Hey all, I’m sitting here by a friends wedding in Pittsburgh, yes I took the 7 hour bus ride from NY (and lets not talk about the fact that I didnt sleep a wink last night, I'm feeling very zombie like), anyhow the wedding is underway but the dancing still hasn’t started (its one of those real shleper weddings where the pictures take forever, FOREVER!!! Anyhow just looked up some thought and jokes on marriage and figured I’d share, ENJOY!
Here goes…
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man celebrating his 75th wedding anniversary was asked to explain the secret of a long, happy marriage. He quickly responded, "when you have the last word in an argument, it had better be 'yes, ma'am' or 'no ma'am'".
Ransom
A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, "I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
Visionary Wife
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
The Wrong One
At the cocktail party, one married woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other politely replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
A peaceful marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'
The Wedding Ring Curse
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
And just to finish with a simple questions “If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?”
Now on to dancing and drinking, and dreading the 7 hour drive back to NY, arghhh, fat chance of catching any sleep on the way back, wish me luck, or better yet pray for me that I keep my sanity on the ride home on the bus full of drunks.
posted by Chasidishe Shaigitz @ 9:14 PM
15 comments
15 Comments:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring,
so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
I think I am going to make sheva brochos for the next couple to get engaged just so Hubby can read these- hysterical!!!!!
Thank you!
shaigitz! put away ur laptop and get back to the wedding! forget all those fancy blog words-youre mad!
and so i pray for you to keep ur insanity on the bus ride back...
SUPERS: :) Nice.
KASAMBA: Just remember to remind them its only humor, you dont want to freak out the newly-weds after all....
THESABRA: I did, I did, and not to worry I did my fare share of dancing, though I must not forget to mention the line of people waiting to use my laptop.
Ahhh, the madnnes is spreading ;) Just got of the bus like a hour ago, out of the 7 hours I only managed to sleep one, after being up for around 30 hours straight (dont worry nowhere near my record) so yes I have good reason for being insane now, G-d my legs are still asleep, now if only I can get the rest of my body to fall asleep as well.
Thanks for the prayers, I'm thinking that it might have been your prayers that put all the drunk guys to sleep early in the ride and helped me keep some of my sanity, so I guess I might owe you one ;)
JEMINA3: Oh man what have I done, I hope you never have to reach the third warning, after that I take no responsibility for your actions.
Remember this is humor only, not to be taken as serious marriage counseling ;)
Good stuff dude!
hmmm seems u missed the part of me prayin for ur INsanity to stay intact...never mind than..you just go ahead and live ur life as u see fit...
that one was pricelss
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Your blog should be recommanded by Doctors, great laughs!
Kasamba - you have a deal!
Some great pieces here!
Also, there are only 2 words you need to remember to say to your wife in all tense situations - yes. dear.
I heard similar version of mule story recetly, but guy who said it, made it into piece that was actually quite beleivable at first. Was hilarious!
While u were busy blooging, we found good local beer for 3.25 a glass.
Anon: Please identify yourself 3.25 sounds great, email me and we will have a party...
Email me.
Aw what a pity, I'll be waiting for a call or email.
Here is a joke that was in my blog post about the elderly. I heard it at a conference for social workers about intimacy and the elderly. There was this old lady going to bed. She told her husband she wanted to talk like they used to. He grumbled and turned over. Then she says you used to hold my hand, so he takes his hand and puts it on hers and lays down. Then she says and you would kiss me, he gives her a peck on the cheek. She says you would bite me on the neck. He gets out of bed. She asks him where he is going. He says to get his teeth.
Matchless theme, it is very interesting to me :)
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