????????????????????? CS ????????????????????????????

Mazal Tov’s to Benny H. and to Nutty S. upon their engagements, and to G! Looking forward to your wedding dude ;) (For anyone who might still be looking for a way to get there, there are still seats available on the bus… call me or G for info)

This post is dedicated to you guys.


A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You lazy putz! You waltz in here, flop your fat tush down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oy gevald, it's started."


Wife: “If only once you spent Sunday with me instead of playing golf, I swear I would drop down dead!”
Husband: “There you go trying to bribe me again”


Young man: “I’ve come to ask if I can have your daughter’s hand in marriage.”
Father: “Have you seen her mother?”
Young Man: “Yes, but I’d still prefer you daughter.”

First man: “I’m married to a very clever woman. She can talk for hours on any subject”
Second man: “Mine talks all day and night and doesn’t need a subject?”



And to keep it fair...



Shiksa: Where can I find a man that's sweet and sensitive, a loving husband and a caring father?
Shagitz: Did you try reading through the obituaries?

CShiksa: hey where's a good place to hang out and meet guys that arent too sleeezy?
CS: ummmm, the mikvah? :p

A girl tells her father that her boyfriend has asked to marry her.
“Has he got any money?” The father asks.
“You men are all the same,” said the girl. “He asked the same question about you.”

Q: What do you call a man who has lost all his intelligence?”
A: Divorced/Widowed

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


During a quarrel with his parents a teenager cries; “I want excitement, adventure, money and beautiful women. I’ll never find them here so I’m leaving home. Don’t try and stop me” with that he heads for the door. His father gets up and follows him. “Didn’t you hear what I said dad?” cries the boy “I don’t want you to try and stop me” “Who’s trying to stop you?” replies the father. “I want to come with you”


Mazal Tov again to you guys, I'm so happy for all of you. May your marriages be filled with success, peace and happiness, and may we all share many more joyous occasions together.

CS.

P.S. Best wishes to Dovid W. Hope all is well.

This could save your life...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping ram which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant ram and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much!!!


Angry wife: “Why did you come home half drunk last night”
Husband: “Because I ran out of money”

Sure I'm a morning person, 1am 2am even 5am and I'll be up no problem… 6am is getting kind of late.

C: So will I see you at 7:30am?
S: What!? Why in the world would I be up so late?

Insomnia... what a nightmare ;)

You know you’ve got a sleep disorder when you stay up all night thinking of what a shame it is you go to sleep so late and you begin thinking of ways to go to sleep earlier.

Here’s a list I compiled of some of my favorite Chinese sayings, if you don’t understand them at first then read ‘em again, and if you still don’t get them, well then good for you :p

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him.

Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.

Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.

Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who love and loses, have not right lawyer.

When man 80 marry girl 25, like buying book for someone else to read.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.

Television never replace old reliable key hole.

Laziest man in world who marry widow with six children.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Man who sit on tack get point!

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.

Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress.

Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.

Women take to good hearted men. Also from.

Man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face.

Man who crosses ocean twice without washing, is a dirty double crosser.

He who have last laugh, not get joke.

Credit to Harry. Thanks a lot dude, due to you and a few others, aside for the regular stream of regular mail and junk mail, I now receive what I like to call Blog mail. Sorry I can’t post it all, but I always enjoy reading it :)

Things to ponder:

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number

13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

Argh! It’s freaking COLD outside! Yup folk’s it seems winter is (finally?) here. And you know what, screw all the global warming critics, ‘cuz even if the darn ice is melting and the world is going to flood in the year two thousand whatever, well that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make! For Gawd’s sake I’d much rather die surfing then die of Hypothermia!

The only cool thing about the cold is that we all get to dress like Eskimos and bank robbers and nobody cares what you look like. Still searching my house for last years Ski cap, meanwhile I’m walking around with those dorky earmuffs, or as someone just explained to me the “cool” term for them "180’s", listen buddy call ‘em what you want, they still remind me of 80 year old men with big “furry” ears.

Thank you lord for making me a man as I just the though of wearing a skirt in this weather (not like I ever actually thought about it!) makes my “legs” go cold, and I know I promise myself each year that I’m going to go shopping for thermal underwear AKA “Gatkess” but in the meantime my PJ’s are finally being put to use ;)


Here’s a little list of things I’ve noticed as sure signs that it is cold outside.

You know its cold outside when…

Even the snowmen are wearing winter coats

Their serving shots of Anti-Freeze at the bar (anyone know if you can drink that stuff? I think I might try it)

You are wearing more layers then a layer cake (Seven layer anyone?)

You clean the dishes just so that you can warm up your hands (even my mom has a baffled look on her face)

After coming indoors you put your hands over a fire, and they begin to melt away (I’ll always remember as kids we would take a break after one snowball fight to come indoors and jam all our (usually soaking wet and freezing) gloves on and into the steam to warm up for the next fight)

Your running nose freezes before it begins to drip (!)

Instead of using ice cubes you stir your drink with your fingers

Someone flicks your ear, and it snaps off (probably the most painful thing you can do to somebody after a walk in the cold, aside for maybe stumping on his toe)

The back porch replaces your freezer

You want to go visit your friends, but the walk TO YOUR CAR is too far (yes I have heard this excuse used before)

At your friends wedding the only ones outside for the chupah is the choson and kallah, plus some of the immediate family and any other unfortunate people who are required to be there (while everyone else watches from inside) (true story that I heard, if I remember correctly this happened in Montreal)

You “pass gas” just to feel warm (Just an idea)

(One for the guys) taking a leak outside is NOT an option ;)

Women stop shaving!? (Scary (Yet true,) and no, don’t ask me how I came up with this one)

You have to wait to defrost before taking a shower (pins and needles anyone?)

It’s too cold to snow and instead whole clouds of ice are falling from the sky (something which I’ve always wondered about)

You know its cold when you see a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets! (For my dear lawyer pal Harry and to my other dear buddy who is working on his LSAT’s, good luck dude)

Best winter advice ever: No matter what they may tell you, DO NOT eat the yellow snow!

I know this one is kinda old, but for those who haven’t heard it yet, enjoy.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, is the coming winter going to be cold?'

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “It's going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” The Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!”

P.S. In case anyone is alarmed or just wondering at the disappearance of my chavrusah’s blog www.gonzonic.com please be aware that Dovid is unfortunately suffering from a rare case of "BlogOhPause", the severity of this case has yet to be determined.

LMAO! Credit to CF. Thanks for the laugh :)

Urgent!! New Seat Belt Law

The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below.......
This is very Important; please pass on to friends and family.THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!Not loading right for some reason. Click on pic.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

*********************

Found this next one saved on my computer from a while back, can't remember where I got it from, so this thanks goes to my readers (awwww) "we are all so speYcial in our own special way" CS.

Because I am a guy.

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "soy" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

(Warning to all males: I have recently tried using that last paragraph jokingly as an excuse when my mom asked me to help out with pre-shabbos cleaning... trust me, it won’t work!)

Credit goes to "you know who you are" for sending me this one :p

Gates vs GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

This next one is the best!

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!