Monday, March 26, 2007

Another one bites the dust.

This one goes out to my dear friend Shayke P. upon his engagement.
May all the blessings come true and may your future be filled with much happiness, mazal and hatzlacha.



“Woman inspires us men to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.”

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.”




Marital Advice - Take It!
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
“My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”
The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”
“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.
The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”


“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”



Your Husband, Yaakov's Needs Rest!
Sarah accompanied her husband Yaakov to the doctor's office. After Yaakov's checkup, the doctor called Sarah into his office alone.

He said, "Yaakov is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly be sure to love your husband as much as possible and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Yaakov will regain his health completely.

On the way home, Yaakov asked Sarah. "What did the doctor say?"

Sarah replied, "You're going to die".

“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.”




10 Things Jewish Men Know About Women

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;)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

31 Comments:

At 12:39 PM, Blogger A Heimishe said...

Great post, I had a good laugh.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.” can I call that Rabbi too? I have a question for him about my wife.

"What did the doctor say?"
Sarah replied, "You're going to die".
You see, woman can't even do anything right lol.

10 Things Jewish Men Know About Women? lol

Funny but true...

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wishing you, cs, that you continue to laugh your way through marriage,(not at her c'v,with her.)

 
At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

cs. (all jokes or pressure aside) i second what "amom" said though i add we should all be so lucky

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger Chasidishe Shaigitz said...

Thanks AMOM :)

And WIRES, as you said, we should all be so lucky ;)

 
At 8:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

cs. why do i have this feeling that u meant it diff. then i did ;p

 
At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, we should all be so lucky...
but wondering, does it have to do with luck? maybe, maybe not.

 
At 1:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just thought of a great idea for your insomnia, till pesach -
surprise your mom and clean/cook stuff for her through the nights.

 
At 3:01 AM, Blogger Chasidishe Shaigitz said...

WIRES: You said all jokes or pressure aside... I meant it axactly as you said.

AMOM: Hmmmm, good question. (when you meet your bashert is it luck? Is it luck when you meet your bashert right away or is it just meant to be that way?)

From what I know its all luck and I'm stating that ‘cuz every L'chaim I go to the choson is always saying how he is the luckiest guy blah blah blah :)

GRANDMA: lol alright how much is my mom paying you for that comment? ;)

Considering the notion but I'm worried it would give my mom to much of a shock... and so if I were to help clean I would have to start with slight cleaning and then eventually help out with the "big stuff” such as taking out the trash and cleaning the kitchen table ;)

 
At 4:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

funny funny..
now go do the right thing.

 
At 4:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

True, finding your bashert right away may be luck, but me thinks that the "marriage" part is not luck. It is what the couple makes of it.Granted you both need a sense of humor to laugh your way through things,but will you take advantage of that sense and actually let it guide you? or not? the choice is yours.
Comprendez?

 
At 4:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont respond now, as i believe you are cleaning the kitchen now, and wouldnt want you to stop..;)

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger Chasidishe Shaigitz said...

ANON: Yes mommy :(

Sheesh it seems my blog is being taken over by mom's and grandmas!

AMOM: I agree, and Yo comprende 100%!

BTW How did you know I was cleaning the kitchen? Really I'm "cleaning" the shelves as best as I can but I’m running out of edible stuff ;) I’m getting kinda full either way, so I guess the rest of the chametz will have to wait ‘till manyana.

 
At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AMOM. lucky s/t can mean different thing perhaps i should have said fortunate

 
At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wires-
correct, ashrei...sounds better, but hashgocho protis you said lucky, so i was able to impose my "chochmo". ;)

 
At 3:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why dont jewish men know anything about women?
What is the humour in that?

 
At 5:34 AM, Blogger C said...

Hehe..funny, though I do detect a few repetitions...

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger Chasidishe Shaigitz said...

AWOMAN: A. “To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."

B. And if you most know, I'll let you in on a little secret, in truth many a time we actually do know plenty, we only PRETEND we have no clue, that way at times we can get off the hook easier... for example we would much rather hear a simple "oh you men never understand" then get involved in a hour long discussion over broken fingernails :p *CS ducks for cover.

CHAYA: Shucks! I was hoping no one would notice. Oysh and here I was going to repost all my stuff from last pesach... :(

 
At 8:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

T'is okay,no need to duck, women know that secret.. and for the sake of sholom bayis, PRETEND we dont know. ;)

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger C said...

awoman-LOL

CS-well, if I'm the only on who noticed, I didn't read your blog last Pesach, so you're safe ;)

 
At 2:45 AM, Blogger Renegade said...

ok so 10 things men know about woman? that's easy to find.
but ten things we understand? forget about it.

for example we know that a broken fingernail is worthy of an hour discussion. however, for the life of us we cannot understand it.

 
At 4:42 AM, Blogger Chasidishe Shaigitz said...

AWOMAN: LOL :) Good comeback, I'm impressed.

Just for you... A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

:)

But then again another thing us men "know" about women.

The secret to a quiet and happy marriage is based on two words
"YES DEAR"

Ya see I'm in training ;)

CHAYA: Phew!

RENEGADE: lol dude ;) You're hired.

Mazal tov again for your bro, and thanks for the pizza ;) took good care of my 4am munchies with practically no chametz in the house.

 
At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so cs. how much of that box that u n'renegade brought home is left ;)

renegade. mazal tov on ur bro and welcome back to the ??land o'the living??

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger the sabra said...

love the hawaii joke, though the way i heard it is way better, of course. of course.


yknow this blog can be quite enlightening at times as to the nature (and pretenses ahem) of men n women..then again, it also tends to be somewhat err endarkening.

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.
" The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich." .

 
At 3:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're impressed that a woman has some wit??
You make it sound like we are all blonde or something..

So basically what G-d was saying was, if you take your woman to Hawaii all will be understood???

 
At 3:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It wasnt supposed to be a question, sorry, its a statement.

 
At 4:54 AM, Blogger Chasidishe Shaigitz said...

AWOMAN: No I honestly just liked the way you answered. Actually got me to chuckling away.

I however I had known that you would get all insulted with a compliment and then accuse me of being a blond hating chauvinist…




A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, “What did you do for your 25th?”

He said, “I took my wife to Hawaii.”

The friend then asked, “What are you thinking about for your 50th?”
He said, “Well I was thinking of bringing her back.”

 
At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol for part one.
not funny part two.

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger the sabra said...

actually i thought both were funny (but u know how i feel bout....)

 
At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sab-
actually i dont care,
you can cahoot all you want with whomever you want as long as it makes you happy.

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger the sabra said...

tov
todah

 

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