Toronto was awesome, had a really chilled time there, looking forward to G’s wedding when I’ll be going back there for almost a week to be his Shomer (Guard duty ;)

Went out motzey shabbos with some peeps to chill in a blues bar (who woulda thunk) in downtown toronto called Grossmans (again who woulda thunked) the band was cool and the beer was plenty ;) they played one song that I really liked and after they were done I asked the singer dude if he can e-mail me the lyrics, which surprisingly enough he actually did...

DON`T BE SAD

Don`t be sad and lonely, run off by yourself
Don`t think you`re the only one
Who`s life`s been put to the test
What you lost you never had
For what you`ve got you should be glad
Don`t be alone, we`re in your corner
Restart your life, get things in order

“Chorus”

Don`t be sad and lonely
You`ve got friends by your side
Don`t be sad and lonely
Have the will to survive

“Guitar solo”

Time spent alone, was hard I know
Turn it around, take the time to grow
Stay in touch, don`t fade away
Turn your sights on a brand new day

“Chorus”

“Organ solo”

What you lost you never had
For what you`ve got you should be glad
Don`t be alone, we`re in your corner
Restart your life, get things in order

“Chorus”

***************************

Thanks to WIRES for sending me this one.

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane - and let's be honest, we've all been there......

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it up.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this message.

6. Close your eyes start mumbling under your breath and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this LINK

****************************

Was at a Farbi last night (Yud Shvat) after most of the guys had already left, it was basically just me and the Rabbi/Mashpia (aside for the one guy sleeping on the couch) and we were speaking on the topic of Chasidish marriage/children…

CS: “So tell me Rabbi, what kind of girl do you see me marrying? ‘Cuz my parents think… and I think... So, what do you think?”

Rabbi: “Well I can understand your parents… and I definitely understand you… I think you should look for… such and such kind of girl… basically what I would call a “CHASIDISH SHIKTZA”.

CS: =:o

Sitting open mouthed in shock for about 10 seconds and then cracking up laughing.

I then confirmed that rabbi had actually no idea of my blog identity (and went on to explain what a blog is and why I had found what he said before so funny.) Oh yeah and so that is how (after a long absence of one) I now have a new mashpia. Mazal tov.

Waiting for my Chasidishe Shiktza,
Chasidishe Shaigitz.

Technical Support for Husband & Wife 1.0

Installing Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

_____________________________________________

Installing Wife 1.0

To: Technical Support

Dear Sir,
Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. I am further noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. I’m finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
1. "Don't remind me again" button
2. Minimize button
3. An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
Confused.

--------------------------------------------------------

To: Confused

Dear Sir,
This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. In truth Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed! You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Worries Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

All in all Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.

Note: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,

Tech Support



***********************

I’m so BUSY these days, I don’t have time for ANYTHING… am I the only one that finds that statement oxymoronic?

Busy me passed the smicha test Saturday night (along with my chavrusah Dovid. Half Rabbi now, two more tests to go) went skiing Sunday with some friends, had a awesome time, except perhaps for that one time when my glasses and goggles fogged up as I was in middle of racing downhill through some major moguls… man, y’all should have seen me fly, such fun :)

Driving to Toronto tomorrow (err today) with The G for shabbos, looking forward to a relaxed shabbos away from home.

Oysh I need a real vacation. Beginning Hilchos Ta’aruvos on Monday, such fun :)

Shabbat Shalom,
CS.

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

*****************

Been real busy lately, cramming for a smicha test this coming motzey shabbos, (hopefully after that blogging will return to normal.)
Wish me luck.

CS.

Humorous Japanese Inventions
Hey, I can use one of those.

Ah, just right. Chopsticks not included.

Subway sleeper #1

For the extremely lazy or overly exhausted

Wha?

Baby mop :o Mothers are going to love this one.

Hehe ;) I'm going to hold myself back, captions are welcome.

**********************

Learn Chinese in under 10 minutes

Chinese Phrase Translations

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

The Chinese Baby Joke

A Chinese couple named Wong have a new baby.

The doctor brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the doctor to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says.........."Well, two Wong's don't make a white! So I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

Time Flies.

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.

If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

You know, sometimes, when they say you're ahead of your time, it's just a polite way of saying you have a real bad sense of timing.

“Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it you can never get it back.”

“It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

“Opportunity always looks bigger going than coming.”

“The door to opportunity is always labeled 'push'.”

We cannot waste time. We can only waste ourselves.

"Carpe Diem" Seize the day.

If women ruled the world... Funny or Scary :p

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. G-d comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women."

With that said and done, the next time G-d looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

G-d got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


If women actually did rule the world.
1. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
2. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
3. All toilet seats would be nailed down.
4. Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
5. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.



6. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS (Psychotic Mood Shift) simulator.
7. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket.
8. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
9. A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
10. Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 30 pounds.



11. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
12. Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry" "I love you" "You're beautiful" and "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit"
13. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
14. Men would sit around and wonder what WOMEN are thinking.
15. Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.



After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

Chocolate & doughnuts would have no calories.



Parallel parking would become obsolete.

There would be a special unit at the hospital emergency room for broken fingernails.

A bad hair day would be a legitimate reason to take off work.

All scales would be programmed to automatically deduct 15 pounds when a female checks her weight and add 20 pounds when a man checks his.



Instead of “playing games” and saving lives, all superheroes would be doing more important things, like staying home doing the dishes and cleaning the house.

“Sure he might wear the pants in the family, but SHE picks the size and color” ;)



It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his
students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."


Click HERE for some cool Worth1000 "if women ruled the world" photo galleries, enjoy.

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Even telemarketers begin to hang up on you.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

The moths in your money belt starve to death.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

Your wife starts charging you rent.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.

The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.

Your children's school calls to surrender.

It takes you three hours to make minute rice.

You're so bored you play hide & seek alone.

People give you the senior citizen discount and you're only 37.

Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.

Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.

Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

You call your wife and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

… You accidentally hit the BACK button on your browser, forcing you to re-do a post you just spent ten minutes putting together.