YOU KNOW ITS A HOT SUMMER WHEN...
• The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
• Who needs a microwave or toaster oven when 5 minutes in the sun will do the job.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
• The fire hydrants are flagging down dogs for relief.
• You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• The marshmallows melt before you could roast them over the grill.
• You can say 113 degrees without fainting.
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• You can make instant sun tea.
• You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
• You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
• The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
• You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• Its noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
• Taking a shower is almost pointless, because its so hot you break out in sweat just from drying yourself
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
• You pass by the homeless people and see then frying eggs and making pancakes, on the sidewalk!
• The devil stays out of your city, because it’s so hot.
• You turn on the fan, but it only blows hot air.
• A winter blizzard doesn’t sound so bad anymore.
• You finish cooking the hot dogs and burgers on the grill and realize you never lit the coals.



ITS IN YOUR HEAD
(A story/joke I remember from my fifth grade teacher, hey I might have forgotten the gemara, but at least I remember something)

One cool summer night H and C who were roommates were having a little disagreement, H found the room to stuffy and hot while C thought it was just fine and if anything maybe even a bit cool, so after lying in bed for a few minutes with the lights out H figuring C was already sleeping felt his way along the room until he made his way to the window and opened it to let in some cool air and went to bed, finally comfortable enough to sleep.

A few minutes later C woke up only to find the room freezing cold and so he stumbles his way around the room and finds the window in the dark, slams it shut and goes back to bed, H of course feels the heat a few minutes later and stumbles back to the window to open it only this time H is up and they start fighting about whether the window should be open or closed, Hot or Cold.

After a few minutes of heated arguing, it started to turn physical, and soon enough objects were flying around the room, with each one feeling around blindly in the dark and finding shoes or whatever else was lying around to throw at each other, when suddenly there was a loud CRASH! You idiot yelled C, you broke the window! Now it’s going to be freezing cold, and so with no other option he stumbles back into his bed and buried himself in his blanket while H lied back down in his bed enjoying the cool breeze from the broken window.

In the morning both of them wake up, H feeling well rested from his cool nights sleep and H all grumpy from the cold and both of them turn in the light to find the mess from the broken window, only to find that the window was still closed and actually wasn’t even broke! In the dark they had actually shattered… the mirror. :)

Summer time.

Hurray! Summer is here at last, and I can finally be out all I want, no cares, no coat, no cold, no worries!
“Oh that’s nice, but don’t forget not to stay in the sun to long, you don’t want to get sun-burnt or dehydrate, also beware of heat stroke and heat exhaustion, make sure you drink a lot of water and try not to run around to much. Be careful during those heavy thunderstorms, you don’t want to get struck by lightning G’D forbid! Oh and please remember to watch out for ticks, mosquitoes, bees, poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac… and don’t forget to mind you allergies…!”
Great! Only around 4 months left to winter when I can finally go out again!

ME: Ok, truthfully I LOVE SUMMER! All because I refuse to go upstate and prefer to remain behind in the city while the rest of my family packs up and heads out to camp etc. doesn’t mean I have anything against summer… Its simply that these days my idea of vacation has nothing to do with going to a upstate camp, and for all those who aren’t familiar with upstate NY that means leaving the comfort of your blessed air conditioned HOME in the city, and traveling to some mosquito infested place, which turns into a mud-pie after rain, just to live in some shack they call a bungalow, a place where the only 24/7 store is wal-mart, oh and before I forget my biggest annoyance with camp is I that B”h my family is quite large (12 kids) so why in the world would I want to spend my summer vacation time surrounded by not only 11 kids but rather close to 200 wild screaming campers???

So you see I chose to remain behind, with a house all for myself, while the rest of the family and other city people pack out, so I can enjoy the peace and quiet during the day, and of course I have plenty of friends in town, so there is always plenty to do at night, aside for the occasional beer party at my home. (MOM if you’re reading this, I’m only kidding, not to worry everything is ok, the house is still intact and neat as can be, and yes I’m still learning smicha with my chavrusa every day ;)

SNOWMAN SUMMER JOB


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Billy about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

A minister and an atheist buddy of his were out playing golf one Saturday afternoon. The atheist wasn't playing very well. At the third hole he missed an easy putt and the minister was ahead.
"Oh s***, I missed," the atheist said angrily.
"Don't talk like that," said the minister
They played on for awhile, and the at the sixth hole the atheist missed another really easy shot.
"Godd^^n it to h^ll," he said loudly.
"Please don't talk that way," said the minister. "God will punish you if you use profanity."
The atheist gave him a dirty look, and they kept playing. By the ninth hole, the atheist had recovered and they were neck-and-neck. The atheist's last shot was lined up perfectly, and it looked like he was the winner. But when he putted, the ball rolled off to the right and down a slight slope.
"@#$%&!" yelled the atheist. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening sizzled out of the sky, frying the minister in his tracks. A few seconds later a booming heavenly voice from the clouds said, "Oh s***! I missed."

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The group ahead of them was playing slow, terrible golf and wasn’t gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering their own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."
The Protestant cried, "Oh, J, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The Catholic cried, "Oh forgive me, M, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at night!?"

A man and a parrot sit next to each other in a plane. The service in the plane is really bad, the man hasn’t had a drink for hours and he’s starting to dehydrate. The parrot on the other hand is getting drink after drink by the harrowed cabin crew. Each time the parrot orders a drink it does so with a lot of cursing and shouting. The man decides to follow the same tactic and starts shouting. "Hey, $#%$ get me a whiskey!" To his surprise he gets his whiskey and follows through with the same tactic. Soon, both man and parrot outdo each other in shouting and insults until the cabin crew has had enough. They grab the man and parrot and throw them out of the plane. Now both of them are plummeting towards the ground below when the parrot says to the man: "Boy, for someone who can't fly you sure do curse a lot".