From Harry.

Most of America 's population think it improper to spank children,
So I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child
for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
A Friend


Click on above problem child pic for solution technique.

The international sign of marriage

Partial credit goes to WIRES ;)

Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."

Marriage - Female going from lipstick to broomstick.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

Every man should get married some time; After all, happiness is not the only thing in life!
eeeesh.

Cheer up!" said Alan to his depressed friend, John. "Why don't you drown your sorrows?"
John, a married man, turned a doleful face towards him and said: "No man, that would be murder."



An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets... the more interested he is in her.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why?
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why??

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.



A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent...?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

JIB Awards

Hey thanks to whoever nominated me, pretty cool. Now lets see how many votes I can get.



Vote Here

Going through my computer...




Road trip '06 Me looking forward to summer-time.


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Nice try by my younger sis chany, she must have snuck into my room once before I was able to log off and left me this note.

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Its not WHO you know, it’s what you know ABOUT THEM.

"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown

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Oh ya, I'm (finally?) home! Big thanks to M.S. AKA Shack for letting me crash. (Next 40 is on me dude ;)

Trust the maps?

Take 60 seconds to do this. I guarantee you will show it to someone else...
it is too funny not to.

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps" (above the search box)
3. click on "get directions" (under the search box)
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. scroll down to step #23

:)

A Few of My Favorite Things
(Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things")

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.


Q:What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?

A: A matzochist!

:) Am I the only one smiling at that joke?

A Gut Moed,
CS.

P.S. Dont forget to count the Omer.

http://www.jvibe.com/homer

Chag Kosher V'sameach!

MATZAH???

CS Theory

“Mosses saw that no matter how hard he pleaded and begged pharaoh wasn’t going to let the jews go, so seeing no alternative he was forced to bring the final plague… he sent forth his dear mother in law to negotiate with king pharaoh.

5 minutes later the jews were free. It seems pharaoh was so terrified of the dreaded mother-in-law plague that he actually demanded that the Jews leave right away. Unfortunately the jews had absolutely no time to prepare and subsequently they had nothing to eat for their journey into the desert.

Most jewish wives did what jewish women do in general when there is nothing to eat, which is to send their husbands to the local Chinese dinner, but it seemed their luck had run out as the hour was late and all the Chinese restaurants were closed! Sad to say cooking chicken or yummy schnitzel wasn’t an option as the jews had recently discovered that there was something fishy with their local shochet, and cow/steak would have been wonderful but alas they were all stricken with the terrible “Pissed off/Mad cow disease”.

But praise the Lord who is forever merciful the jews finally stumbled upon a source of late night food… hidden somewhere in the deserted Egyptian alleyways the tired and hungry Hebrew came across a greasy yet tasty “shwarma falafel” joint owned by one of their own Israeli brethren! And so it was that as the Jews left Egypt each one was munching happily on a LAFFA filled with LAMB SHAWRMA, which they spoke about forever due to some BITTER spread called SCHUG with had them all running for the bathrooms the next day…”

So there you have it guys, it was LAFFA not MATZAH the jews were eating as they left Egypt! I mean think about it, same shape and same size (both are thin and round,) and ok the name is a bit off, but hey they rhyme! And no it aint the lamb of the Korban pesach we mention each year by the seder, it was the freakin shwarma! And let’s not forget about the Schug/bitter herb…

Now just think about it, instead of matza and marror, we’d be having laffa and shwarma (with some hot peppers and some schug) for pesach!


Now that's what I call a sandwich! (Mmmm guess what I'm having for Korech ;)


Ok before I drive meself meshugah over that one here is another one of my Theories.

Kitnious/beans.

Skip all the halacha excuses and lets just get to the real reason why we stay away from kitnious on pesach.

MATAZAH = Constipation

BEANS = Gas

Anyone need me to explain???

Wishing you all a kosher and freilichen pesach!

Next/This/ year in Jerusalem! (With shwarma!)

CS.

Pesach Blues

Repost from last year of all my favorite pesach links.
Pesach Cleaning :)



Kosher for passover beer!


Who let the jews out?



How to break Matzah exactly in half! (Japanese, What!)


And some pesach stories (humor) from last year.


If anyone knows of any other interesting pesach links please feel free to share.



Add on due to bloggers request ;)

The Two-Minute Seder: A Passover Service for the Impatient


Opening prayers:

Thanks God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why
we're doing this.

Four Questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for
making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was
morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child - explain Passover.
Simple child - explain Passover slowly.
Silent child - explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child - browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five
bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.
(Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice - you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea -
(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Add on #2

From JibJab. MATZAH! (Not so kosher.)