A minister and an atheist buddy of his were out playing golf one Saturday afternoon. The atheist wasn't playing very well. At the third hole he missed an easy putt and the minister was ahead.
"Oh s***, I missed," the atheist said angrily.
"Don't talk like that," said the minister
They played on for awhile, and the at the sixth hole the atheist missed another really easy shot.
"Godd^^n it to h^ll," he said loudly.
"Please don't talk that way," said the minister. "God will punish you if you use profanity."
The atheist gave him a dirty look, and they kept playing. By the ninth hole, the atheist had recovered and they were neck-and-neck. The atheist's last shot was lined up perfectly, and it looked like he was the winner. But when he putted, the ball rolled off to the right and down a slight slope.
"@#$%&!" yelled the atheist. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening sizzled out of the sky, frying the minister in his tracks. A few seconds later a booming heavenly voice from the clouds said, "Oh s***! I missed."

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The group ahead of them was playing slow, terrible golf and wasn’t gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering their own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."
The Protestant cried, "Oh, J, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The Catholic cried, "Oh forgive me, M, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at night!?"

A man and a parrot sit next to each other in a plane. The service in the plane is really bad, the man hasn’t had a drink for hours and he’s starting to dehydrate. The parrot on the other hand is getting drink after drink by the harrowed cabin crew. Each time the parrot orders a drink it does so with a lot of cursing and shouting. The man decides to follow the same tactic and starts shouting. "Hey, $#%$ get me a whiskey!" To his surprise he gets his whiskey and follows through with the same tactic. Soon, both man and parrot outdo each other in shouting and insults until the cabin crew has had enough. They grab the man and parrot and throw them out of the plane. Now both of them are plummeting towards the ground below when the parrot says to the man: "Boy, for someone who can't fly you sure do curse a lot".