

Trust the maps?

Take 60 seconds to do this. I guarantee you will show it to someone else...
it is too funny not to.

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps" (above the search box)
3. click on "get directions" (under the search box)
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. scroll down to step #23

:)

2007-04-05T22:11:00.000-04:00

A Few of My Favorite Things
(Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things")

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

Q:What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?

A: A matzochist!

:) Am I the only one smiling at that joke?

A Gut Moed,
CS.

P.S. Dont forget to count the Omer.

http://www.jvibe.com/homer

Chag Kosher V'sameach!

2007-04-02T05:26:00.000-04:00

MATZAH???

CS Theory

“Mosses saw that no matter how hard he pleaded and begged pharaoh wasn’t going to let the jews go, so seeing no alternative he was forced to bring the final plague… he sent forth his dear mother in law to negotiate with king pharaoh.

5 minutes later the jews were free. It seems pharaoh was so terrified of the dreaded mother-in-law plague that he actually demanded that the Jews leave right away. Unfortunately the jews had absolutely no time to prepare and subsequently they had nothing to eat for their journey into the desert.

Most jewish wives did what jewish women do in general when there is nothing to eat, which is to send their husbands to the local Chinese dinner, but it seemed their luck had run out as the hour was late and all the Chinese restaurants were closed! Sad to say cooking chicken or yummy schnitzel wasn’t an option as the jews had recently discovered that there was something fishy with their local shochet, and cow/steak would have been wonderful but alas they were all stricken with the terrible “Pissed off/Mad cow disease”.

But praise the Lord who is forever merciful the jews finally stumbled upon a source of late night food… hidden somewhere in the deserted Egyptian alleyways the tired and hungry Hebrew came across a greasy yet tasty “shwarma falafel” joint owned by one of their own Israeli brethren! And so it was that as the Jews left Egypt each one was munching happily on a LAFFA filled with LAMB SHAWRMA, which they spoke about forever due to some BITTER spread called SCHUG with had them all running for the bathrooms the next day…”

So there you have it guys, it was LAFFA not MATZAH the jews were eating as they left Egypt! I mean think about it, same shape and same size (both are thin and round,) and ok the name is a bit off, but hey they rhyme! And no it aint the lamb of the Korban pesach we mention each year by the seder, it was the freakin shwarma! And let’s not forget about the Schug/bitter herb…

Now just think about it, instead of matza and marror, we’d be having laffa and shwarma (with some hot peppers and some schug) for pesach!

Now that's what I call a sandwich! (Mmmm guess what I'm having for Korech ;)

Ok before I drive meself meshugah over that one here is another one of my Theories.

Kitnious/beans.

Skip all the halacha excuses and lets just get to the real reason why we stay away from kitnious on pesach.

MATAZAH = Constipation

BEANS = Gas

Anyone need me to explain???

Wishing you all a kosher and freilichen pesach!

Next/This/ year in Jerusalem! (With shwarma!)

CS.

Pesach Blues

2007-04-01T03:22:00.000-04:00

Repost from last year of all my favorite pesach links.
Pesach Cleaning :)

Kosher for passover beer!

Who let the jews out?

How to break Matzah exactly in half! (Japanese, What!)

And some pesach stories (humor) from last year.

If anyone knows of any other interesting pesach links please feel free to share.

Add on due to bloggers request ;)

The Two-Minute Seder: A Passover Service for the Impatient

Opening prayers:

Thanks God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why
we're doing this.

Four Questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for
making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was
morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child - explain Passover.
Simple child - explain Passover slowly.
Silent child - explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child - browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five
bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.
(Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice - you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea -
(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Add on #2

From JibJab. MATZAH! (Not so kosher.)

2007-03-30T05:55:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to his head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, "It was bad enough," they complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord it over them,' was just too much to bear." Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.

As soon as the act was done the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible sin. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as weeks become months his mental depression took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the King and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."

The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again," he said.

The Jew felt so elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"

Note to fellow bloggers: One highly overlooked chometz zone is “internet cookies” so be sure to remember to delete all cookies before pesach, and of course don’t forget to change your internet settings (which you could switch under View/Internet Options/Advanced in IE 4.0) to "Disable all cookie use" or "Prompt before accepting cookies". ;)

Happy pesach cleaning and good shabbos to you all. CS.

Another one bites the dust.

2007-03-26T03:59:00.000-04:00

This one goes out to my dear friend Shayke P. upon his engagement.
May all the blessings come true and may your future be filled with much happiness, mazal and hatzlacha.

“Woman inspires us men to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.”

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.”

Marital Advice - Take It!
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
“My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”
The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”
“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.
The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”

Your Husband, Yaakov's Needs Rest!
Sarah accompanied her husband Yaakov to the doctor's office. After Yaakov's checkup, the doctor called Sarah into his office alone.

He said, "Yaakov is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly be sure to love your husband as much as possible and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Yaakov will regain his health completely.

On the way home, Yaakov asked Sarah. "What did the doctor say?"

Sarah replied, "You're going to die".

“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.”

10 Things Jewish Men Know About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

;)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

2007-03-22T01:27:00.000-04:00

Oh whatever, lets just say that old'ish feeling is kicking in again, might have something to do with all my friends getting engaged... (Which brings to mind one of my favorite jokes: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.)

A big lol to my cousin who handled it all so well at his sisters L'chaim, whenever someone came over to him to wish him a l'chaim he would raise his cup and say "ok mister let me just go ahead and paraphrase your l'chaim/blessing for you, "Imy'h by me" and thank you very much ;)

Anyhow this site is almost guaranteed to make ALMOST anyone feel young again (in a humorous way of course ;) here are some of my favorites. Enjoy.

"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something... then wonder what I'm here after."

"Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..."

"My mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely."

"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"

Too old to care... Too senile to remember.

There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

My teeth are my own. I have the receipt.

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like."

"I'm smiling all the time. Because I can't hear a word you are saying."

Forget health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get!

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Old age comes at a bad time.

Retired. Now I can do what I want. As long as it's near a bathroom.

I loved this story...
The Tooth Fairy: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

And of course

Seniors singles ads

Long-Term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, Yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Mint Condition: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together

2007-03-15T04:51:00.000-04:00

The feeling: it starts in the pit of your stomach, that little feeling which you chose to ignore and hope it will fade away over time, and little by little it seems to disappear. Then after a while you feel it again only now it has grown in intensity, you feel empty, you feel the void, but you push it away again, pushing it out of your mind and thus making yourself numb to the feeling, you tell yourself it doesn’t matter and force yourself not to care about it.

Then it hits you…

This time the feeling will not go away, no matter how much effort you put into, no matter how much you try to ignore it, the hollow feeling is there to stay, beating away in your stomach like a drum, the void, the emptiness, driving you to the verge of insanity.

The search: Like a madman you begin your search, running through the night like an insane lunatic, eyes frantic, hands shaking, and stomach drumming away, like a man possessed, nothing is out of reach to you now. Searching high and low, searching for something, anything, to dispel the feeling, to take away that nagging pain which just won’t seem to go away, in desperation you begin to open doors which you haven’t opened in ages, you search through every nook and cranny, every hole and every space…

But alas, the search produces no results, and so with a shudder and a grumble you give in to your fate and prepare yourself for a sleepless night…

For anyone who hasn't figured it out yet,

It's the 4 in the morning munchies and there isn’t a darn thing to eat!

2007-03-11T11:00:00.000-04:00

Some good old jewish humor, some are good, some are old, either way enjoy :)

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother-in-law?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked or cleaned.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' "Force yourself," she replied.

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow"

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never
forget what she forgave."

CHUTZPA according to the Funk & Wagnall's Standard Desk Dictionary – US slang meaning: brazen, effrontery, nerve, impudence, having gall, cheeky. The word is Hebrew in origin.

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian.

Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".

Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I have never managed anybody but myself bu what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me"? So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent management diplomas to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself - "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! - have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room.

He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language!

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: " Baruch ata Adonaï ".

The other candidate answers: "Elohénou melech haolam".

2007-03-08T03:21:00.000-05:00

There is still no cure for the common birthday.

Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday'"
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

2007-03-02T05:58:00.000-05:00

Ach its almost purim, how can I not post :)

The WORLD Famous STORY OF PURIM

The story of Purim is an international tale.

King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. "You Congo now!" he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king's messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.

"I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!" Haman scolded Mordechai. "USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep this up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey! "

Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes-a custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary. Esther approached the king and asked, 'Kenya Belize come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?" At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.

The king asked, "Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you."
Esther replied, "Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people."

Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene. "Oman!" Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai - Egypt me! "

Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands. And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well. "You lost your enemies and Uganda friend," the king smiled.

And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. God decided to China light on His chosen people.

So now, let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just be happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!!!

Oh and here'sanother one I came acroos that I liked.

Top Ten Reasons for Celebrating Purim

1. Making noise in shul is a MITZVAH!!
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites
3. Nobody knows if you're having a bad hair day. You can tell them
It’s your costume
4. Purim is easier to spell than Chanukah, I mean Hanukah, I mean,
KHanukah, I mean Chanuka, I mean the Festival of Lights.
5. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and
dishes.
6. You don't have to build a hut and live and eat outside (but you could volunteer to build a new Purim booth for next year's Carnival)
7. You get to drink wine and drink wine and drink wine and you don't
even have to stand for Kiddush (I guess you can't!)
8. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav
9. You can't eat hamantaschen on Yom Kippur
10. Mordecai - 1 ; Haman - 0 !!!!

Oh yes and a little something I made up me-self.

10 Signs you’ve been drinking a bit too much on purim…

1. The women dressed up in that hideous “vashti” costume turns out to be your mother-in-law, and it aint no costume.

2. You’ve become well acquainted with the toilet bowl.

3. “Nopes officerrr, I am intRoxicated, and I promise you dish akshident was 100% not my fault! I’m telling you, dat tree came speeding at me from outa nowhere!

4. You begin to find it very difficult to pronounce words such as “Hamantschen” and “Achashveros”

5. You find yourself sobbing uncontrollably and you’re singing the song of shoshanas yakov to yom kippur tunes.

6. You give mishloach mannos to the poor, tzedakah to your friends, and you’re reading the hagadah!

7. You believe your birthday suit makes a fine purim costume.

8. You’ve miraculously transformed into an amazing dancer, your voice is incredible, and you assume that everyone is laughing WITH you.

9. Feeling left out being that you’re the only without a costume you decide to A. shave your head B. bleach your hair C. pierce your nose.

And last but not least and yes this one comes from a true story (not my story thank G-d) 10. Your friend finds you in a bewildered non-Jewish neighbors house who you’ve just woken up (and is practically naked) cuz you happen to be singing purim songs on the top of your lungs in his bathroom… and you’re pissing in the bathtub!

A joyous purimm to you all, and remember to drink until ya don’t know the diffrence between a chasidsh guy and a shagitz! ;)

CS.

2007-02-27T04:34:00.000-05:00

????????????????????? CS ????????????????????????????

2007-02-14T04:17:00.000-05:00

Mazal Tov’s to Benny H. and to Nutty S. upon their engagements, and to G! Looking forward to your wedding dude ;) (For anyone who might still be looking for a way to get there, there are still seats available on the bus… call me or G for info)

This post is dedicated to you guys.

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You lazy putz! You waltz in here, flop your fat tush down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oy gevald, it's started."

Wife: “If only once you spent Sunday with me instead of playing golf, I swear I would drop down dead!”
Husband: “There you go trying to bribe me again”

Young man: “I’ve come to ask if I can have your daughter’s hand in marriage.”
Father: “Have you seen her mother?”
Young Man: “Yes, but I’d still prefer you daughter.”

First man: “I’m married to a very clever woman. She can talk for hours on any subject”
Second man: “Mine talks all day and night and doesn’t need a subject?”

And to keep it fair...

Shiksa: Where can I find a man that's sweet and sensitive, a loving husband and a caring father?
Shagitz: Did you try reading through the obituaries?

CShiksa: hey where's a good place to hang out and meet guys that arent too sleeezy?
CS: ummmm, the mikvah? :p

A girl tells her father that her boyfriend has asked to marry her.
“Has he got any money?” The father asks.
“You men are all the same,” said the girl. “He asked the same question about you.”

Q: What do you call a man who has lost all his intelligence?”
A: Divorced/Widowed

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

During a quarrel with his parents a teenager cries; “I want excitement, adventure, money and beautiful women. I’ll never find them here so I’m leaving home. Don’t try and stop me” with that he heads for the door. His father gets up and follows him. “Didn’t you hear what I said dad?” cries the boy “I don’t want you to try and stop me” “Who’s trying to stop you?” replies the father. “I want to come with you”

Mazal Tov again to you guys, I'm so happy for all of you. May your marriages be filled with success, peace and happiness, and may we all share many more joyous occasions together.

CS.

P.S. Best wishes to Dovid W. Hope all is well.

2007-02-14T03:29:00.001-05:00

This could save your life...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping ram which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant ram and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much!!!

Angry wife: “Why did you come home half drunk last night”
Husband: “Because I ran out of money”

2007-02-14T02:56:00.000-05:00

Sure I'm a morning person, 1am 2am even 5am and I'll be up no problem… 6am is getting kind of late.

C: So will I see you at 7:30am?
S: What!? Why in the world would I be up so late?

Insomnia... what a nightmare ;)

You know you’ve got a sleep disorder when you stay up all night thinking of what a shame it is you go to sleep so late and you begin thinking of ways to go to sleep earlier.