NOT About S***!

Post revised for sensitive readers :p

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, try to find someone whose life is giving them vodka, and have a party."

Long story short.

After talking with some random people outside of a gathering, we came to the conclusion that...

Life is full of doo-doo, in fact most peoples life will be stricken with fecal matter at some time or another, and all people have to deal with muck, and so although you might be dealing with a poopy situation right now and all seems like cow dung, you should know that bm happens to everyone, no you aren’t that special that manure presented itself to you at this present day, cuz hey "bowel movement happens"!

And now that we know that doggy-do is actually quite common we moved on to the next part of our conversation, what to do with all that excrement???

The problem is that a lot of people when hit with kak, tend to wallow and lie in their droppings, and as if that wasn’t the worst of it, they even have the chutzpah to fling their excretion around and attempt to share their excretory product with others, which is totally not cool, I mean hey as I said before sometimes life can be kind of crappy, but please don’t drag me into your excreta, for G-d’s sake I have enough of my own!

OK, so now that we all know that ordure happens to everyone, and even more then that we also know that nobody likes fecalith, then how about trying to deal with it...

Option A. Q. What does a pig do with pig-dung? A. A pig lies in his stool, rolls in muck and doesn’t try to do anything about the waste cuz the pig is so surrounded and overtaken by all the dreck that it cares not to do anything about it and it actually has become part of its drecky lifestyle.

Option B. Q. What does a farmer do with excrement? A. A farmer will utilizes his manure and plant with this crap and grow a field from it! So while a farmer knows that he has to deal with crud just like the pig does, he instead decided that instead of just lying in it and rolling around in it until he totally stinks like doo-doo like the pig does, he instead decides to actually make something out of it, to grow from it, to gain from it, and to use it for the positive.

Bottom line: Life is full of crap, yet it all depends on what you do with this chara, you can either chose to be like a pig, to accept your turds at face value and roll around in it untill you stink like it, or be like the farmer...

Do I need to explain?


Sorry about the sober post, but I’m kinda tipsy right now, and so all my dear readers please, forgive me if you don’t understand this (although it makes perfect sense to me right now. Hmmm, maybe when I’m sober…)

G’morning, G’night, and good afternoon.

"Almost everything in life is easier to get into then out of"

Oh yah, also terrible sorry about using the word chara, hope I didnt offent anyone... ok so I dont realy care but still I'm apologizing, and only G-d knows why.

I say "When life gives you fecies, grow a rosebush"

Hey all, I’m sitting here by a friends wedding in Pittsburgh, yes I took the 7 hour bus ride from NY (and lets not talk about the fact that I didnt sleep a wink last night, I'm feeling very zombie like), anyhow the wedding is underway but the dancing still hasn’t started (its one of those real shleper weddings where the pictures take forever, FOREVER!!! Anyhow just looked up some thought and jokes on marriage and figured I’d share, ENJOY!

Here goes…

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man celebrating his 75th wedding anniversary was asked to explain the secret of a long, happy marriage. He quickly responded, "when you have the last word in an argument, it had better be 'yes, ma'am' or 'no ma'am'".

Ransom
A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, "I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

Visionary Wife
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

The Wrong One
At the cocktail party, one married woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other politely replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

A peaceful marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'

The Wedding Ring Curse
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

And just to finish with a simple questions “If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?”

Now on to dancing and drinking, and dreading the 7 hour drive back to NY, arghhh, fat chance of catching any sleep on the way back, wish me luck, or better yet pray for me that I keep my sanity on the ride home on the bus full of drunks.

Here is a list I put together of some of my favorite blogger definitions. Some I found, and yes, some I made up, for instance I found this article to be very BLOGWORTHY and it was rather easy finding stuff being that this is so BLOGABLE, oh whatever, hope y’all like it. If you have any other words which you think might fit well into this list then comment!

BLOGGERS DICTIONARY.

BLOG:
1. Short for WEBLOG: A meaningless and uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are interested in their stupid, pathetic life, and actually might even care about them.
2. A common typo for the word bog or blob.
3. An unforgivably ugly sounding word.
4. A collection of writings which usually lives up to the sound.

SEE ALSO

BLAWG: A web log written by lawyers and/or concerned primarily with legal affairs.

BLEG: To use one's blog to beg for assistance (usually for information, occasionally for money). One who does so is a 'blegger'.

Summary of blog: Usually very much like a personal book or a diary, however unlike blogs, diaries require no electricity to operate. They also have a greater likelihood of being read, especially by younger siblings.

BLOGGER:
1. A diarist in search of an audience.
2. A patient in search of a therapist but unable to pay by the hour.
3. Someone with way to much time on their hands

BLOGOSPHERE:
1. A universe inhabited by the blogospherical.
2. A recently located location in the Wide Webbed World, visited mainly by bloggers and such species.

WARNING: There have been some reported cases of people getting stuck or disappearing in the blogosphere for days and sometimes even for weeks, months, or years! And in some severe cases even causing them to vanish completely, never to be seen again!!!

BLOGOGLER: People who read blogs but refuse to start one themselves. Those fringe readers who lurk, post comments that clearly indicate that they have something to say, but refuse to come into the light.

SEE ALSO

BLURKER:
1. One who reads many blogs but leaves no evidence of themselves such as comments behind; a silent observer of blogs.
2. One who reads many blogs but has no blog of their own; a blog-watcher or blog voyeur aka “BLOGLER”

BLOGTASTIC: a fantastic blog. OR,
BLOGERIFIC: A terrific blog.

BLOGATHY: A form of apathy, when you just don't give a damn about posting in your blog that day.

BLOGIARISM: The act of copying a article from another blog, without receiving consent and/or failing to give credit to the author.

BLOGGEREL: Variant of "doggerel." Opinion put forward on a blog that has previously been repeated over and over and over again until it makes people sick.

BLOGROACH: A reader who infests the comment section of a blog, disagreeing with everything posted in the most obnoxious manner possible.

BLOGROLL: A collection of links to other blogs or blog buddies that are found on most blogs, and like a drum-roll, the longer it goes, the more annoying it is.

BLOGOLOGY: The science of blogging.

BLOGFATHER: An owner of a blogging website. Not to be confused with
BLOGGURU: Someone who is looked up to by fellow bloggers, and normally knows almost anything there is to know about blogging.

Lets not forget the blog sicknesses.

BLOGORRHEA: An unusually high volume output of articles on a blog.

BLOGSTIPATION: To be unable to think of anything to blog about, i.e. writers' block for bloggers.

BLOGNESIA: Forgetting what you had in mind to blog about.

BLOGATITIS: A mysterious blog disease, leading to the absence of a blogger for weeks and consequently a long period of no blog updates.

BLOGAPHOBIA: Someone who refuses to converse about blogs or blogging (blog shy) or a paranoid blogger obsessed with what people think about his blogging aka BLAGANOID.

Note: if you are reading this which means that you actually took the time off to read all this garbage, then you just might be a BLOGAHOLIC! Seek help immediately by signing up with Bloggers anonymous, a place where you can meet other bloggers and talk about… blogging.

I came across this piece of humor and found it rather amusing...

MEN VS WOMEN.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Gosh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh, I feel so....." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Understanding Men

Men are simple things.
They can survive a whole
weekend with only three things:
Beer, boxer shorts and batteries
for the remote control.


What men say and what they actually mean . . .

•"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

•"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

•"THAT’S WOMENS WORK" Means, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless.”

•"WILL YOU MARRY ME?" Means, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

•"I’M GETTING MORE EXERCISE LATELY," Means, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

•"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

•"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR
•"YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

•"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

•"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

•"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

•"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

•"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "Something is wrong, followed by “Honey you won’t believe what happened...."

•"I MISSED YOU," Means, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

•"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

•"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

•"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
•"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

•"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

•"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

•"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"HONEY, WE DON’T NEED MATERIAL THINGS TO PROVE OUR LOVE," Means, "I forgot our anniversary again."

•"IT’S A REALY GOOD MOVIE" Means, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

•"I DON’T NEED TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS," Means, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

•"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

•"WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE," Means, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

•"I DO HELP AROUND THE HOUSE," Means, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

•"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

IN A WOMEN'S WORLD.

Cheese blintzes, "desert," and the ten commandments

NOTE: the ten commandments are not multiple choice. (And remember its a command as in commandment, not commend as in commendable!)

Didn’t any of the jews notice the small letters in fine print on the bottom corner of the ten commandment tablets? You know where it said "terms of acceptance: Comes with a minimum lifetime subscription, cannot be cancelled and must be kept at all times, failure to adhere to these commandments can lead to pissing of G-d and thus certain degrees of punishment may follow..." oh yeah and lets not forget the part of "These ten are just the preface, more commandments will be added on, 603 more to be exact"

A Hebrew school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without any hesitation, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Ever wonder if maybe the whole receiving of the torah thing was just a mirage? I mean think about it the jews were already wandering in the desert for fourty days, they must have been seeing things by then! Ok Ok maybe not.

Reminds me of this one story where this little boy was walking down the street thinking/saying how great G-d is and singing praises to hashem for the miracles that he did for Jewish nation, such as in Egypt etc. and this atheist guy walk's by and scolds the child saying "come on how can you really believe in all that junk, its all a lie! Take the splitting of the red see for example, scientist have long ago concluded that at that time the see was no deeper then around 10 inches and the jews simply waded across it!"
This brought a troubled look to the child’s eyes and the atheist thinking mission accomplished begins to walk away, when suddenly the child start praising G-d all over again, turning to the child the atheist asks "what now?" "well" the child replies "think about it, G-d must have drowned all the Egyptians in just ten inches of water! Now aint that a miracle?!"


Here is just a little something I've been working on, its a work in progress, so if ya dont like it, bite me :p

“Heavenly travel, this is Gawd speaking.”
“Yes hello Gawd, my name is Moses and I am interested in booking a guided tour for the Jewish nation through the desert to Jerusalem.”
“A trip through the desert? Wow I can probably make a good PROFIT out of this one “Uh sure Mr. Moses sounds like a splendid trip, nothing like some quality time in the desert, so lets see is this going to be one way or round trip?”
“Oh just one way Gawd, you see I’m just dying to settle in Jerusalem”
“Jerusalem? You know most people normally just go for the Florida retirement of maybe California, you sure about this Jerusalem place?”
“Yes, Yes Gawd, Jerusalem is what I’ve always wanted, in fact it was promised to me and my people...”
“Ok Moses whatever you say, alright then hear we go, I found the perfect guided tour for you and your nation, and let me tell you it’s a great deal.”
“Really, G-d that sounds wonderful, so let me ask you a bit about this package deal, first of all, what will we be doing for food, I heard they only have “desert” out there, Hahaha, G-d I’m funny.”
“Oh not to worry Moses, for food the Jewish nation will be feasting on delicious “man”.”
“MAN?”
“Yes Moses “man”.”
“Dude...?”
“Sweet man”
“Um you know what Gawd, I really cant see myself or the jews eating other men, I think we should try the vegetarian menu...”
“Haha, No Moses not human men! “Man” sort of like dew or mana, argh! Don’t worry, you will understand it when you see it, “man” will be falling from the sky.”
“OK Gawd, right, men will be falling from the sky, hey whatever you say, I’ll believe it when I see it...
Moving on then, tell me about the tour guides, what kinda people are they? Please tell me we aren’t talking about the ones that talk all the time and drive you meshugeh because they cant shut up, or the ones that are don’t say a word other then hello, thank you, and good bye, Oy I cant stand either of those!”
“Oh not to worry Moses it wont be either of those, as a matter of fact they wont even be human, you see I have arranged to have special clouds guiding the Jewish nation.”
“Clouds??? Oy vay, I’m sorry I asked, and here you tell me not to worry, Ha! Oh G-d speaking of worrying, what am I to do when I want to get in touch with you? I heard the reception in the desert is terrible and there is probably no way my cell phone will be working out there!”
“Calm down Moses all will be well, you see I have even arranged for you to have a direct line/connection with me, it’s a special communication device called the “Urim Vitumim” Aka the tabernacle.”
“Great Gawd, that sounds neat, leave it up to the Chinese people, always coming out with these cool gadgets.”
“ Whatever Moses, but I should warn you beforehand, this thing is kinda heavy and your going to have to shlep it around with you as well as the rest of the equipment wherever you go...”
“Oh well if we must we must, I’m sure I can get some strong jews to do the shleping”. Anyhow Gawd everything sounds pretty Kosher to me, and so I guess I’ll will be taking this deal, now about the price...?”
“Oh that will be a total of two million dollars”
“Two mill? My G-d! that’s so expensive, its insane! Come on give a jew a bargain.”
“Well Moses its 2 Mill because you will be traveling non-stop! Direct is always more expensive but is normally worth is as you will get to your destination much quicker, if you want however I can book you guys on a route with SOME stop-overs, and that will make it a lot cheaper.”
“Great! I’ll take it!”
“Um I should warn you Moses, with these extra stops, the journey will take A LOT more time.”
“Ah come on, how much more time could it be already, as I said before I’ll take the deal with the stop-overs, no promlemo.”
“OK Moses, so that trip will only “One million dollars” and remember I’m only doing it for you guys because you’re the chosen ones and everyone is always picking on you...”
“Aw thanks Gawd, you’re the man!”
“No, I’m the lord, and your welcome. Oh and before I forget I was going to ask you if you were interested, just for you because I like you so much, for a extra 5 Thousand bucks I can arrange for the trip to include a guided tour of the “Oil wells” and show you all their locations.”
“Oil wells? Come on Gawd, do I look like a sucker to you, why in the world should I care about oil wells? Its not like we will be frying “latkes’ out in the desert.”
“Ok Moses, but don’t ever say I didn’t offer it.”
“Yeah right, oil wells, ha! No offense but I think your just trying to make a easy five grand off me, Nice try but no thank you.”
“Sure no problem, OK then, that’s it for now, I’ll get this stuff together and book your journey, have a safe trip, I’ll see you out there.”
“Cool, Thanks G0d, and remember to stay in touch.”
Click.
Moshe's mother in law says: So what if he led the Jews out of Egypt and brought us to get the Torah...You would think that with all that time Moses spent talking with G-d on the mountain top, the least he could have done was to come down with NORMAL directions through the desert!

Anyhow, here's to wishing all my readers, fellow bloggers and friends a Chag Sameach! All the best, and may there be enough cheese blintzes for all of ya.