Some people not only expect opportunity to knock, they expect it to beat down the door.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest

Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates