Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to his head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, "It was bad enough," they complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord it over them,' was just too much to bear." Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.

As soon as the act was done the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible sin. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as weeks become months his mental depression took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the King and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."

The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again," he said.

The Jew felt so elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"



Note to fellow bloggers: One highly overlooked chometz zone is “internet cookies” so be sure to remember to delete all cookies before pesach, and of course don’t forget to change your internet settings (which you could switch under View/Internet Options/Advanced in IE 4.0) to "Disable all cookie use" or "Prompt before accepting cookies". ;)

Happy pesach cleaning and good shabbos to you all. CS.

Another one bites the dust.

This one goes out to my dear friend Shayke P. upon his engagement.
May all the blessings come true and may your future be filled with much happiness, mazal and hatzlacha.



“Woman inspires us men to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.”

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.”



Marital Advice - Take It!
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
“My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”
The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”
“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.
The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”


“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”


Your Husband, Yaakov's Needs Rest!
Sarah accompanied her husband Yaakov to the doctor's office. After Yaakov's checkup, the doctor called Sarah into his office alone.

He said, "Yaakov is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly be sure to love your husband as much as possible and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Yaakov will regain his health completely.

On the way home, Yaakov asked Sarah. "What did the doctor say?"

Sarah replied, "You're going to die".

“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.”




10 Things Jewish Men Know About Women
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;)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Oh whatever, lets just say that old'ish feeling is kicking in again, might have something to do with all my friends getting engaged... (Which brings to mind one of my favorite jokes: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.)

A big lol to my cousin who handled it all so well at his sisters L'chaim, whenever someone came over to him to wish him a l'chaim he would raise his cup and say "ok mister let me just go ahead and paraphrase your l'chaim/blessing for you, "Imy'h by me" and thank you very much ;)

Anyhow this site is almost guaranteed to make ALMOST anyone feel young again (in a humorous way of course ;) here are some of my favorites. Enjoy.



"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something... then wonder what I'm here after."

"Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..."

"My mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely."


"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"

Too old to care... Too senile to remember.

There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.



My teeth are my own. I have the receipt.

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like."

"I'm smiling all the time. Because I can't hear a word you are saying."


Forget health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get!


Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Old age comes at a bad time.

Retired. Now I can do what I want. As long as it's near a bathroom.


I loved this story...
The Tooth Fairy: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


And of course

Seniors singles ads

Long-Term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, Yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Mint Condition: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together

The feeling: it starts in the pit of your stomach, that little feeling which you chose to ignore and hope it will fade away over time, and little by little it seems to disappear. Then after a while you feel it again only now it has grown in intensity, you feel empty, you feel the void, but you push it away again, pushing it out of your mind and thus making yourself numb to the feeling, you tell yourself it doesn’t matter and force yourself not to care about it.

Then it hits you…

This time the feeling will not go away, no matter how much effort you put into, no matter how much you try to ignore it, the hollow feeling is there to stay, beating away in your stomach like a drum, the void, the emptiness, driving you to the verge of insanity.

The search: Like a madman you begin your search, running through the night like an insane lunatic, eyes frantic, hands shaking, and stomach drumming away, like a man possessed, nothing is out of reach to you now. Searching high and low, searching for something, anything, to dispel the feeling, to take away that nagging pain which just won’t seem to go away, in desperation you begin to open doors which you haven’t opened in ages, you search through every nook and cranny, every hole and every space…

But alas, the search produces no results, and so with a shudder and a grumble you give in to your fate and prepare yourself for a sleepless night…








For anyone who hasn't figured it out yet,


It's the 4 in the morning munchies and there isn’t a darn thing to eat!

Some good old jewish humor, some are good, some are old, either way enjoy :)

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother-in-law?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked or cleaned.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' "Force yourself," she replied.

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow"

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never
forget what she forgave."

CHUTZPA according to the Funk & Wagnall's Standard Desk Dictionary – US slang meaning: brazen, effrontery, nerve, impudence, having gall, cheeky. The word is Hebrew in origin.

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian.

Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".

Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I have never managed anybody but myself bu what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me"? So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent management diplomas to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself - "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself - "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! - have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room.

He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language!

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: " Baruch ata Adonaï ".

The other candidate answers: "Elohénou melech haolam".

There is still no cure for the common birthday.

Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday'"
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

Ach its almost purim, how can I not post :)


The WORLD Famous STORY OF PURIM

The story of Purim is an international tale.

King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. "You Congo now!" he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king's messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.

"I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!" Haman scolded Mordechai. "USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep this up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey! "

Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes-a custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary. Esther approached the king and asked, 'Kenya Belize come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?" At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.

The king asked, "Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you."
Esther replied, "Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people."

Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene. "Oman!" Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai - Egypt me! "

Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands. And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well. "You lost your enemies and Uganda friend," the king smiled.

And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. God decided to China light on His chosen people.

So now, let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just be happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!!!

Oh and here'sanother one I came acroos that I liked.

Top Ten Reasons for Celebrating Purim

1. Making noise in shul is a MITZVAH!!
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites
3. Nobody knows if you're having a bad hair day. You can tell them
It’s your costume
4. Purim is easier to spell than Chanukah, I mean Hanukah, I mean,
KHanukah, I mean Chanuka, I mean the Festival of Lights.
5. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and
dishes.
6. You don't have to build a hut and live and eat outside (but you could volunteer to build a new Purim booth for next year's Carnival)
7. You get to drink wine and drink wine and drink wine and you don't
even have to stand for Kiddush (I guess you can't!)
8. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav
9. You can't eat hamantaschen on Yom Kippur
10. Mordecai - 1 ; Haman - 0 !!!!

Oh yes and a little something I made up me-self.

10 Signs you’ve been drinking a bit too much on purim…

1. The women dressed up in that hideous “vashti” costume turns out to be your mother-in-law, and it aint no costume.

2. You’ve become well acquainted with the toilet bowl.

3. “Nopes officerrr, I am intRoxicated, and I promise you dish akshident was 100% not my fault! I’m telling you, dat tree came speeding at me from outa nowhere!

4. You begin to find it very difficult to pronounce words such as “Hamantschen” and “Achashveros”

5. You find yourself sobbing uncontrollably and you’re singing the song of shoshanas yakov to yom kippur tunes.

6. You give mishloach mannos to the poor, tzedakah to your friends, and you’re reading the hagadah!

7. You believe your birthday suit makes a fine purim costume.

8. You’ve miraculously transformed into an amazing dancer, your voice is incredible, and you assume that everyone is laughing WITH you.

9. Feeling left out being that you’re the only without a costume you decide to A. shave your head B. bleach your hair C. pierce your nose.

And last but not least and yes this one comes from a true story (not my story thank G-d) 10. Your friend finds you in a bewildered non-Jewish neighbors house who you’ve just woken up (and is practically naked) cuz you happen to be singing purim songs on the top of your lungs in his bathroom… and you’re pissing in the bathtub!

A joyous purimm to you all, and remember to drink until ya don’t know the diffrence between a chasidsh guy and a shagitz! ;)

CS.