Flying High.

My most memorable time on a airplane was a flight back from Italy, I was sitting near this gentile woman on the plane and we got into a little discussion to kill some time before takeoff, anyhow she noticed I was Jewish (obviously) and we got into a whole discussion about religion and G-d... After talking with her for a while she admitted that she wasn't really much of a religious person and didn't quite believe in G-d for various reasons which we spoke about for a bit, after a while the pilot announced over the intercom that we were about to start taking off, so I took out my Tefilas Haderech (prayer for a journey) and got ready to say the prayer, the woman near me noticed the card that I took out and inquired what it was, so I explained to her that it's a certain prayer that we say before we go on any long trip, fly or drive, she found it interesting and asked me if I can translate the prayer into English for her which I did (to the best of my capabilities ;)

We were taxing down the runway and started picking up speed to take off, and we were going rather fast when all of a sudden the pilot hit the brakes and the plane came to a SCREECHING stop! You could hear the nervous whispers from everyone, some people were white in the face and no one was feeling that great, then the pilot gets back on the intercom again and announces that due to some warning light that went on he had to abort takeoff, but there is nothing to worry about and we were heading back to the front off the runway to begin takeoff again, at that point the lady sitting near practically grabs my arm and begs me: SAY THE PRAYER AGAIN! PLEASE, SAY IT AGAIN!

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Airline humor.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a little more entertaining. Here are some recently-overheard quips:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew:

Ladies and gentlemen we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

On landing she said: Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

On a Delta Business Express: We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

From Southwest, which has the reputation of being the funniest airline: Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!

My favorite one is:

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From A To Z about me.

Checked out The Sabra's blog and noticed I've been tagged! So after consulting my case officer at the witness protection program and after getting approval from the guys over at the C.I.A. I took some time to work on the meme, and came to realize how little I know of myself, anyhow here is what I came up with and I hope y'all enjoy.

Accent: Brooklyn accent, and yes I talk fast too.

Booze: No I am not under the affluence of incohol! Scotch drinker, Any of the glens will do (Glenmorangie is my favorite, I stay far away from vodka, and I'll join you for a beer anytime.

Chore I Hate: I will sweep the floor, clean the table, and yes I always keep my room clean, But I HATE washing dishes.

Dogs/Cats: Younger brothers, always fighting like cats and dogs.

Essential Electronics: finally got a cell phone last year, now if only I can get myself a laptop, its been on the top of my wish-list for the past few years, guess I'll just have to keep on wishing.

Favorite Cologne: Ralph Lauren Romance, Safari, and Polo Blue, also Banana republic and CK Eternity.

Gold/Silver: My dads coin collection.

Hometown: Brooklyn Yo!

Insomnia: Sometimes I think I'm a vampire! the night time is the right time, party time. Or as my mom always asks me; why do you sleep so much now, you can sleep all you want after 120 years! Great advice, that's why I stay up all night. Then again maybe its just because I'm a morning person- One, Two, or three in the morning happen to be my favorite times of the day

Job Title: Currently acting (It seems exodus is going until shavout,) dabbling a bit in financial services, and no I did not give up on smicha.

Kids: Marriage first.

"You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking where they came from, and refuse to tell you where they are going"

Living Arrangements: After 23 years I finally got my own bedroom, and then my parent want to know why I'm in no rush to get married.

Most Admired Trait: Friendly and Humorous. Oh and modest too!

Number of sexual partners: I did not have sex with that woman! -Bill C.- define sex please. Its always fun talking to non-Jewish people and checking out their reaction when I tell them none, and then trying to explain why.

Overnight Hospital Stays: None, Thank G-d I never broke a bone or had to be hospitalized for any other reason, even though as I kid I was always envious of the kids who got to wear casts on their arms, it just looked so cool...…

Phobia: For real? This is a joke right, your just trying to trick me, what? Do you really think I am so gullible? What?

Quote: Too many to count, heck this whole meme is full of quotes! First one that comes to mind now "Why is it that my road to success is always under construction?!"

Religion: Thank G-d I'm an atheist! erf erf JEWISH duh!

Siblings: OK OK I'll tell you... 12. Yup anyone ever watch cheaper by the dozen? Never a dull moment. In my house we don't get worried when there is screaming, we get worried when there is silence.

Time I usually wake up: preferably 4 to 8 hours after I go to sleep, now what time I go to sleep is a whole different issue.

Unusual Talent: Talking and listening at the same time ;)

"talent is G-d given. Be humble. Fame is man- given. Be grateful. Conceit is self -given. Be careful."

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Celery, weird no? I love salads and all but there is just something about raw celery that turns me off.

Worst Habit: Being lazy at times, or as I prefer to call it, Unmotivated. "Procrastination is the bad habit of putting of until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday."

X-Rays: Sure, my dentist loves taking pictures of my teeth, I never really understood why as I don't think they are the best around, Oh and that time when I was around 7 y/o when I fell of my porch and my parents though I broke my arm, fun fun fun.

Yummy Foods I Make: Sorry, I'm not that big into cooking, but I can make a killer breakfast and a great tuna sandwich oh and I know how to warm up frozen pizza to perfection!

Zodiac Sign: Pisces, fish for Adar.

DISCLAIMER: This meme is not to be used for shidduch, work, on any other kind of resume or reference. it is solely for humorous purposes :)

I hereby tag Twisted reality, Supersplatt, and NY state of mind. G'luck.

I happened to be at a fancy dinner event a little while back (in honor of the first year anniversary of the JCM) and they were in middle of giving out awards n'stuff for the rich guys who had donated lots of money, and I'm talking about millionaires here.

Anyhow one of these rich guys gets called up to receive an award for his big donations, after receiving his award he went on to mention and thank everyone, the crowd, his family etc. And then he starts walking back from the stage to his seat.

I think someone whispered some kind of reminder to him because all of a sudden this rich millionaire guy comes RUNNING back to the stage, gets on the mike and says: I'm so sorry, OMG! How can I have forgotten? I would like to mention and thank my dear and lovely wife... That got the place rolling with laughter, and it took a while for the MC to start talking again, which he did by turning to the poor guy and saying to him: Dude, You owe be big for reminding you there :)

Later on when one of the last honorees got up to speak, he started of by saying: There is something good about being one of the last speakers, you get to listen and learn from the other guys mistakes, so to start off, and before anything, I would like to thank MY wife...

And I'm talking about extremely rich and influential people here, which brought me to the conclusion that "Men may wear the pants in their homes, but its the women who pick the size and colors"

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"Marriage is all about the rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was "Always"."

"Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."

"After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"In the beginning, God created earth and rested.Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.Since then, neither God nor man has rested."

"First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

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My wife asked me to buy "organic" vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

Homer Omer calendar

Fan of The Simpsons? Check out this fun Omer calendar.

http://www.jvibe.com/homer/

Goodbye snow, hello... Rain?!

"What happened to winter"
Winter Leftover.


In today's weather... AHHHH!

What is up with these weather forecasts? Who in G-d's name hired these guys, and what in G-d's name are they saying???

To start with lets start with what is really ticking me off right now, all the spring season rain, lots of rain, but some days are actually nice and yet looking at the weather online all I see is rain! I look out the window and its beautiful, I mean how do these guys come up with these predictions? I'll bet they just sit in a room and one guy says to the other: Hey Bob, ya know we haven't had rain in a while, I think we should pencil in rain for tomorrow and lets see what happens... Or maybe they just happened to hear about the Jewish rain prayer on pesach and it went something like this: Hey Joe did ya hear the Jews did some kind of rain dance asking their G-d for rain, you know how he likes to listen to them, I say we predict lots of rain this week.

My favorite guess however would be that Bob and Joe have some old guy with arthritis sitting on the roof of the weather station and every once in a while the guy hollers at them: Hey buddies my joints and bones are killing me, I'm telling you we are going to have rain sometime soon, I can feel it alright. And then Bob and Joe try to figure out when exactly is it going to rain, Joe: So what do you say Bob rain tomorrow, AM or PM? Bob: Gee Joe I really don't know, here I'm flipping a coin, heads or tails, you call it this time, last time I called rain and we ended up having a blizzard.

My next favorite part is listening where exactly the wind is coming from, they cant just say its windy outside, no that would be way to simple, instead they have to say where exactly the wind is coming from, and exactly how fast the winds are... Who gives a crap if the winds are coming from the North or the South or the Northwest, what is up with these people! Pray tell me what is the difference between a eastern wind and a western wind? Does it howl with a different accent?! But perhaps maybe they understand what a walk to shul with a shabbos hat is all about and they are trying to inform us which way to tilt our heads, so this way my brand new borsalino wont go flying on the street and get run over by a truck, like it happened to my bro right after he got his bar-mitzvah hat, listen when I see someone's hat fly I yell at him: Hey buddy, didn't you listen to the weather, we have a northern wind coming in! Tilt your head/hat to the north, moron!

One other thing that really kills me is when they are saying the weather and the stupid weatherman will say something like this: So its sunny outside and feels like 60*... FEELS LIKE? What does feels like mean? Is it or isn't it? I mean if it feels like 60 then it most probably is 60, no? If were to put my brand new "Digital weather thermometer" outside, is it going to say, feels like 60' but you should know it really isn't, remember it only feels like it, really its freezing but ya see, the sun is warming the earth so it makes you think its allot warmer then it really is, or maybe right now its really boiling hot but hey with that wind out there you can never really be sure, so I'm just going to tell you what it FEELS LIKE, but remember what you feel aint always what is.

Oy'sh G-d bless the weatherman, he has a hard enough time keeping track and trying to figure out where the heck all those arrows on the darn screen are pointing to...

Just to finish off, what the heck is the difference between a slight wind or a heavy breeze? And is there really much of a difference between a little drizzle and a heavy mist?

Me :)


"Youth is like spring, an overpraised season"

"Spring is not the best of seasons. Cold and flu are two good reasons; wind and rain and other sorrow, warm today and cold tomorrow"

Need haircut!

How can I have forgotten? I noticed it right away as I walked into shul the first day of pesach... I had forgotten to take a haircut! Everyone else were walking around with short short hair, of course they all remembered to take their pre-sefirah haircuts, but me being SO busy (sleeping of exodus) forgot to get it done before the chag and now I cant take a haircut until Lag B'omer (sfirah laws.)

Oh well, Guess I'll just have to pray my hair doesn't grow much until then, otherwise I might end up looking like Tarzan, the most annoying thing by far was/is shabbos and the whole yom tov, you know having to wear a hat, and then when you take it off all the hair that was under the hat is flattened down but all around it is fluffy like, ochhhh I cant stand dorky hair.

Got me in the mood of some hair humor so here is what I got.

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A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Again the guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

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Haircuts: Men & Women

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

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While getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

Chag sameach (2nd days)

So pesach is coming to an end, chol hamoed flew by, even with acting in exodus (8 shows a day!) and now getting ready for the last days.

All the best and chag sameach, and may we all merit fresh bagel's and pizza after the chag.

Pesach blues

The 1 minute seder (hebrew)

http://haggadah.z-kit.com/h.swf


Kosher for passover beer!

http://www.jewishworldreview.com/kosher/passover_beer.php3


Who let the jews out?

http://passovergreeting.com/


How to break Matzah exactly in half! (Japanese, What!)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Jj_HzQSWKBQ

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Found in mail, figured worthy of sharing.

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi at Northern Michigan University in Marquette would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk Shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all convened to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with one arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And, just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising J.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back at it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear.

Happy Passover

Wishing all my fellow bloggers a Happy and Kosher Passover.
Good luck with all the pesach cleaning, if you aren't done yet :( or if you are like me and then its the last minute scramble :) enjoy all that matzah and wine, and my personal favorite, the maror! If it were up to me ide have the corech sandwich at least once a week (G-d bless hillel.) here's to finding the perfect balance between matzah (constipation) and all those fruits (laxative) and lets not forget potatoes potatoes and more potatoes. And yes BTW I'm still convinced that pesach is all a simple DENTAL scam! Matzah, destroyer of teeth and creator of cavities.

Happy passover!

Chag sameach!

Funny Q's

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Parody: If the Passover Story Were Reported by CNN or The New York Times

CNN and NY Times cover the Passover

The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me." While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."

Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower G-d. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President JacquesChirac.

Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.

The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues." The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. "If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them," Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.

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The Bitter Herb

There once was a man named Herb who had slaved away at his job for many years. He never expected them to pass over him for promotion, but they did, and so he was bitter about that. Bitter Herb is what they called him. Although he was the kind of guy who mows his lawn each weekend, it seemed that he was even bitter about that too.

He would often whine about the problems that plagued him. He always seemed to have a bone to pick about this or that. Things were made worse by a co-worker who egged him on, a guy that Herb once called a "dip" twice. You might just say that Herb wasn't upright. One day, Bitter Herb returned from the boss's office all hoarse and reddish.

"I'm fired! They're gonna let my people go! " he cried. "Why? Why why why?" He opened his wallet and looked inside. "No bread!" he exclaimed. " He gypped me out of a job!" That night, as he cleared out his desk, he knew that this night was different from all other nights.

Just then, he knocked over a glass and water flowed across his desk toward some photos. Luckily, before they got wet, the water parted and Herb picked up the photos. They were vacation pictures by his children of Israel.

After leaving and then wandering around for a while, Herb moved to Florida where he was promised land. Herb is now happy when he and his wife go out to the local restaurant and order the special and one is completely free.

Self-image

Telemarketers

Ways to irritate a Telemarketer:

When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's ya been?"

Tell them to talk V-E-R-Y V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, because
you want to write down EVERY WORD.

Understanding women

Words Women Use.

Study this and know it!

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies anargument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be carefuland you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Optimist or pessimist?

"Thing good, and it will be good" or "Expect the worst and the best will happen"

Opti or pessi' , the two ways to live life, when something bad happens do you freak out and get all nervous, or are you the type of person that says, hey it already happened, now time to move on.

Thinking positive is always good, makes life a lot easier, but the way I see it, lets face it, I' a realist, as so are most people ( I hope) and we all know that life isn't always easy, sometimes you have to be ready for the ugly, and thinking it will all be good is just going to set you up for the shock of your life...

On the other hand, expecting the worst is just going to give you a nervous breakdown, its a terrible way to live your life, always expecting/seeing the bad in life... Advantage is however that when the bad does happen you will be prepared and can say, see I told you so!@

Me, I'm a optimistic pessimist.

My tipsy quotes:

Optimist: Changing your blood type to B-positive. (or 0-negative)

"Depressed? Me? I'm not depressed... I'm pissed off! Depressed would mean that I feel like killing MYSELF, P/O means that I feel like killing SOMEONE ELSE!"

"I'm not sad, I'm just exercising my frown muscles."


Tipsy me ;) (Under the afluence of incohol, hope I made some sense, L'chaim!)
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An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."