Argh! It’s freaking COLD outside! Yup folk’s it seems winter is (finally?) here. And you know what, screw all the global warming critics, ‘cuz even if the darn ice is melting and the world is going to flood in the year two thousand whatever, well that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make! For Gawd’s sake I’d much rather die surfing then die of Hypothermia!

The only cool thing about the cold is that we all get to dress like Eskimos and bank robbers and nobody cares what you look like. Still searching my house for last years Ski cap, meanwhile I’m walking around with those dorky earmuffs, or as someone just explained to me the “cool” term for them "180’s", listen buddy call ‘em what you want, they still remind me of 80 year old men with big “furry” ears.

Thank you lord for making me a man as I just the though of wearing a skirt in this weather (not like I ever actually thought about it!) makes my “legs” go cold, and I know I promise myself each year that I’m going to go shopping for thermal underwear AKA “Gatkess” but in the meantime my PJ’s are finally being put to use ;)


Here’s a little list of things I’ve noticed as sure signs that it is cold outside.

You know its cold outside when…

Even the snowmen are wearing winter coats

Their serving shots of Anti-Freeze at the bar (anyone know if you can drink that stuff? I think I might try it)

You are wearing more layers then a layer cake (Seven layer anyone?)

You clean the dishes just so that you can warm up your hands (even my mom has a baffled look on her face)

After coming indoors you put your hands over a fire, and they begin to melt away (I’ll always remember as kids we would take a break after one snowball fight to come indoors and jam all our (usually soaking wet and freezing) gloves on and into the steam to warm up for the next fight)

Your running nose freezes before it begins to drip (!)

Instead of using ice cubes you stir your drink with your fingers

Someone flicks your ear, and it snaps off (probably the most painful thing you can do to somebody after a walk in the cold, aside for maybe stumping on his toe)

The back porch replaces your freezer

You want to go visit your friends, but the walk TO YOUR CAR is too far (yes I have heard this excuse used before)

At your friends wedding the only ones outside for the chupah is the choson and kallah, plus some of the immediate family and any other unfortunate people who are required to be there (while everyone else watches from inside) (true story that I heard, if I remember correctly this happened in Montreal)

You “pass gas” just to feel warm (Just an idea)

(One for the guys) taking a leak outside is NOT an option ;)

Women stop shaving!? (Scary (Yet true,) and no, don’t ask me how I came up with this one)

You have to wait to defrost before taking a shower (pins and needles anyone?)

It’s too cold to snow and instead whole clouds of ice are falling from the sky (something which I’ve always wondered about)

You know its cold when you see a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets! (For my dear lawyer pal Harry and to my other dear buddy who is working on his LSAT’s, good luck dude)

Best winter advice ever: No matter what they may tell you, DO NOT eat the yellow snow!

I know this one is kinda old, but for those who haven’t heard it yet, enjoy.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, is the coming winter going to be cold?'

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “It's going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” The Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!”

P.S. In case anyone is alarmed or just wondering at the disappearance of my chavrusah’s blog www.gonzonic.com please be aware that Dovid is unfortunately suffering from a rare case of "BlogOhPause", the severity of this case has yet to be determined.