Q. What does the dentist of the year get?
A. A little plaque ;)

Ever notice how dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer when working on you, it’s like you can be sitting there with your mouth super numb and loaded with dental equipment and only then will the dentist ask “So, what are up to these days?”

It’s even harder when you’re swapping humor with the doc and you have to hold back from laughing unless you want a pierced tongue. Yeah my dentist is cool, not that I particularly enjoy dentists but hey, “Ignore your teeth and they’ll go away” right, plus just the though of a Root-Canal freaks me out =:o

Here’s a good one I heard today, one of my dentists patient’s once asked him “Hey Doc, do I have to make sure to brush and use dental floss on ALL my teeth?” to which he replied “Nah, not all of them, only the ones you plan on keeping"

Oh and one I heard from my 7 Y/O brother, which is probably only funny when said by a 7 year old
Q. At what time do you go to the dentist?
A. Tooth hurty!

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: Well I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Oh and not to forget this classic

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
“That’s a ridiculous amount, ” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well, ” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60. But I got to warn you, its going to hurt!”
“Oh please, pain is nothing, but that’s still too expensive, ” the man says.
“Okay, ” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.”
“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”
“Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it as well instead of me, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

Or along the same lines

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey."

May your worries be like grandmas teeth, few and far apart!

Found another prayer to add my my prayer list, click here if you missed the last prayer post

Dear Lord,

Help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if you need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta…

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -Look, a bird- ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
Amen

Feeling old'ish :)

Sometimes I feel old, and then sometimes I feel older.

I found most of these, but here and there I just had to add in some of my own lines. Enjoy.

Signs that you might be getting old.

You call your best friend to go out at night, and he is already sleeping, yet its only 2 in the morning!
You go to 711 and walk right past the slurpie’s and beer to get yourself some coffee
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your parents don’t command you anymore, they advise you.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.
You don't know what time the neighborhood late night food joint closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You take naps, involuntarily!
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t, what the hell happened?"

Signs that you are might be getting “older”

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your glasses are so thick, their bulletproof.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sit in the rocking chair and can't get it going, or, you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You get pulled over for driving to slow.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
A good movie is one that keeps you awake, at least for the first hour.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You’re smiling all the time because you can't hear a darn thing people are saying.
You’re very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You know what the word equity means.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You got cable for the weather channel.
Your broad mind and narrow waist have exchanged places
You can go bowling without drinking.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

So what makes you feel old?

*********** ZzzzzZZzzzzz*********

Cant fall asleep, had to get up to add these.

My favorite growing up sign:

You’re out with the family and your dad begins to do the usual (fatherly) goofy shtick, and instead of getting all uncomfortable and embarrassed like the younger kids, you smile and join your dad in the fun. Luv ya pops ;)

And this one's for my grandmother, you know your getting "older" when:

You know so much about everyone that even the CIA comes to you for information – G-d bless you bubby :)

Inspirational

I believe in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live there needs to be a message of hope. Just a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace and joy. An image that suggests the universal brotherhood of man. I have found that image, and I ask that all of you take a moment to be inspired by it.



***************************************

Lessons of Life - The Farmers Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

Now -------- Enough of that Crap
The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

*************************************

Hope you all have a phenomenal and inspiring shabbos.

Shabbat Shalom.

CS.

Warning: This post contains warning labels

Warning this, Caution that, what the heck is up with all the warning labels these days?! I mean, I understand that there are plenty of insane people out there who try to sue anybody for anything, but c’mon, sometimes its just plain pathetic (and entirely hilarious) with what people try to get away with.

For example here’s one that I never understood, every time I have some cereal and milk (dinner,) aside for reading all that “important” educational info on the back of the box, there is one piece of information that always catches my eye, printed on the front of the box right over the picture of whatever cereal it may be, is this notice: “ENLARGED TO SHOW TEXTURE” !!! Now what can possibly be the reason for that notice? I can only imagine some idiot judge granting some shmuck a couple million dollars due to emotional distress and anxiety attacks ever since he opened his favorite box of cereal and realized that the cereal in the box wasn’t as large as it appeared on the cover of the box, what a letdown!


It seems almost impossible these days to go out and buy something that doesn’t have a warning/caution or a FYI sign on it! Just to prove my point here are some actual warning labels a friend emailed me. (Thanks Y.E.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Hmm... something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

And I’m sure you have all heard this one before,

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

Or,

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

Oy what a world we live in!



Truth be told however, there are some warnings that can come to your advantage at times, my favorite would be this one, (for any children out there, read this and you will be thanking me forever) Ever read the label on the back of any dishwashing, floor cleaning, or clothing detergent, read it and you will usually find this common notice “Keep out of reach of children” Now if only I had seen that one when I was a child! Imagine, no more washing dishes, no mopping the floor, o more cleaning the table or countertopand, and forget about doing laundry! Not like I always did those things anyhow, but hey, it always pays to have an excuse ;) Oh and I finally figured out why allot of people (children?) wont use Deodorant, after all it does have the same warning, keep out of reach of children!

Warning: This post is getting to long.

Ok, OK, I’m just about done here, but just to finish off here are some warning labels I’d love to see.

On caffeine and sugar products:
Warning to parents, providing too much of this substance to your children can be harmful to YOUR health!

Here might be the solution to obesity. “fat labels”. Food companies should be obligated to put warning labels on any yummy foods such as doughnuts, potato chips, nosh etc, declaring in big red letters. Warning: excessive consumption of this food without exercise or diet WILL lead to weight gain! Hey lets face it simply writing down how many grams of fat there are or whatever other percentages they put down is the same as giving instructions to a deaf guy, in Morse code… (what the Beep ;

I'll save the alcohol warning for another time.

Found this site and had some fun, just for you guys. Enjoy.



If you see a warning label but it isn’t in English does it still apply to you?

Good Morning/Night/Day/Chodesh to Y'all.

CS.

If men were in charge of the house cleaning

"A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."
~ Conan O'Brien

The Perfect Couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...




















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...





















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a freaking car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Four awesome news articles you may have missed.

1. Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign

This first story had me thinking NY driver all the way. Yet oddly enough it happened in Atlanta, Sheesh and I always thought NY driver were bad.

September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."


2. Man Sues Coffee Shop for Ice Mocha Mishap

Sometimes I really wonder what this country is coming to…

August 26, 2002 - Michigan, USA
After spilling an iced coffee beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic experience" that has negatively altered his life in many ways. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature of a drink that has the word 'ice' in its name has much more important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm, there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used to."


Man Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5 Years

Talk about motivation!

July 29, 2002 - Florida, USA
In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, a Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years. "At first I thought the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout so I wouldn't waste the money - but that didn't work. Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn't promote me to go, losing my life would. The hit man idea has worked like a charm, maybe even too good. There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go, like that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I've never had so much dark green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs, my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I can't because I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up."


Man Gives Up On Women

My personal favorite :)

April 10, 2003 - Atlanta, USA
Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares that he has given up the life long struggle to figure out what women really want. This came after a recently published report estimating American corporations had spent over $1 billion dollars in 2001 to determine what want women want from their products and marketing, and had largely failed. "If combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and truckloads of money can't figure these women out, how on earth is the typical blue collar man with $28,000 after tax dollars a year supposed to?" said Mr. Ross during an interview with Atlanta news reporters. "It may be that these women themselves have no idea what they are looking for or what will win them over. Many admit to having the exact same qualities in one man be endearing, while in another, off-putting." Mr. Ross's web site has generated over 32,000 letters of support from other men in its guest book since his announcement earlier in the day.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

So busy these days, but I've got my priorities straight and therefore I always try not to let my daily life interfere with my blogging ;) Was thinking that in a CS kind of world I would eliminate either one of the days from the week or one of the months of the year just so that I can add more hours to a day, and that way we can divide the day into daytime, nighttime, and chilling "do whatever the heck you want" time!

Think about it, having a official time each day where doing nothing is what you are meant to be doing, just sit back and relax. Hey I can dream if I want too ;)

****************************

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give
him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car
still does!"

Just so you all know, whoever made up the solution of scaring someone to get rid of their hiccups is full of crap, I should know, I tried it on my sister last night!

Was sitting with the family in the kitchen last night and my sis had a serious case of the hiccups, so me being the great bro that I am, snuck up behind her, grabbed her arms and yelled Boo!!! I scared her good and it worked... for like 10 seconds, then she got over the shock and started hiccuping again but not only that, now she was a hiccuping girl who wanted to strangle her dear brother :( Good thing she's got a sense of humor, and I managed to get her to smile again, from 30 feet away.

***********************************

The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Should guys go out of their way on a date to open the (car) door for the girl? what do you guys think, play the shidduch game and on with the show or is it really cheesy and its better to just act natural...?

So tired, havent been able to write up anything for a while already, busy studying by day (Smicha test next week) and working by night at the JCM (Jewish Childrens Museum) building for the chanukah play (Maccabees.)

Tired, need sleep.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

L’chaim!!!

Not only is alcohol healthy, “A drink a day keeps the doctor away” right, (the problem with me is that I barely even touched alcohol until the age of 17, so the way I see it I have a lot of catching up to do :) And of course lets not forget the amazing medicinal affects of alcohol, let me tell you Tylenol or Advil never cured any of my body pains, but a couple of l’chaims works magic…

Here are two geniuses, who did some research and came up with some amazing results, I love these guys, I hope they win a Nobel Peace Prize for this important discovery ;)

People Who Drink Make More Money

This is the stunning finding from respected academics who really did get paid to come up with this: People who drink alcohol earn higher salaries than those who never imbibe. Those respected researchers, who go by the names Edward Stringham and Bethany Peters, conducted this high brow investigation at San Jose State University. They determined that drinking booze helps people build relationships and network professionally, which in turn makes them more valuable employees. And that increases their paychecks. "Social drinking builds social capital," Stringham told Agence France Presse.

Specifically, the researchers determined that social drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than teetotalers. "Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks," he explained to AFP.

So how in the world did they reach this conclusion, sure to be embraced during happy hour by bars nationwide? "We created our hypothesis through casual observation and examination of scholarly accounts," the authors wrote in the Journal of Labor Research. "Drinkers typically tend to be more social than abstainers." An empirical survey backed up the theory. Stringham and Peters insist that those who drink alcohol have a larger group of social contacts that can provide better job and business opportunities. "Drinkers may be able to socialize more with clients and co-workers, giving drinkers an advantage in important relationships," the researchers wrote. "Drinking may also provide individuals with opportunities to learn people, business and social skills."

They actually go so far as to say these conclusions argue against regulations that restrict drinking on university campuses and in public venues, claiming such policies not only make for less fun, but also lower earnings.

One important point: The authors acknowledge that their study contradicts similar research conducted in 2000 by the Harvard School of Public Health. This latest research was funded by the libertarian think tank, the Reason Foundation.

Now this gives a whole new meaning to saying "l’chaim to success"



GOOD SAMARITAN

A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.

Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.

After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."

The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...Where's his wheelchair?"

TOO MANY BARS

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door.
He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?".

Some people not only expect opportunity to knock, they expect it to beat down the door.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest

Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I had this thought pop into my head the other day, "If someone were to die laughing, would that be considered a happy ending?" weird thought no? Anyhow that got me started so I looked through a few lists of questions to ponder and let me tell you there is much to think about ;)

*If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

*Is there another word for synonym? Also what's another word for thesaurus? And why is abbreviation such a long word?

* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

*What do they use to ship styrofoam or bubble wrap?

* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

*If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a "practice?"

* When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

*If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

*Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

*If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

*If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant
to be thrown away?

* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

* What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

* If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

* If a man falls in the forest, does a tree hear it?

*Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

* Why do you park on the driveway, but drive on the parkway?

* Does a mother hen tell her chicks bugs taste like chicken?

Gut Shabbos

Just in case ANYONE hasnt heard this one before.

Shabbos Miracle

Three Chassidim are each talking about who has the greatest Rebbe:
The first one says: "Our Rebbe is so great, we were walking home from shul on Shabbos and it was very hot. We said, "Rebbe, it is so hot what can we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was heat. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was heat. And in the area around the Rebbe it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.

The second one says: "That's nothing! We were walking home from shul one Shabbos and it started to rain really hard. And we said, "Rebbe, we're going to get sick what should we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was rain. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was rain. But in the area around the Rebbe, there was no rain, and they all walked home.

The third said, "Is that all?? We were walking home from shul on Shabbos, and we spotted a large bag filled with gold coins that was lying in the street. And we said, "Rebbe, so much money, we could do so much work for the Chassidim, what should we do??" And the Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was Shabbos.....

I found this one kinda funny.

The Poor Cow

One Shabbos afternoon Hershel Ostropolier stood at the window in the rabbi's study looking outside. "Rabbi," he suddenly asked, 'if one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath -must one save her or let her drown?"

"Of course you can't save her! It's not allowed! What are you looking at anyway?"

"Nothing! A cow fell into the lake."

"'What can one do?" sighed the rabbi. "The Torah forbids it!".

"Just look!” cried Hershel, "Ai-ai-ai! Now the water is going over her head ! It's a pity on the poor dumb animal! "

"What can one do?"

"So you say, Rabbi, nothing can be done for her?"

"What concern is it of yours anyway?"

"Now I can no longer see the poor cow . . . she's gone under . . . drowned! A pity-a great pity !"

"What's the matter with you, Hershel! Why are you lamenting so?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oy what a pity, Rabbi! So sorry for you! "

"What! Why, in God's name?"

"Ehh, well rabbi, you see, It's your cow! "

And I just loved this joke, always remember to be considerate to others in shul ;)

A man started to snore in his seat a synagogue. "Please stop your snoring," the shammas pleaded. "You are disturbing the others in the synagogue."

"Look, nudnick," the man said angrily, "I paid my annual dues and I'll do whatever I want."

"Yes, sir," replied the shammas. "But you are keeping everybody else awake."

That’s it for now; I hope everyone has a phenomenal shabbos!

Shabbat Shalom. CS.

I must have heard these 2 jokes over a million times, (without exaggeration ;) yet each time I read em it brings a smile to my face. Enjoy.

The Optimist

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a coffee and a chat.

They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist."

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you looking so worried?"

Moishe replies, "Nu? You think it's easy being an optimist?"

The Troubled Boys

In a certain Orthodox neighborhood, there were two brothers, Yaakov, 8 and Yisroel 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.

Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the rabbi to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure!"

The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the rabbi while the father kept Yisroel at home.

The rabbi sat the Yaakov down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at Yaakov and asked, "Where is Hashem?"

Yaakov said nothing.

Again, in a louder tone, the rabbi pointed at Yaakov and asked, "Where is Hashem?"

Again Yaakov said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost in Yaakov's nose, and asked, "Where is Hashem?"

Yaakov panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble!"

Yiosroel asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

Yaakov replied, "Hashem is missing... and they think we did it."

SIGN LANGUAGE

Some of my favorite humorous signs

Sign in an office window: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Sign on a Plumber’s truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day

Pizza shop: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push"

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels

Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs

Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people

Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here

Honest store sign: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin" Be "Bach" in a "Minuet"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte"

In the window of a appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

On a long-established dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait :)