Speaking of speaking.

"The number one fear amongst people is public speaking, second to that is death. So if you think about it, must people would rather be the one in the coffin, then be the one giving the eulogy"

I have it the worst of all, you see I happen to be claustrophobic too!

Most people (when they get nervous while) public speaking, get tongue tied and don't know what to say. I on the other hand just cant shut up!

*****************************************

A young rabbi straight out of kollel once came to town to try out for the new rabbi position, as the old rabbi was retiring.

The first shabbos came along and as part of his job the young rabbi was too give his first shabbos sermon/drasha in place of the old retiring rabbi.

The young rabbi had prepared the whole week for this speech and had all his notes tucked away in his jacket pocket, or so he though, halfway through davening the young rabbi reached into his pocket to go over his sermon before delivering it after the reading of the torah, only to realize that the papers with his notes were gone!

The young rabbi got all frantic and turned to the old rabbi sitting near him to ask for help as he had no idea what to do, there was no way he can deliver his great sermon without his notes!

The old rabbi turned to him and calmed him down by telling him not to worry and everything will be fine, he still had plenty of time until the sermon and he was sure he will find the notes by then or work something out, the young rabbi sat back in his seat and "shvitzt" through the rest of davening all worried and nervous.

Prayers went on followed by the reading of the torah and the time for the sermon arrived, the young rabbi really panicked now and turned to the old rabbi with wild eyes.

Don't worry said the old rabbi, listen closely now as to what you should do, when you go up to the pulpit you will find inside of it a glass along with a bottle of water for you to drink during your speech, the secret is however that it isn't water in the bottle, its vodka! So when you get up there take out the glass, pour yourself a little "WATER" and take a sip every once in a while and I'm sure it will calm you down, and the words will just come to you.

The young rabbi walked up to the pulpit with shaking legs and stood up to face the crowd with sweat dripping down his face, before he began his speech he reached for the water and the glass as the rabbi had told him to do, he poured himself a FULL cup made a blessing and gulped it all down before refilling the glass, and then went on to deliver the sermon.

What a sermon it was! The words were flowing from his mouth, and he had the crowd transfixed, not a sound was heard as he spoke about the torah, and good versus evil, at which he proceeded to bring down a example from the story of David and Goliath, how the simple and holy David was able to defeat the powerful and evil Goliath!

Finishing his sermon the crowd broke out into thunderous applause as the rabbi walked back to his seat, passing the old rabbi the young rabbi reached out to shake his hand and asked him smugly, Eh' rabbi what do you think, was that a knockout or what?

The old rabbi replied: All in all, it was truly good, but there are just 3 things which I want to point out to you.
1. I told you to pour a LITTLE BIT of vodka, you took 3 CUPS!
2. I told you to SIP the vodka, you gulped it down like water.
3. David SLEW Goliath, he didn't BEAT THE f***** &%@#@ S**T OUT OF HIM!

******************************************

Whoever said "Emor m'at, Vasei harbeh" (talk a little and DO a lot) obviously didn't know how to talk his way out of doing things.

"If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer"

"There is nothing more annoying then when the guy next to you just goes on talking, and your in middle of interrupting!"