Rosh Hashanah Recap:

Sorry all, long post, to tired to edit or shorten, and yet so much more to write.

Ok so to start of this recap I'll rewind to two days before Rosh Hashanah (Wednesday night) where I happened to bump into my uncle who is a rabbi in a chabad house 2 hours drive from the city.

Uncle: “Hey listen CS, Its two days to Rosh Hashanah and I still don’t have a chazzan for my shul, can you be a chazzan? Or perhaps know of someone capable of being one?

“Umm I don’t know, I did a bit of chazzanos once in a small shul on Yom Kippur but it was barely a minyan, and I didn’t even have to know the nosach, so I don’t know about being your official cantor, but I’ll look around and see if I can find someone… And maybe if you really cant find anybody and REALLY need someone I’ll THINK about doing it…”

Toward the end of the wedding I bumped into my uncle again, this time he was even more desperate, especially after I told him I had asked around at the wedding but to no avail “CS Listen, I really need someone quick, please tell me you will do it!

I ended up telling him that I’ll really think about it and I gave him my cell number as he was leaving the wedding… two hours later I get a phone call from my uncle “Ok here’s the deal… you’re the chazzan! I spoke to a few people and they told me you have a nice voice, and so please, please tell me you will do it, I don’t care that you don’t know the tunes, buy yourself one of those Nosach CD’s and I’m sure you’ll do great” And so on that Wednesday night I became "Chasidishe Shaigitz the Cantor".

Erev Rosh Hashanah:

As mentioned the chabad house was a two hour drive, and so being that my uncles 19 Y/O son who lives in the city was going home for RH, we made up that I would catch a ride with him.

So Thursday night I called him and he told me that he should be done working by 2pm which leaves us 4 ½ hours to drive to my uncle’s place and plenty of time to spare, being that candle lighting time was at 6:35pm.

2pm Friday: I called my cousin as planned and he told me there was no way he was going to be done working until at least 3 and so I should call back in an hour. (Ok no problem we still have plenty of time)

3pm: I call my cousin again and he is still at work in Manhattan! But he assures me that he will be leaving within the next few minutes and so he should be picking me up HOPEFULLY within the hour. (So 3 ½ hours till Rosh Hashanah begins, and we still haven’t begun our two hour drive, me getting slightly nervous)

3:30: My cousin calls me and tells me he just got back from work and is beginning to pack, I remind him that it would be nice if we could leave sometime soon as I have no interest in spending Rosh Hashanah on the highway. (3 hours until RH begins)

4pm: My cousin calls me back to tell me that he is waiting outside my house, and so I quickly kiss my mom and whichever siblings are blocking my way to the doorway, wish them all a happy and healthy year and rush out to the car, dump all my stuff in the back… and then my cousin tells me we have to pick up one other guy, and then he also has to make one “quick” stop to pick up something from another friend before we leave. (Ok keep calm now CS, the drive is only two hours, which means we’ve got a whole half hour to spare)

4:30: After picking up the other guy my cousin drives to his apartment expecting to meet his friend to pick up whatever it was he needed, only his friend was nowhere around, after a few calls it turns out his friend was a 5 minute drive from the apartment and really busy with something, so we drove down to meet his friend to make the pickup.

4:40: we are finally on our way, a two hours drive with a bit under two hours until RH begins, so pessimistic me started freaking out a bit, until my cousin assured me that he’s done this drive plenty of times before and it never takes him more 1 ½ hours…

5:30: Stuck in traffic!!! My cousin swears that he has never seen traffic on that particular highway before (yeh right) and starts driving like a mad New Yorker after a few drinks, now I’m officially freaking out, all the while his father (my uncle the rabbi) is calling us nervously to find out where the heck are we!? We stopped answering our cell phones after the second time he called. Still over an hour drive away and only one hour until Shkiah!)

6:00: The traffic clears up a bit and we start speeding down the highway as if we were in a NASCAR race, (don’t know if I should mention the fact that I really had to piss and we so we had to make a piss stop on the shoulder of the highway;) by now we are all freaking out with only half an hour left, candle lighting was at around 6:35 (plus 18 minutes thank G-d )which left us with just over 40 minutes , and yet we were still on the highway speeding like a getaway car.

6:35 candle lighting time: we finally make it in to town, now we have to drive to the hotel were we will be staying at and where the services will be held, 18 minutes to go, and I’m sitting in the back of the car unbuttoning my shirt and untying my shoes so that I can rush into the shower as soon as we get there.

5 Minutes later: we pull up in front of the hotel were we all tumble out of the car and my uncle is waiting and tells me the minyan is waiting for us… Ha! I nearly run him over as I rush into my hotel room (dont even ask about the check-in) and take the quickest shower of my life, 5 minutes later I’m downstairs in my suit and all, hair dripping wet and ready to start the services.

Friday night: maariv services went great! I knew all the tunes, and my voice didn’t crack even once (ok except maybe at the last kaddish, but hey who’s listening by then) my uncle complimented me on my chazzanos, and I thanked him warned him to hold the compliment until ALL the prayer were done. The meal was great that night, my uncle said a nice dvar torah, and I konked out as soon as my head hit the pillow that night…

OK, this post is getting to long, so let me just finish of with two things.

I had made up with my uncle that I was only going to be chazzan for either shacharis or musaf, I would do one of them and either he or his son would do the other, however I ended up doing shachris and Musaf together BOTH days! (Not by choice of course, as my throat was beginning to bother me after completing shachris each day) I guess that means that I didn’t do that bad considering the fact that I did not know the nosach that well, still whatever I knew I did well, and managed to keep the crowd entertained with songs, and reading as fast as I can when we got to the simple reading parts, my uncle thanked me when I was done (and again by the meal) andthen again before I left and told me I better make sure to come back for Yom Kippur. Woohooo.

Dvar Torah: The first day after prayers we had around 40 to 50 people sitting around for the meal and after my uncle finished giving his little dvar torah he asked of everyone to introduce themselves and share a little word with everyone… and so one by one we went around the tables most people simply stated their name and wished everyone a good year while other went on to speak about Rosh Hashanah etc.

I happened to be one of the last (2nd to be exact) and right before my went one of my uncles daughters who started of great but ended up boring everyone cuz she schlepped on to long (until my uncle was finally able to cut her of politely with a little cough signal) he then turned to be and asked me to introduce myself and say something but I figured everyone was dead bored of speeches, so I stood up and tried something different, here’s my speech:
“Hi my name is Bob, and I’m a recovering alcoholic… The rabbi here invited me over for the HIGH Holiday services, and so I figured that meant we would all be sitting around drinking and getting high together… Bummer!”

Thank G-d the crowd caught on and they all broke out laughing, so I went on

“Alright so I’m not bob. My name is Chasidishe Shaigitz and I’m here from Brooklyn to help out my uncle, (Blah, Blah, Blah,) its so nice to get to meet all of you and to see everyone sitting together on this special day, thank you all for having me (blah, blah, blah, make crowd feel good) Now I don’t know if you guys want to be tormented anymore with long speeches, so if you all will allow me I’d like to share a short yet serious story with you about Rosh Hashanah.

It was Rosh hashana morning and all the congregants had gathered in synagogue to participate in this holy day, when all of a sudden as they were beginning the services a murderous anti-Semite broke his way into the synagogue armed with a gun and threatened to kill everyone, “but” he told them being that he was overtaken by the holiness that he felt resting among them, he decided he will grant them each one wish before he would kill them!

He first approached the rabbi and asked him what his one wish was to which the rabbi replied “Please sir, I have worked so hard for weeks preparing a special sermon to give over on this holiday, why its almost 3 hours long, that’s how hard I worked on it, and so I beg of you, please, let me deliver this last sermon to my congregation before you kill me” “Fine” said the murderer after thinking it over for a minutes, go sit in the back and I’ll allow you your wish soon.

Next on line is the cantor “So what is your last request?” “well” says the cantor “ I to have worked hard these past weeks preparing today’s prayers, why I have worked up many long melodious tunes for today, and so my wish is that you allow me to lead today’s prayers with all my masterful chazzanos pieces” “fine” says the murderer again, “go sit in the back next to the rabbi and wait your turn”

Now the Anti-Semite turns to one of the congregants and asks him what his last wish might be, “Oh please”, he begs “Just kill me now!”

Not to worry though, I did give my real dvar torah on the second day, you see I’m not such a shaigitz after all

Shavua Tov and Gmar Chasima Tova to you all! Oh and of course, have a easy and fast, fast day!