Flying High.

My most memorable time on a airplane was a flight back from Italy, I was sitting near this gentile woman on the plane and we got into a little discussion to kill some time before takeoff, anyhow she noticed I was Jewish (obviously) and we got into a whole discussion about religion and G-d... After talking with her for a while she admitted that she wasn't really much of a religious person and didn't quite believe in G-d for various reasons which we spoke about for a bit, after a while the pilot announced over the intercom that we were about to start taking off, so I took out my Tefilas Haderech (prayer for a journey) and got ready to say the prayer, the woman near me noticed the card that I took out and inquired what it was, so I explained to her that it's a certain prayer that we say before we go on any long trip, fly or drive, she found it interesting and asked me if I can translate the prayer into English for her which I did (to the best of my capabilities ;)

We were taxing down the runway and started picking up speed to take off, and we were going rather fast when all of a sudden the pilot hit the brakes and the plane came to a SCREECHING stop! You could hear the nervous whispers from everyone, some people were white in the face and no one was feeling that great, then the pilot gets back on the intercom again and announces that due to some warning light that went on he had to abort takeoff, but there is nothing to worry about and we were heading back to the front off the runway to begin takeoff again, at that point the lady sitting near practically grabs my arm and begs me: SAY THE PRAYER AGAIN! PLEASE, SAY IT AGAIN!

****************************************











Airline humor.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a little more entertaining. Here are some recently-overheard quips:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew:

Ladies and gentlemen we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

On landing she said: Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

On a Delta Business Express: We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

From Southwest, which has the reputation of being the funniest airline: Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!

My favorite one is:

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"