Saturday, December 30, 2006

Because normal is boring


Despite my best efforts at being inconspicuous, I was tagged by M00KIE to write up a meme of 6 weird things about myself. Oysh so many “weirdnesses” I don’t know where to start, which is a good thing though cuz the way I see it if you cannot find 6 weird things about yourself you are most definitely weird ;)

1. I refuse to eat any fish except tuna and the occasional salmon, I haven’t eaten gefilteh fish since I was around 10 years old (long story for another post) I’ve never even tasted white fish or carp, and herring really grosses me out. My mom still bugs me about it every shabbos “CS how is it that a grown boy like you wont eat gefilteh fish, I’m telling you, when you get married, your wife and mother-in-law are going to think your nuts”

2. I smoke yet I can’t stand the smell of smoke on my clothing and hands, I almost never smoke without gum or mint to go along with it. I don’t buy my own smokes, instead I (sometimes ;) buy cigarettes for my friends and bum off them when I want, I cant understand how in the world do people smoke on fast days, and unlike most smokers I never liked that first motzei shabbos cigarette. I never chain smoke although someone once dared/bet me to smoke 3 quarters of a pack (15 Cigarettes) in a row lighting one from the other with only 1 cup of water to drink, I puked after the 13th one but still won the bet. The weirdest thing about my smoking habit is that I (almost) never smoke during the day, only at night.

3. I hate Vodka! (I haven’t had a plain shot of vodka in years, which is something unheard of for a chabad guy) I drink single malt scotch (and beer ;) only, I can only sip alcohol and always with a chaser, drinking a lot in one gulp will only make me throw up, and for that same reason I can never get totally wasted cuz after a certain amount my body just wont take anymore.

4. Every day, or at least every other day I have this ritual of going into the nosh store and buying the same exact thing each time, 1 pack of spearmint gum (60 cents) and 8 mint candies (5 cents each) which cost exactly 1 dollar. No lines (I have it all figured out, being that it’s only (exactly) one dollar I never wait on line, instead I just walk to the front, plop the dollar on the counter and walk right out) No change.

5. I love the smell of colognes. I frequently spray up my room with cologne, or spray myself before going outside (even if it’s just for a walk,) and sometimes I even spray cologne over my bed before going to sleep.

6. I’m an (night) insomniac :) ba’h

Bonus weirdness

Why is it that I only think of all the great lines and comebacks 10 minutes AFTER the conversation is already over, then I drive myself nuts cuz I didn’t think of it sooner and think to myself if only I had said this or that instead, Arghhh.

“Eccentric - A fancy word for a crazy rich person”

Your Quirk Factor: 27%

You have a few little quirks, but you generally blend in well with society.
Only those who know you well know how weird you can be.
Hmmm 27% Thanks for the link M00KIE, perhaps I'm not that weird after all :o

I Tag
The G, The OTHER Roomy, Chaya, Dovid, Sabra, Bezerkyl (lets see if I can finally get you to post again.)

Gut Vuch to y'all :)

Friday, December 29, 2006

Shabbat Shalom :)

One Friday morning, a letter dropped through Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper. On it was written just one word: "SCHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his shabbos sermon, Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across people who have written to me but forgot to sign the letter. This week, however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write the letter."

A Gabbai approaches a guest in the synagogue one shabbos and says, "I want to give you Aliyah. What’s your name?"
The man answers, "Rifka bat Jacov."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."
The man says, "I told you, it’s Rifka bat Jacov."
The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your name?"
The man replies, "I've recently been in some serious financial difficulties and so everything is now in my wife's name."

A man crosses Bedford Ave in Williamsburg, ON SHABBOS, when he sees a pack of money. With a rubber band around it...HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!

He places his foot on top of it, and stands there. After a few minutes, traffic is building up, and people are honking..YELLING "GET OUT OF THE STREETS". He points to the money under his foot, and the motorists yell "PICK IT UP", and he replies" I can't...It's SHABBOS!"

Well in about an HOUR the traffic is BACKED UP TO ATLANTIC AVENUE (MILES) and a cop comes up to the man and says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?".

The man tilts his foot over and shows the policeman the PACK OF MONEY.

The cop says "PICK IT UP". The man says "I can't ...It's Shabbos...I can't".

The policeman had enought at this point and whacks the man over his head.... As the man falls over , He scoops up the money, puts it in his pocket, and walks away.

The cops yells "HOW COME YOU PICKED UP THE MONEY, I THOUGHT YOU ARENT ALLOWED TO DO SO?"

The mans calls back "Well, when you hit me, I saw stars".......

A Guten Shabbos to you all,
CS.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Women Drivers =:o

Chasidishe Shaigitz said...
G: Ha! Dude, remember that car accident on your driveway (and house ;) Crazy women driver!

The G said...
It wasn't the driveway, it was the lawn.

I sent you a coupla pics.

front
Rear

Caption anyone?

Thanks G.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota .

Saturday, December 23, 2006


A Hassidic Jew in a big shtreimel (traditional fur hat) is stopped at customs by an agent at JFK airport and asked: "Taliban?"
"No!" the man replies immediately. "Teitelbaum."

In Philadelphia the following sign was in the window of a business:
"We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew."

Ordinarily this might be cause to get the anti-Hate groups involved but perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors, Goldstein's Funeral Home, simply make their statement.

Shavuah tov,
CS.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

BUT SERIOUSLY: The Absolutely True Story of Hanukka

(December 20) It's not for no reason that we do all these weird things during the holiday, like eat potato latakias.

"Judah! Come forth husband, at once!" He's probably gambling with the guys, the wife muttered, or hatching some ridiculous plot to change the world.

Both of which he was.

She found him behind the stable. A great warrior, as any Jew knows, is no match for an ireful wife. "Get thee to the stores now, you lout, and fetch me provisions, or we'll be eating raw potatoes. You hear me?!"

"Yes, Goldius. Game over, boys," he grunted. "Gotta go shopping." None of his pals mocked him, because he was, after all, Judah the Maccabee.

She gave him a shopping list, and a few coins together with a warning glare. "And take the kids. It's only one day into the school break and already they're bored." Why they can't teach during the eight days of winter solstice she'll never understand.

"C'mon kids," he called out, "let's go for a ride in the chariot!"

"Don' wanna."

"Whoever comes gets a jelly donut!"

They piled in, and immediately began arguing over who sits in the front.

"Godspeed," Goldius shouted after them.

At the supermarketium, Judah bumped into Mattathias. The children were off in the cereals section, measuring out grains. The two men exchanged pleasantries. "And what news?" Judah asked of the revered priest.

Mattathias sighed bitterly. "It's the Syrians. I'm afraid we'll never find peace with them. Their influence is penetrating far beyond the Golan, right into the Holy Land. Judaism is in grave danger!"

Huh. Religious leaders. Don't they always forebode the end of days? You never hear a priest say: "Judaism is worry-free these days." Y'know why? Because if everything is A-1, who needs to pray?

Strolling past the combatware department, Mattathias took a whetstone off the shelf and placed it in Judah's cart. "To sharpen your sword," he said ominously.

The cashier totaled up the purchases. "That'll be 12 ancient shekels, please," she said.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I'll take a sufganium for each of the kids."

The young 'uns came running. "Daddy, we're so bored at home. Can you buy us a toy?"

"A toy?"

"Well, one for each of us. One for each of us for each day of the school holiday. Please?"

"Whoa there! That's about 100 toys! Tell you what: one each. Maybe by some miracle the toys will last for eight days. Here's some gelt, go to the Toys'r'ius, but hurry, Momma's waiting for the victuals."

They ran off. "Ai, kids these days," Mattathias sighed.

IT WAS NOT a happy woman unpacking the groceries. "This is the WRONG wheat, and there's bugs in the semolina, and in the name of Jochanan you forgot the oil!"

"They were out."

"Out of oil?! Whoever heard such a thing? Go to the makoletium at once and fetch three, no, a dozen cruses."

"No, they were out because there isn't any. Oil shortage everywhere, they said, something about an Arab oil embargo I think."

"Well, that's just fine," Goldius thundered, as if to blame him. "And what do you suppose I'm going to fry your potato pancakes in, vinegar?!"

"I dunno, you can cut 'em up and boil them with beets."

She verily exploded. "Borscht!"

"Woman, watch your tongue!" He went on to explain that he had met the priest at the super, and just imagine how he took the news: "What, they're going to rededicate the Temple with just leftover oil?" the priest had cried. "Judaism is in grave danger! Only a miracle can save us!"

"Men!" Goldius sneered. "Like the saying goes, 'They who can't, pray.' Get real! Miracles are for big things; squashing beans and olives is not something God does. You tell the priest, they want a solution, they should put the Temple Sisterhood in charge. That would be a miracle!"

Maybe, Judah thought, he should lead an uprising against the Hellenists. He'd be safer on the battlefield.

He slipped away, figuring to take a nap before supper. He found his children playing quietly. This had never happened before. "What toy did you buy?" he asked.

"A dirndl."

"A dreidl, dumdum. Dad, it's the newest thing. All the kids have them. Y'see, you spin it, and you wait, and then it falls on its side."

Little Eliezer was tugging at Judah's toga. "Daddy, did you see what I made in school? Look. See? It's a candelabrum."

Judah chuckled. "It's lovely. But why does it have nine arms, instead of seven?"

"Cuz I can only count to five, and then everything is extra."

Judah had just plopped down on the bed when there was a sharp knock on the door. Mattathias came in, and he looked worried, even for a priest.

"There was an altar-" he said, catching his breath, "-cation."

"An altercation?"

"At the altar. I struck a secular Jew."

"It shall pass."

"I killed him."

"But you're a priest!"

"And then a whole bunch of Syrian soldiers were killed."

"Oy. Wait til Antiochus finds out."

"I'm leaving Modi'in and fleeing for the hills. All loyal and courageous Jews are joining me; we're going into hiding in Judea, we're going to form legions; whatever armies Antiochus sends, we're going to fight them to the death. Judah! You must join us, and lead our brave campaign to defend God's Torah!"

Judah didn't exactly leap at the suggestion. "Look, I love a good skirmish, but I was just about to take a nap. Let me sleep on it, OK?"

The priest gave him a dirty look. "Forget it. We're only looking for the loyal and courageous."

"As I see it, this doesn't seem to be my problem. You got into this mess without my help, now you want to start a war and get us all killed? Why don't you, I dunno, pray or something, and wait for a miracle?"

At that moment, Goldius hollered to shake the rafters: "HUSBAND! TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, AND I MEAN NOW!!"

"Give me a minute to pack," he said to the priest.

AS EVERYONE knows, any time in history Jews get together to fight, they win, or at least they make their point, probably because we're consistently the good guys.

Thus the Maccabees, who were probably not much more than a minyan in number, defeated the 40,000 soldiers led by Nicanor and Gorgiash (it is for this reason you never see Jews named "Nicanor" or "Gorgiash." Though among Reform Jews, it wouldn't be surprising.)

With the victory, the Jews suggested a wild celebration, but the priests, who were well versed in Jewish tradition, suggested they pray and fast and weep and beat their breasts instead, and then hie immediately to the Temple for more of the same, because that's the way we are.

Judah pointed out to his pals that the priests hadn't specifically proscribed gambling, and he knew better than to ask. And so, on the way to liberating Jerusalem from the godless hordes, Judah popped home for a minute to get the gaming dice.

"You SOLD my dice?!" he brayed at Goldius.

"Well, after all these months and years, we didn't know if you were coming back. You didn't call, you didn't write, how am I supposed to know?"

"What am I going to tell the guys?!"

"Daddy, you can have our dreidl instead, we're tired of it anyway."

Warriors always look to silly symbols to mark their victories, and this little spinning top was just the thing. Smiling benevolently at his children, he vowed that every year on this date, "The dreidl shall be spun, money lost or won. And for 2,166 years at least, the Jewish people will remember this day by eating Daddy's favorite food, fried potato cakes, which we shall name for a city of the defeated Syrians --"

"Aleppo?"

"No, Latakia."

"-And one day a year," Goldius butted in, "the brave, Jewish warrior husband will take the goddam garbage out."

Judah gaped. "This wouldn't be the selfsame detritus as from before the wars?"

Which it was.

Judah was more than ready to go, to win back Jerusalem. He dropped the dreidl into his traveling pouch, and a few other items the high priest asked for. But Goldius was not about to let him take the family candelabrum.

"It was a gift from my Uncle Julius!" she reminded him.

Judah rolled his eyes. "But woman, it is needed for the Temple, to replace the golden menora stolen by the Syrians. The Temple!"

Goldius said he could take the one little Eliezer had made in school. "It's very nice, you said so yourself."

"The one with the nine branches? But they'll laugh at me."

Which they did.

But never mind. Jerusalem was won, the Temple rededicated, and God, for some unearthly reason, intervened to ensure the dregs of oil persisted for eight days, which inspired someone from the crowd to shout "Happy Hanukka!" the whyfor of which no one understood.

"Y'know," said one of the guys as he flipped an ancient shekel into the ante out behind the Temple, "the priests are saying it was all a miracle." He spun the dreidl. "I'm bruised all over, my legs are killing me, my sword is just about ruined from all the Syrian bones I crunched, and now they're saying 'Thank God we won.' If that's the thanks we get, frankly, we could have stayed home."

"Another week, and the Maccabees'll be totally forgotten."

"You're wrong. Some day they'll be naming beers after us, and basketball teams. Mark my words."

"Never mind. It's your turn. Spin."

AND THAT'S the way it was. And that's the way it is until today.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Happy Chanukah


Thanks Lakevent for the pic.

Hoy Hoy Hoy

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt
While dreaming of latkes and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantelpiece away was tickin'
And Bubbe was serving a shtickale chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubbe was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy devouring the potato latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyishe hoise,
But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much gesshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
"Avade, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, some chrain mit a schtickale fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
He gave a gesshray as he drove out of sight:
"Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."


As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."
"To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."

The High-Tech Dreidel

In a world of 3-D video games and surfing the Internet, kids may look skeptically at dreidels - no color graphics, no electronic sounds and no batteries needed. How could a toy like that possibly be fun?

Even thought the dreidel has been played with by children for thousands of years, kids today may find this simple little top a bit "low-tech" for their liking. For those modern day kids who think playing the dreidel game is soooo bo-ring, here's a new spin on the way we look at this favorite Chanukah toy.

THE OFFICIAL DREIDEL OPERATORS MANUAL

You are now the proud owner of a high-quality, state of the art "Dreidel" which can make you a winner! A multi-faceted, interactive educational and entertainment micro-system, the versatile Dreidel utilizes maximum kinetic transfer technology, putting years of wondrous experience at your fingertips.

Rapidly rotating on its axis, the Dreidel is driven by centrifugal forces that defy gravitational pull. The Dreidel operates efficiently on renewable energy sources at high, medium and low speeds. Velocity and RPM levels are adjusted by the flick of a finger. Perfectly balanced and precision engineered, the Dreidel is virtually maintenance free. It has no moving parts, and no batteries or upgrades are required.

TO USE: Hold joystick-like handle in upright position, using thumb and forefinger to accelerate. Best when operated on smooth surfaces with low coefficient of friction. Device may appear stationary, but sound indicates Dreidel is in use.

After completing its spinning mode, the Dreidel reaches its turning point and begins to gyrate, displaying various conic sections as it decelerates. Dreidel will then shut down automatically. Quick turnaround time allows Dreidel to be used repeatedly. Follow instruction code indicated above and restart.

(from "Chabad News & Views," published by the Chabad Center of Passaic County, NJ)

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Chanumas?

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah AKA Chanumas, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Chanumas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

Merry Chanukah to you all,
CS.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006



Thanks M :)

SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BLOOPERS

These announcements were found in synagogue newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped.

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.

Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of
Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his
private study.

The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community
center. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large
double door at the side entrance.

Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are
preparing for the girth of their first child.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new
carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the
carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising
campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."

***************

At Sunday Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Err--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Seriously speaking (Humor Pause)

CS Philosophy.

Life.

This thought recently popped into my head while walking home from a friend’s apartment “Life is like NY city weather, some days are dark & cloudy, and at times we might even get lost in a bitter storm, but we all look forward to the next clear sunny day”

Life is full of struggles, some are avoidable and others just happen no matter what, Happiness is always a good thing yet sometimes happiness is delayed, no, better yet, sometimes happiness must be delayed, for if not for sadness would we truly know what joy is all about.

At some point in our lives ALL of us reach a fork in the road, a time to be serious, there are choices to be made, pick your medicine, chose your path, chose the right path “Relax driver, G-D is my pilot” I love that bumper sticker, but what about the co-pilot? Better be prepared and ready when the “pilot” hands you the controls.

Unfortunately sometimes the fork is substituted with a knife; those are the painful and sad moments in our life, when joy isn’t an option…

But we all look forward to the next sunny day, we all must look ahead, passed the fork in the road, beyond those times of storms and blinding pain, look ahead to the future when the road will once again be straight and painless, ahead of the stepping stones, when life’s journey will be smooth once more, clear & bright, sunny and full of joy.

*****************

Baruch Dayan Emes.

To my dear friend,

Taken from here

"May the Almighty comfort you amongst the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

What exactly is the consolation in those words? How is comparing the loss of a loved one to the destruction of Jerusalem by the Romans two thousand years ago supposed to make one feel any better?

There are several parallels between the fall of Jerusalem and the passing of a soul. By contemplating these, the mourners can find a profound message of hope.

- You're not alone. Although the destruction of Jerusalem would have directly affected those who lived there the most, nevertheless it was a national tragedy. All Jews, including those who lived far from Jerusalem, were deeply pained at the loss of their holy city. It gave strength and courage to the Jerusalemites to know that the entire people was feeling their pain. So too, although it is the family that is mourning for their loss, the entire Jewish people share in their sorrow at the passing of one of our own. This is comfort in knowing that your sorrow is being shared by your people.

(My dear friend, although it is most probably impossible for me to feel the pain you are experiencing at this moment, know this, I am with you, your pain is my pain, I share your sorrow and feel sad and upset having to see you deal with such a tragedy, I feel you, I know it is tuff as there is no real medication for this kind of pain, only time will heal, but know as well that I will do my best to be with you, as I know you will be there for me, through sad unfortunate times l'o, and G-D willing throughout brighter and better times in life.)

- They're still with us. While the Romans were able to destroy the buildings of Jerusalem, its spirit and inner holiness were beyond their reach. No enemy can destroy the soul of Jerusalem, and even today it remains the Holy City. So too, death can only take away the physical persona, but the soul lives on. Even after their passing, our loved ones are with us in spirit. They strengthen us when we face challenges, and they smile with us when we celebrate. While we can no longer see them, we can sense their presence. This is comfort in knowing that we are never really apart.

- It isn't forever. After two millennia we still mourn for the loss of Jerusalem, but the Jewish people have never lost hope that Jerusalem will one day be rebuilt. In a similar way, we mourn the loss of our loved ones, but we have faith that we will one day be reunited with them, for our prophets have promised that the dead will come back to life in the Messianic era. This is comfort in knowing that the separation, as painful as it is, is only temporary.

None of this denies the pain and sorrow of death. But it may take the edge off that pain to know that, like Jerusalem, the soul has eternal powers that even death can't conquer. Your mother was the pillar and backbone of your family. She will always be there when you need her.

Friday, December 08, 2006


“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked”

Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry shmuck who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally did something right.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy rear end.

"Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth"

To all my friends, have a awesome, extraordinary, and incredible Shabbos :)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Smile, its free therapy :)

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

Start playing song before reading this post.



"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles."

Here is a rant of mine that I saved on my computer from a few days ago which set off this post.

Why are people so depressed? Geez you would think that the world is ending for some, why do they refuse to smile, why do they look all solemn and serious when others are (enjoying life) smiling, is it that they don’t know what life is all about? Sure life isn’t easy but being all depressed and upset aint gonna help the situation.

Granted some people have what to be serious about, at times, people go through hardships and struggles, situations which cannot be laughed off, but others live their daily life that way, all serious and downcast! What is wrong with these people I just can’t understand it! What, do you think you’re so special that only your life is worth crying about? Trust me you haven’t seen nothing yet, everyone has their problems in life, if you only you were to take a walk in others peoples shoes… maybe then you would begin to appreciate you life, smile for G-d sake, life sucks… when your bitter.

"A smile is the curve that sets all things straight"

What I mean to say is...

Don’t depress over the past, it is already behind you. Don’t worry about the future; it will always be one step ahead of you. Rather live in the present, treat each moment as a gift, smile :) enjoy it, and use it out for the best.

There is almost nothing worse then people who get depressed over past things, people who dwell over the past and drive themselves mad with regret. OK so regret might be a good thing at times, its always good to learn from our mistakes (if we cant learn from others mistakes) but it seems that for most regret will only lead towards depression, so the way I see it, learn and mature from the past, don’t regret.

The only thing worse then that is people who are always worrying about the future, things which haven’t even happened yet, and either won’t be happening for a while, or even things which probably will never even happen at all, sure its always good to plan ahead, but don’t let it destroy the present! As the saying goes “Don't worry, after all, worrying never solved anything”

Why cant people just enjoy the moment, if only we would all appreciate what we have, take a second and count your blessings… Trust me, G-d’s gifts are endless.

Smile, it’s for free!

Everyone smiles in the same language - If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine - A laugh is a smile that bursts - If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow - Smiling is my favorite exercise - Wear a smile - one size fits all - If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile - A smile confuses an approaching frown - Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.

Smile, thats what this blog is all about.

CS. :)

Sunday, December 03, 2006


Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”


When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Friday, December 01, 2006

• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

• All I need is some peace and quiet. If I got a piece I'd be quiet!

• All stressed out and no one to choke.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• Everyone makes mistakes, that why pencil have erasers.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• Hire teenagers while they still know everything!

• Honesty pays, but not enough.

• I'll do anything for money, except work.

• If all else fails.. lower your standards.

• If at first you do NOT succeed...
A. Try not to look astonished.
B. Aim lower.
C. Destroy all evidence that you tried.
D. Then skydiving is not for you.

• My job is secure. No one else wants it!

• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!

• It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere!

• Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

• When all else fails, manipulate the data!

• Where there's a whip, there's a way.

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Happiness is good health and a bad memory :)

Shabbat Shalom, a joyous shabbos to you all.

CS.