Happy Chanukah

Thanks Lakevent for the pic.

Hoy Hoy Hoy

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt
While dreaming of latkes and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantelpiece away was tickin'
And Bubbe was serving a shtickale chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubbe was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy devouring the potato latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyishe hoise,
But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much gesshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
"Avade, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, some chrain mit a schtickale fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
He gave a gesshray as he drove out of sight:
"Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."


As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."
"To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."

The High-Tech Dreidel

In a world of 3-D video games and surfing the Internet, kids may look skeptically at dreidels - no color graphics, no electronic sounds and no batteries needed. How could a toy like that possibly be fun?

Even thought the dreidel has been played with by children for thousands of years, kids today may find this simple little top a bit "low-tech" for their liking. For those modern day kids who think playing the dreidel game is soooo bo-ring, here's a new spin on the way we look at this favorite Chanukah toy.

THE OFFICIAL DREIDEL OPERATORS MANUAL

You are now the proud owner of a high-quality, state of the art "Dreidel" which can make you a winner! A multi-faceted, interactive educational and entertainment micro-system, the versatile Dreidel utilizes maximum kinetic transfer technology, putting years of wondrous experience at your fingertips.

Rapidly rotating on its axis, the Dreidel is driven by centrifugal forces that defy gravitational pull. The Dreidel operates efficiently on renewable energy sources at high, medium and low speeds. Velocity and RPM levels are adjusted by the flick of a finger. Perfectly balanced and precision engineered, the Dreidel is virtually maintenance free. It has no moving parts, and no batteries or upgrades are required.

TO USE: Hold joystick-like handle in upright position, using thumb and forefinger to accelerate. Best when operated on smooth surfaces with low coefficient of friction. Device may appear stationary, but sound indicates Dreidel is in use.

After completing its spinning mode, the Dreidel reaches its turning point and begins to gyrate, displaying various conic sections as it decelerates. Dreidel will then shut down automatically. Quick turnaround time allows Dreidel to be used repeatedly. Follow instruction code indicated above and restart.

(from "Chabad News & Views," published by the Chabad Center of Passaic County, NJ)

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Chanumas?

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah AKA Chanumas, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Chanumas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

Merry Chanukah to you all,
CS.