The convert

Moishe Kneidel converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Kneidel," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

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Aight so basically I was called up for jury duty next Friday and so I’m putting together a list of possible excuses for getting dismissed from it. Here’s what I got so far:

Reasons/statements/questions for getting out meself out of jury duty…

1. Listen judge I’ve got to be honest, I come from a nice Jewish family, so sure I can come over and listen to the prosecutor and defendant… but bottom line I’m going to have to side with whatever my mother says!

2. Well ya see honorable sir, I’m an observant Jew so the thing is do you think you can maybe arrange a minyan for mincha?

3. Ehh, would it be ok if I brought along a 6 pack? Or 2: Tell me, ya think we’ll be done on time for happy hour? Of course best would be to stumble in there stinking of alcohol and exclaiming “Oh My Garsh! You mean dish ishint the Alcoholic’sh Anonymoush gazzzering?! Me Lord I musht have gotten me calendar funcused, but not to worry your shweet royal highneshhhh, I shwear I’m not as drunk assss I sink you are!”

4. Honestly I’m more of a night person, so how about if we change it up a bit for me and instead of 9am till 4pm I’ll take the night shift from 9pm till 4am?

5. What?! You mean I have to sit still for so many hours listening to people speak and yet you expect me not to fall asleep??? I gotta tell ya, I don’t think I ever made it through a single gemara shiur without my eyes closing and even those only lasted for 2 hours tops!

6. I’ve never really told anyone but I’m schizophrenic so 1. Does that mean I have to serve twice? 2. What happens if WE disagree?

7. My doctor just told me I’m ADHD! And if they don’t belive then the plan is to get down every couple of minutes and do sets of pushups ‘n sit-ups, hey that way even if I don’t get dismissed I get to work out while I’m there.

Of course another convince em would be to jump up and down the whole time all the while yelling “Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!”… :)

8. Ehhhh how you say, my Inglesh very not so good, maybe ess OK eeef I speah eh enn Eeebrew?

9. So is it ok if I bring my chavrusah along? I promise I’ll keep it down, but I can’t guarantee the same for him. :p

10. Hey judge did you ever hear this one: “When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty”

11. So can I bring my laptop along, ya see I’ve got this blog and if I don’t check it every once in a while I start suffering withdrawal symptoms!

12. You mean we get paid for doing this? WooHoo! Hey judge can I get a bonus if I come in early, and hey ya think maybe I can arrange some sort of deal with the prosecutor, ya know some extra cash if I rule in his favor?

Anyone got any other brilliant ideas? (after all I don't want to end up like THIS guy =:o