Shapiro's son, Greg, walked up to his father's rabbi during the break between the Musaf and Mincha services on Yom Kippur.

"Rabbi Pollak, you must help me...I know that we're supposed to fast this day, but I am so thirsty--I must be allowed to have something to drink!"

Rabbi Pollak quietly, but firmly responded, "I am sorry, but it must be pekuach nefesh (life-threatening) before the fast may be broken."

"But, you don't understand," whined young Shapiro, "if I don't get something soon, I am going to faint from thirst." Shapiro had continued on for some time when the rabbi finally relented and instructed the Gabbai to give Greg a shot-glass of water.

Young Shapiro quickly downed the liquid, whereupon he gasped, "That's the last time I have salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur."

Food for the Fast
Rabbi to parishioner: "Yes I understand that McDonalds calls it "fast food"...but you STILL can't eat it on Yom Kippur!"

Day of Atonement Blog Prayer

For the sin which we have committed
by commenting/posting too often,
And for the sin which we have committed
by not commenting/posting at all when we have something valuable to say;

For the sin which we have committed
by commenting angrily in haste,
And for the sin which we have committed
by posting private e-mail’s in a public blog;

For the sin which we have committed
by misinterpreting others' words,
And for the sin which we have committed
by not expressing ourselves clearly;

For the sin which we have committed
by being sarcastic to other blog members,
And for the sin which we have committed
by not being tolerant of their positions;

For the sin which we have committed
by not explaining technical terms,
And for the sin which we have committed
by assuming others know as much as we do;

For the sin which we have committed
by writing long and pointless posts,
And for the sin which we have committed
by posting short and confusing ones;

For the sin which we have committed
by quoting others' posts in their entirety,
And for the sin which we have committed
by not providing context to our replies;

For any of these above mentioned sins, and whether it may be for only posting once a month or 30 times a day, for blog plagiarism or for not giving credit at all when doing so, for blogging inappropriate material, knowingly and unknowingly…

For all of these, Oh Forgiving One,
Forgive Us, Pardon Us, and Grant Us Atonement, and bless us with a long and healthy Blog life.

NOTE: I would like to take this opportunity to ask for forgiveness from all my fellow bloggers if I have ever spoken, posted or commented wrong about any of you, or I if have ever upset or disrespected anyone, please forgive me. Chadishe Shaigitz.

Humility

One Yom Kippur, in a little shul, the rabbi stops in the middle of the musaf service, prostrates himself beside the bimah, and cries out, “O God. Before You, I am nothing!”

The chazen is so moved by this demonstration of piety that he immediately follows suit, throwing himself to the floor beside the rabbi and crying, 'O God! Before you, I am nothing!”

In the ensuing silence, a shuffling is heard in the back row. Saul Blumenthal jumps from his seat, prostrates himself in the isle and cries, “O God! Before You, I am nothing!”

Seeing this, the chazen nudges the rabbi and whispers, “So look who thinks he’s nothing?”

Yizkor Baby

A man comes into the shul to ask the rebbe for help. His wife is in labor and it is taking a long time for the baby to come out and he doesn't know what to do. As it happens, the rebbe is not there that day but his young 10 year old son is sitting next to place where the rebbe usually sits. After hearing the man's problem, the rebbe's son tells the man to go home and say Yizkor and then everything will be alright. Sure enough, the man goes home and davens Yizkor and then his wife gives birth shortly afterwards.

The next day he goes back to the shul and thanks the rebbe profusely for his son's help.

After the man leaves, the rebbe turns to his son and tells him, "Shmerrill, I'm very impressed that you knew what to tell this man to do so his wife would give birth. But tell me, why did you tell him to say Yizkor?"

The son replies, "Because before we daven Yizkor you always say 'All Children must go out now!'"

Wishing all my fellow bloggers a G’mar Chasima Tova, an easy and “fast” fast, and may your prayers be heard like the rumbling in your stomachs :)

Breaking news! Live from BBC:

BBC is calling this a horrific tragedy, genocide of our times, with news pouring in regarding gruesome tortures and mass murders, shocking images and terrible stories are coming out, and BBC is placing the full blame on the Jews… BBC’s Osama Bin Laden is reporting live;

“Oh the monstrosities and the horrors which are taking place right now, words cannot describe this massacre, why, at this very moment in all Jewish neighborhoods around the world those cutthroat and bloodthirsty Jews are on a rampage, killing and spilling innocent blood! Oh it’s just so terrible, all those innocent lives being lost! This is it people, another clear example of how evil and heartless the Jews are, why just look at them now and see what they are capable of, mass murders happening right in front of our eyes, see I told you all along, it’s the Jews, they are the evil ones”

We also have with us a eye witness, Leroy Jr. from Brooklyn “Yo the shizzle is insane up here, I happened to be cruising along, smoking a joint and minding my own business, when I came across this massive crowd of angry Jews, they all had those crazy wild looks in their eyes and they were attacking and torturing those poor innocent victims, it was really gruesome, why I even tried stopping them but there were like 4 bearded rabbis who seemed to be leading the crowd and they were armed with these mad big bloody knives even bigger then the one that I was carrying, and after playing around with the victims until the were dazed and confused those murderous Jews would pass those semi conscious bodies over to those maniac rabbis and let them finish the job with their blades! There were headless corpses lying all over the ground and the smell of death was overpowering, man that scared me bad, praise the lord I was able to get away fast, with one of ‘dem Jews bikes”

World leaders are clucking their tongues in outrage over these atrocities and the UN has called for an emergency meeting to determine how to respond to this horrific display of Jewish brutality, France, Russia and germany have already called for a all out war against the Jews, while Iran and all other middle eastern countries are preparing for battle figuring that the jews are coming for them next.

The CIA and MI6 and other secret service organizations around the world are working round the cluck to gather all information possible regarding these latest events, some info was leaked to us from a anonymous source inside the pentagon and this is what he was able to tell us “Well right now this matter is top priority, our intelligence agencies are working full force and we have hundreds of undercover agents infiltrating into these rioting Jewish masses, unfortunately we have not been able to gather much intel as of yet, but I will tell you this, we have confirmed that the Jews have code named this genocide operation “KAPOROS” and right now they are strictly targeting their assault on victims that are to CHICKEN to fight back”

Here at BBC we will be keeping a close eye on this massacre and will use every chance we can to criticize and condemn the Jewish nation, so please stay tuned for the latest Hebrew bashing coming up soon.


Chicken horror movie.

Revenge of the chickens, peck HERE.

Chicken talk.

A crazy chicken is called A cuckoo cluck, and the rooster that wakes you in the morning is called a alarm cluck, it’s a good thing G-d never created a chicken with its feathers pointing the wrong way otherwise it would probably be tickled to death, you know the chickens are confused when they start laying scrambled eggs, and if you ever see one looking for its eggs then it most probably mislaid them, unlike us humans a chickens worst day of the week is Fry-day, if you like Chinese food then you should know that if a chicken ever laid a egg on to of a barn you’d have yourself a egg-roll, and if you like music then see what happens when you come across a chicken and a guitar- I hear it makes music when you pluck it, you know you’re a chicken lover when you drive a Coupe, if chickens grew on a tree then it would probably be called a Poul-Tree, and if it were to fall off the tree then you know it ran out of cluck, a disappointed hen is what you get when the chick grows up not exactly the way he was cracked up to be… The chicken crossed the playground to get to the other slide, the chicken crossed the Net to get to the other Site, and yes the chicken crossed the road simply to get to the other side! Oy these chicken/eggs jokes are cracking me up and if I were a chicken then I’d definitely be a Comedi-HEN, and to my mother who told me countless times chicken soup is good for you… Well I wonder what the chicken has to say about that!

For all “chicken little” fans

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


Something tell's me this guy doesn't plan on doing kaparos with chickens this year.

Dare me.

KAPAROS; Wednesday Sept. 27 2pm - 10pm - 824 Eastern Pkwy...

Sat night: 10pm - 6 am

824 Eastern Pkwy

Sorry a day late, what about thursday? Do I still get a free chicken?

I knew something was wrong as soon as I said hi to her, she seemed to be acting funny (as usual), not exactly ignoring me, yet I got the vibe that she wasn’t happy, no, not just unhappy, she was upset, extremely upset about something… which set my mind wondering, what was it? What had I missed? And then it hit me smack in the face.

Oh my G-d! I’m so sorry dear! How could I have forgotten, how could I possible have missed it, I should have known better, I should have remembered! I know, I know, there are no excuses for what I have done, it was so careless and selfish of me, yes I know, your right, me, always thinking about myself and never thinking about US, really dear, you have no idea how much you mean to me, you are everything to me, you know I can never leave you, why it would be almost impossible to live without you! You have been there wherever and whenever I needed you, through good times and bad, you have shared many smiles with me and cheered me when I was down, always reassuring and full of great advice, you were always there, no matter if it was day or night, so much more then just a best friend, you are a part of my life, forever engrained in my mind and heart, and never to be forgotten, why at times you mean the world to me, Oh how did it come to this, I’m forever sorry, how in the world did I forget… OUR BLOGiVERSARY!!!

I promise dear blogspot, it won’t ever happen again,.

Yours truly,
Chasidishe Shaigitz.

Happy blogiversary!

A special heartfelt thank you to all my readers, (commentors and viewers,) for being a part of my blog, I wouldn’t be here without you guys, thank you all so much! You guys mean the (blog) world to me :)

*****************

A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, “What did you do for your 25th?”

He said, “I took my wife to Hawaii.”

The friend then asked, “What are you thinking about for your 50th?”
He said, “Well I was thinking of bringing her back.”

Rosh Hashanah Recap:

Sorry all, long post, to tired to edit or shorten, and yet so much more to write.

Ok so to start of this recap I'll rewind to two days before Rosh Hashanah (Wednesday night) where I happened to bump into my uncle who is a rabbi in a chabad house 2 hours drive from the city.

Uncle: “Hey listen CS, Its two days to Rosh Hashanah and I still don’t have a chazzan for my shul, can you be a chazzan? Or perhaps know of someone capable of being one?

“Umm I don’t know, I did a bit of chazzanos once in a small shul on Yom Kippur but it was barely a minyan, and I didn’t even have to know the nosach, so I don’t know about being your official cantor, but I’ll look around and see if I can find someone… And maybe if you really cant find anybody and REALLY need someone I’ll THINK about doing it…”

Toward the end of the wedding I bumped into my uncle again, this time he was even more desperate, especially after I told him I had asked around at the wedding but to no avail “CS Listen, I really need someone quick, please tell me you will do it!

I ended up telling him that I’ll really think about it and I gave him my cell number as he was leaving the wedding… two hours later I get a phone call from my uncle “Ok here’s the deal… you’re the chazzan! I spoke to a few people and they told me you have a nice voice, and so please, please tell me you will do it, I don’t care that you don’t know the tunes, buy yourself one of those Nosach CD’s and I’m sure you’ll do great” And so on that Wednesday night I became "Chasidishe Shaigitz the Cantor".

Erev Rosh Hashanah:

As mentioned the chabad house was a two hour drive, and so being that my uncles 19 Y/O son who lives in the city was going home for RH, we made up that I would catch a ride with him.

So Thursday night I called him and he told me that he should be done working by 2pm which leaves us 4 ½ hours to drive to my uncle’s place and plenty of time to spare, being that candle lighting time was at 6:35pm.

2pm Friday: I called my cousin as planned and he told me there was no way he was going to be done working until at least 3 and so I should call back in an hour. (Ok no problem we still have plenty of time)

3pm: I call my cousin again and he is still at work in Manhattan! But he assures me that he will be leaving within the next few minutes and so he should be picking me up HOPEFULLY within the hour. (So 3 ½ hours till Rosh Hashanah begins, and we still haven’t begun our two hour drive, me getting slightly nervous)

3:30: My cousin calls me and tells me he just got back from work and is beginning to pack, I remind him that it would be nice if we could leave sometime soon as I have no interest in spending Rosh Hashanah on the highway. (3 hours until RH begins)

4pm: My cousin calls me back to tell me that he is waiting outside my house, and so I quickly kiss my mom and whichever siblings are blocking my way to the doorway, wish them all a happy and healthy year and rush out to the car, dump all my stuff in the back… and then my cousin tells me we have to pick up one other guy, and then he also has to make one “quick” stop to pick up something from another friend before we leave. (Ok keep calm now CS, the drive is only two hours, which means we’ve got a whole half hour to spare)

4:30: After picking up the other guy my cousin drives to his apartment expecting to meet his friend to pick up whatever it was he needed, only his friend was nowhere around, after a few calls it turns out his friend was a 5 minute drive from the apartment and really busy with something, so we drove down to meet his friend to make the pickup.

4:40: we are finally on our way, a two hours drive with a bit under two hours until RH begins, so pessimistic me started freaking out a bit, until my cousin assured me that he’s done this drive plenty of times before and it never takes him more 1 ½ hours…

5:30: Stuck in traffic!!! My cousin swears that he has never seen traffic on that particular highway before (yeh right) and starts driving like a mad New Yorker after a few drinks, now I’m officially freaking out, all the while his father (my uncle the rabbi) is calling us nervously to find out where the heck are we!? We stopped answering our cell phones after the second time he called. Still over an hour drive away and only one hour until Shkiah!)

6:00: The traffic clears up a bit and we start speeding down the highway as if we were in a NASCAR race, (don’t know if I should mention the fact that I really had to piss and we so we had to make a piss stop on the shoulder of the highway;) by now we are all freaking out with only half an hour left, candle lighting was at around 6:35 (plus 18 minutes thank G-d )which left us with just over 40 minutes , and yet we were still on the highway speeding like a getaway car.

6:35 candle lighting time: we finally make it in to town, now we have to drive to the hotel were we will be staying at and where the services will be held, 18 minutes to go, and I’m sitting in the back of the car unbuttoning my shirt and untying my shoes so that I can rush into the shower as soon as we get there.

5 Minutes later: we pull up in front of the hotel were we all tumble out of the car and my uncle is waiting and tells me the minyan is waiting for us… Ha! I nearly run him over as I rush into my hotel room (dont even ask about the check-in) and take the quickest shower of my life, 5 minutes later I’m downstairs in my suit and all, hair dripping wet and ready to start the services.

Friday night: maariv services went great! I knew all the tunes, and my voice didn’t crack even once (ok except maybe at the last kaddish, but hey who’s listening by then) my uncle complimented me on my chazzanos, and I thanked him warned him to hold the compliment until ALL the prayer were done. The meal was great that night, my uncle said a nice dvar torah, and I konked out as soon as my head hit the pillow that night…

OK, this post is getting to long, so let me just finish of with two things.

I had made up with my uncle that I was only going to be chazzan for either shacharis or musaf, I would do one of them and either he or his son would do the other, however I ended up doing shachris and Musaf together BOTH days! (Not by choice of course, as my throat was beginning to bother me after completing shachris each day) I guess that means that I didn’t do that bad considering the fact that I did not know the nosach that well, still whatever I knew I did well, and managed to keep the crowd entertained with songs, and reading as fast as I can when we got to the simple reading parts, my uncle thanked me when I was done (and again by the meal) andthen again before I left and told me I better make sure to come back for Yom Kippur. Woohooo.

Dvar Torah: The first day after prayers we had around 40 to 50 people sitting around for the meal and after my uncle finished giving his little dvar torah he asked of everyone to introduce themselves and share a little word with everyone… and so one by one we went around the tables most people simply stated their name and wished everyone a good year while other went on to speak about Rosh Hashanah etc.

I happened to be one of the last (2nd to be exact) and right before my went one of my uncles daughters who started of great but ended up boring everyone cuz she schlepped on to long (until my uncle was finally able to cut her of politely with a little cough signal) he then turned to be and asked me to introduce myself and say something but I figured everyone was dead bored of speeches, so I stood up and tried something different, here’s my speech:
“Hi my name is Bob, and I’m a recovering alcoholic… The rabbi here invited me over for the HIGH Holiday services, and so I figured that meant we would all be sitting around drinking and getting high together… Bummer!”

Thank G-d the crowd caught on and they all broke out laughing, so I went on

“Alright so I’m not bob. My name is Chasidishe Shaigitz and I’m here from Brooklyn to help out my uncle, (Blah, Blah, Blah,) its so nice to get to meet all of you and to see everyone sitting together on this special day, thank you all for having me (blah, blah, blah, make crowd feel good) Now I don’t know if you guys want to be tormented anymore with long speeches, so if you all will allow me I’d like to share a short yet serious story with you about Rosh Hashanah.

It was Rosh hashana morning and all the congregants had gathered in synagogue to participate in this holy day, when all of a sudden as they were beginning the services a murderous anti-Semite broke his way into the synagogue armed with a gun and threatened to kill everyone, “but” he told them being that he was overtaken by the holiness that he felt resting among them, he decided he will grant them each one wish before he would kill them!

He first approached the rabbi and asked him what his one wish was to which the rabbi replied “Please sir, I have worked so hard for weeks preparing a special sermon to give over on this holiday, why its almost 3 hours long, that’s how hard I worked on it, and so I beg of you, please, let me deliver this last sermon to my congregation before you kill me” “Fine” said the murderer after thinking it over for a minutes, go sit in the back and I’ll allow you your wish soon.

Next on line is the cantor “So what is your last request?” “well” says the cantor “ I to have worked hard these past weeks preparing today’s prayers, why I have worked up many long melodious tunes for today, and so my wish is that you allow me to lead today’s prayers with all my masterful chazzanos pieces” “fine” says the murderer again, “go sit in the back next to the rabbi and wait your turn”

Now the Anti-Semite turns to one of the congregants and asks him what his last wish might be, “Oh please”, he begs “Just kill me now!”

Not to worry though, I did give my real dvar torah on the second day, you see I’m not such a shaigitz after all

Shavua Tov and Gmar Chasima Tova to you all! Oh and of course, have a easy and fast, fast day!

The High Holy-Daze

This is it guys, my last post of the year, I’m heading out sometime friday to my uncles chabad house to help out and be the chazzan for rosh hashana (and yum kippur) I’m a bit edgy cuz I never really did chazanos on rosh hashana before and I don’t know the nosach that great, so that means I’ll be sitting and listening to some chazanos tapes for the next two days, Oy help me G-d…

To all my fellow bloggers and viewers, may you be blessed with a happy, healthy and wealthy year; everything should go right for you, with lots of hatzlacha, and many great achievements. To all singles (especially my good friends) may you find your bashert within this coming year, and may there be lots of alcohol by your weddings! In short, may this year be a joyful, blogwothy year, with no depressing posts for anyone!

Ksiva Vachasima Tova, L’shana Tova build a sukka.

They say whatever you do on Rosh Hashanah is a segulah for the rest of the year; Note to CS: The high holidays has nothing to do with getting high. Remind self not to take any power naps and to stay far, far away from alcohol, unlike last Rosh Hashanah...! Hey we all know how that turned out.



My favorite HH Jokes

One Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it along with small light bulbs lit up near each name for the high holidays.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Adam."

"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Rabbi Resnick, what is this?" Adam asked.

"Well, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur services?"

**********

Murray, a deeply religious man, went to temple one Sabbath and forgot his Tallit, so he borrowed one from "the rack" at the temple. At the end of the service, he realized that he really liked this Tallit (so much that he actually decided to stuff it down the front of his trousers and take it home).

After the service when he was walking thru the reception line, the Rabbi stopped him and whispered, "Murray, I am sorry, but I saw you stuff a Tallit down your pants. Why would you do this?" Murray, totally embarrassed and ashamed, explained the situation, whereupon the Rabbi suggested he remove it from his trousers and give it back.

By now, the Tallit had managed to slide half-way down his leg. While Murray was bent over pulling it out of his pant leg, he accidentally let out a loud fart.

The Rabbi, exasperated, said, "Murray!... You took the Shofar, too?!?"

************

A Shana Tova Wish

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and
your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your
triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and
your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your
cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist,
your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist,
your plumber, and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere
during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get
there may you find a parking space.

May this Yom Tov find you seated around the dinner table,
together with your beloved family and cherished friends,
ushering in the Jewish New Year ahead.

May what you see in the mirror delight you and what others
see in you delight them.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until
you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget
balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to
your partner, your child, and your parent(s). You can say
it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your
photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your
hairdresser or your gym instructor, but not with a
"twinkle" in your eye.

May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the
awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's
unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful,
astonishing, miraculous part of ourselves.

Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace and
much love during the next year and all those that follow.

Happy New Year!
I wish you a happy, healthy and sweet New Year.

A wedding, 6 wiskey sours, and five beers later...

Party after the party, nightly chilling with the guys.

The Shack AKA The Outhouse

The beer man. Wedding...10 beers later... Me!


The 1, Back from vacation, notice the burn :)

Git-R-Done! :) G in another lifetime

Commenting...

Anon, Single and available.

To blog or not to blog

Holy cow, its light outside! Party's over, time to head on home and get some sleep, untill tomorrow night... Good morning and Hasta manyana!

Warning!

OMG! I came across this article yesterday and found it extremely disturbing, take your time and read it, and tell me what you think.

Shocking Things Girls Do to Barbie Dolls
If your daughter's Barbie doll has been scalped or beheaded--and you know her brothers are not to blame this time--do not be alarmed. It turns out that when girls outgrow their Barbie dolls, torturing them is commonplace.

That's the peculiar conclusion researchers at Great Britain's University of Bath reached after questioning approximately 100 children about their attitudes to a range of products as part of a study on branding. "The girls we spoke to see Barbie torture as a legitimate play activity and see the torture as a 'cool' activity," Agnes Nairn, one of the researchers, told The Associated Press. "The types of mutilation are varied and creative and range from removing the hair to decapitation, burning, breaking and even microwaving." Of all the products the researchers discussed with the kids, Barbie provoked the strongest reaction--and it was overwhelmingly negative with children reporting rejection, hatred and violence.

"The meaning of 'Barbie' went beyond an expressed antipathy; actual physical violence and torture towards the doll was repeatedly reported quite gleefully, across age, school and gender," Nairn explained to AP. Boys didn't have the same reaction to their action dolls; they felt nostalgia and affection instead. Nairn thinks renouncing Barbie is a rite of passage for many girls, who see the doll not as a treasured toy, but rather as an inanimate object. "The most readily expressed reason for rejecting Barbie was that she was babyish, and girls saw her as representing their younger childhood out of which they felt they had now grown," she told AP. "Whilst for an adult the delight the child felt in breaking, mutilating and torturing their dolls is deeply disturbing, from the child's point of view they were simply being imaginative in disposing of an excessive commodity in the same way as one might crush cans for recycling."

What was Mattel's response to the Barbie mutilation trend? A spokesperson for Mattel U.K. told AP that despite the findings of "this very small group of children, we know that there are millions of girls in the U.K. and across the world that love and enjoy playing with Barbie and will continue to do so in the future." No doubt that's true. Here's an astounding fact, according to Mattel: Three Barbie dolls are sold every second somewhere in the world. End article.

And girls say that guys are weird!!! Tell me guys have you ever heard of anything more insane then this? So ok, guys do similar things as well, I’m sure I’m not the only guy that owned little army men as a kid and blew off a couple of their arms or legs… But that was war! Heck I might even have torn apart my teddy bears as a kid but it was never an act of revenge, I never wanted to torture the poor thing I mean its as the article goes “. Boys didn't have the same reaction to their action dolls; they felt nostalgia and affection instead.” You hear that girls, write that down please, and remember this the next time you might want to make a “ignorant” comment about how uncaring guys are! And they say girls are the caring ones, sure, if you consider decapitating your Barbie doll friends an act of caring, then I was born into the wrong world…

Ok now here is what’s really scaring me about girls "The most readily expressed reason for rejecting Barbie was that she was babyish, and girls saw her as representing their younger childhood out of which they felt they had now grown,"

Long story short (if that’s possible at this point) imagine this…

A guy and a girl get married and they live happily together for 20 years and then C’v for some crazy reason the wife decides that is getting tired of their relationship, maybe she find it boring or maybe she feels like she has OUTGROWN it…

After reading the above article do I need to inform you guys what girls DO to things they have outgrow, and what the might be capable of? “Whilst for an adult the delight the child felt in breaking, mutilating and torturing their dolls is deeply disturbing, from the (girls) child's point of view they were simply being imaginative in disposing of an excessive commodity in the same way as one might crush cans for recycling." (Ok so she might be an adult now, but who is to guarantee that she is fully cured at this point from this madness)

So there it is fellas, don’t say I never warned you, if at some point in your marriage you notice your wife getting bored with you C”V and you see that crazy insane look in her eyes, well then thanks to me you know exactly what she is capable of doing at this point and my advice to you would be to drop whatever you are up too and make a run for the nearest exit and pray you make it out alive WITH YOUR HEAD STILL ON YOUR SHOULDERS!

For all single guys there is still hope! Please note:

"Despite the findings of this very small group of (female) children, we know that there are millions of girls in the U.K. and across the world that love and enjoy playing with Barbie and will continue to do so in the future."

Phew! thank G-d for that, good news guys, there are some normal ones out there, (note to self, this is no longer a reason to be worried about marriage) But still a word of caution from CS to all dating guys, make it a point that by the first or second time out, you ask your “aidel maidel” shidduch date this one specific question “So… what do YOU think of Barbie dolls?”

No comment.

“Oh so your CS, Ha that’s so funny, I read your blog all the time… Good stuff”

“Oh really? Cool, thanks, but if you always read it, then how come you never comment?”

“Oh I don’t know, I’m not really into commenting, I only read blogs but I never actually comment unless it applies to me and I have something to comment about…”



Here it is peoples, a post for all you guys who never have anything to comment about...

Just for you guys I wrote up a special post regarding something that applies specifically to y’all, this is the official "no comment" post, short and sweet with nothing not to comment about! So for all of you that have nothing to comment about, this is the perfect time to comment about it!

No excuses this time.


Oy why do I have the feeling that I’m not going to get any comment on this one, or maybe I’ll get a bunch of smart replies such as “no comment”

Shavua tov everyone! Just want to share some cute (blogworthy) family stories which came up by the shabbos table, enjoy.

My father happens to be into the stock market somewhat, more of an observer then investor these days, anyhow a couple of years back one of my younger brothers (who was quite young at that time) was having a conversation with my dad, my father was explaining to him about the market and about how a certain stock had recently crashed and all the investors had lost their pants “Oh no, that’s terrible!” exclaimed my brother, “Yep, Its sure is” agreed my dad, thinking that my brother was catching on, until my brother further exclaimed “if they all lost their pants, then how are they going to walk home?

Another time my father was driving in the car with one of my younger sisters and they happened to be driving under the Holland tunnel when my dad remarked “you know, right now we are driving under the ocean” My sister tuned wide eyed and asked my dad “you mean we are driving under water? To which my dad replies “Yes, we sure are” and then my sister turns back to back dad and curiously asks “But where are all the fish???

Let me tell you, G-d knew what he was doing by making little kids cute... (Try to imagine a little kid without the yummy cuteness… Nahhhh, better yet, DON’T!)

Favorite joke of the table, sorry it’s a blond joke.

Library; Silence please.

A Blond walks into a library, sees the librarian sitting behind the desk and exclaims “I’m looking for apples, DO YOU SELL APPLES HERE?

“Miss, this is a library...” replies the librarian

“Oh I’m so sorry says the blond, and this time she asks in a hushed voice “but do you sell apples?”

*****************

Thank you Renegade for bringing back some good old memories, Oh man, that picture is great and really worth a whole post on its own, yet I'm really not up to writing about it now (at 4:30am) maybe another time...

Shavua tov and K'siva vachasima tova to all!

10 Things I love about shabbos

1. Friday day power nap. (From 7am until 4pm ;)

2. Pre shabbos bowl of chicken soup and my moms AMAZING broccoli kugel.

3. Friday night walk to shul (and back)

4. 770 Shul Friday night, prayers to G-d and schmoozing with my friends (only after davening, of course :p

5. The shabbos night meal, the one day of the week the whole family gets to eat dinner together, always entertaining, and oh the beautiful singing…

6. My sister’s delicious vegetable salads and my moms yummy cooking.

7. After meal walk, visiting friends.

8. Usually managing to sleep a “bagel” Friday night no matter how late I go to sleep… that would sometimes mean being woken up by my father making Kiddush and me rushing off to shul quicker then a bolt of lightning.

9. “Ufrufs” throwing the candy bags at chosanim (being more carefull since that time I hit the poor choson directly in his face, ouch) and the Kiddush after davening

10. Cholent! Let me tell you, my moms Cholent is to die for!

That’s basically it, from then on its usually sleep until the end of shabbos (got to charge the system for motzei shabbos) Unless of course my chavrusa is in town and wants to learn (smicha)… which is something I am entirely convinced is prohibited on a shabbos day!

Good shabbos to all!

The Observant Jew
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."

"Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of reasons for Irving's behavior."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."

"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenwer is."

"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."

"She had one last week."

"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."

"She's home."

"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."

"He is a doctor."

"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."

"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."

"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"

"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie. It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."

"Wow, you're a really observant Jew! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie..."

"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"

Shabbat shalom.

Keyboard Life.

Kindly note: I’m not a computer genius and so my keyboard knowledge is limited, though I am painfully aware that for some reason my keyboard is missing a ANY key (yes I know, old joke) so feel free to key in any more keys. So Pun-E :p

Imagine, if life was like a Computer Keyboard…

Any time you accidentally do something or say something wrong, for example if anytime you might have said something really stupid in front of a lot of people or if you have ever spaced out while walking down a busy street and tripped and fell (not that it actually happened to me, these are just examples ;) you can either press Backspace which will allow you to step back a short period in time (depending on how many times you click it) and rectify the situation, or option B. Just highlight that certain period of time and Delete it, which will then cause that memory to disappear from your life and remain in a trash/recycle bin(hey we got to learn from our mistakes somehow) of course there is always the option of emptying the recycle bin and deleting it permanently from your memory, never to haunt you again.

For some special situations where things just get out of control the Escape key will be available for a quick getaway, and if you happen to be in such a mess that even the escape isn’t working hitting the Power button and shutting down the system is always an option (and it is highly recommended that you wait a little while before restarting…)

If however you happen to be in a situation where you are at a loss of action or words, for example, ever in class and your teacher “unexpectedly” calls on you for an answer, or for all married men, when your wife asks you one of the trick questions, well the solution would be to quickly hit the Pause key and take time to think over what the right move/answer would be, if you figure out the solution then go ahead and hit Resume, otherwise be prepared to hit Backspace or Delete



If you ever end up in a “Been there, done that” situation, or if your dear grandmother’s off switch is broken again and she is beginning to remind you of a broken radio, then the perfect solution for this case would be to click the Space bar and skip ahead as much as needed, the Tab key is also an option for skipping through whole paragraphs as fast as possible, hey think about it no more having to deal with that long line at the shopping center, just hit Tab and your already checked out!

Of course if you truly have been there and done that, then you can always Copy and Paste… get it right the first time and never have to worry about getting it right again.

One of my personal favorites in the Volume control, for me it would apply when waking up with a hangover and a splitting headache, ya know it seems like everyone is yelling for some reason, simply lower the volume and all is well, my second reason for really liking this one is so that I would finally be able to do something about that new guy sitting on my table in (770) Beis medrash who is in the habit of screaming across the table to his study partner, while I sit next to him with popping eardrums (and trying to outdo his yelling so My chavrusa can hear ME.) Volume up, volume down, oh the scenarios are endless, what would you do with such an option?

I'm sure I dont need to write much about the Mute key ;)

Ever wake up on a cloudy and start getting all depressed over the weather? No problem just find the Brightness control, pick it up a few notches, and watch the sun come up, Ah the brightness control a sure way to brighten your day.

If you ever find yourself having to repeat yourself a hundred times, or just having a hard time getting your point across, well then, the Caps key is what you need, all your statements will come out capitalized, I know my mom would love this one.

I haven’t quite figured out the Alt Cntl Deleteoption, but I know that when things aren’t going right and I have no idea why, those 3 keys somehow lead to a solution.

That’s it for now folks, its 2;30 in the morning and I had a busy day, I think I’ll turn to Standby mode and eventually, hopefully, Sleep mode will come along, or maybe I’ll just take time to think of next post while I Hibernate.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

System idle

Chevrah Kaddisha (True) Stories.

Two of the Jewish Burial society workers, Chaim and Berel (Names changed, ‘cuz I forgot their real ones ;) both happened to be taking a long drive to who-knows-where one day, and being that they worked for the chevrah Kaddisha they just so happened to be driving in an empty hearse.

Somewhere along the way after driving on the highway for quite some time Berel began to feel really tired, and so being that the back of the hearse was unoccupied he came up with a brilliant idea “Hey Chaim” he said “listen up, I’m getting really tired from all this driving, so if you don’t mind, take over the driving for a while, while I go and lie down in the back and try to get some sleep…” And so Chaim moves over to the driver’s seat to drive while Berel goes to take his nap in the dead man section, and after a short he is sound asleep.

Thing were going well, Berel was blissfully asleep in the back of the hearse while Chaim was driving when, after a while Chaim had to stop for a Cash-Toll, and so he pulled up along side the toll attendant sitting by the window, who proceeded to check out the hearse while Chaim dug in his pockets, searching for his cash, first he searched one pocket then another, pant pockets and shirt pocket and so on, while the line of cars gathered behind the hearse waiting to make their way through the toll, and the annoyed toll attendant looking on and waiting for the money, but the search was for naught and Chaim soon realized that he was out of cash, then he finally remembered “The Body” lying behind in the hearse, and so to the amusement of the toll attendant he leans over and calls out to “The (Sleeping) Body” “Hey Berel! Do you have any cash on you?”

Lets just say that what happened next resulted in the attendant making a quick escape out of his little toll both, eyes filled with fright and running for his life, leaving Chaim and the “no longer sleeping” Berel sitting there (with some money in his hand) Trying their best to hold back their laughter.

Story #2

It was in middle of the summer, visiting day to be precise, and Shmerel who worked for the chevrah kaddisha was ready to take make the long journey from the city to upstate NY to visit his dear son in camp, now the only problem was that Shemel was didn't own a car, and so being that he was a member of the Jewish Burial Society he figured he would use it to his advantage and so he borrowed a hearse so that he can go visit his son.

The car/hearse ride there went great, (some people actually respect a hearse more then a police car with flashing lights, hey the complains go straight to heaven) and so with no traffic Shmerel made it to camp in no time and had a great time with visiting son in camp, as you can imagine of course along with the hearse came a trunk full of jokes and so of course had to tell all the campers that no he wasn’t breaking out color-war and again no, the head counselor hadn’t died C’v and will still be there tomorrow.

Driving along the way back was a bit more difficult as it was already late at night and Shmerel was really zonked from such a busy day and so as he got more and more tired he decides to just pull over to the side of the road, and to hop over to the back of the unoccupied hearse, and get some sleep until he is awake enough to drive the rest of the way home, and so Shmerel gets into the back and totally undisturbed by being in the dead mans section falls into a deep sleep…

A police car happened to be passing along the highway at that time of the night and to his surprise he sees a hearse pulled over along the road with the lights out and windows slightly open and seemingly deserted, and so this poor officer decides to check it out unknown to him that he is in for the shock of his life as he pulls his cruiser over to the side of the road, walks over to the hearse and does a quick search with his flashlight and lo and behold, there is a “Body” lying in the back, yet there is no driver…!

Now Shmerel is lying there all comfy in his “bed” when he awakened by the sound of footsteps alongside his hearse and a flashlight shinning in on him, and being so startled he quickly jumps up in the back all disoriented and begins to look around and shake his hands while mumbling out loud “Its OK! I’m only sleeping!”

The poor officer who was freaked out of his mind and shaking with fright, he franticly made a mad dash back to his patrol car and sped away from the living dead.

***************

Sometimes I really thank G-d that I am a Kohen, doing shmirah and tahara for people who have passed away just doesn’t seem like something I would like to do, (Even though it’s a “chesed shel emes” and full credit to those who volunteer) being a koehn it is halachicly forbidden for me to do either of those things, even just entering a cemetery is forbidden (Sometimes a good thing, yet sometimes not)

Back in the days in Hawaii someone from the community was niftar unfortunately and so my (chavrusa) buddy and I were called upon to help out with the shmirah and tahara, thank G-d I’m a kohen so I was off the hook but my friend had to deal with it with one other guy, when he came back later on that day I asked him how it was, freaky or whatever, and he said he didn’t want to/couldn’t talk about it, later on that night after we had gone to sleep I was awakened by someone screaming, and so I jumped from my bed but only to see my friend screaming in his bed while still sleeping, obviously having a terrible nightmare of the previous days events. (He wouldn’t talk about it the next day, even after I told him what happened at night) Now that’s freaky…

****************

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the local rabbi talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was…
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's really your pa in there."

Good for “Nothing”?

Here is a little something about “Nothing”

As I was growing up (in my teenage years) my mom would always tell me “Find something you are good at, and do it” Now me personally, being who I am, meaning mellow, relaxed and sometimes lazy, always leaving things for the last minute, ‘cuz yes I am a firm believer in the rule of “If not for the last minute nothing would ever get done” and so I always did nothing until the last minute, until eventually “nothing” was done.

I found that the easiest thing to do was, believe it or not “Nothing” in fact I was so good at doing “nothing” I practically did it all the time, why, back in those days I was so busy doing nothing I never had time for anything else, cuz hey again as my mom told me "Nothing- is free is life" I soon realized that I was a real professional at doing nothing, if there was ever a time that that there was nothing to do, I was the one that was to do it, yup that was my profession “Nothing” when it came to nothing I was up for the job, and let me tell you I was really good at it, you see I knew plenty of people who couldn’t stand doing nothing, truth is and I hate to say it but they were pretty bad at it, if all they had to do was nothing they would go insane, but oh no, not me, I can do nothing for as long as there was nothing to do, my profession of choice at that time was to teach people all there was to know about nothing, how to deal with it and how to practice it because as far as I knew when it came to nothing I was top of the class.

In fact I was so good at doing nothing that my mom actually started complimenting me about it, she would say such sweet things like “oh you good for nothing” and stuff like that, and let me tell you it truly inspired me, I really love my mom, and to hear her tell me openly that she recognized my skill at doing “nothing” really meant a lot to me! Heck I used to do absolutely nothing around the house just so that I can have my mom tell me what a truly “good for nothing”, I was, and let me tell you, it made me feel special.

The saying of “nothing could be better” took on a whole now meaning in my life as I knew that “nothing” was always better, and if anyone ever told me that “nothing feels right” I would quickly agree with them at how true it was how “nothing” feels so right and if anyone ever told me there was “nothing happening” today, then that made it one of the best days of the week.

Life was going great until recently my mom started confusing me by stating things such as “Oh, nothing is ever good enough for you” and questions like “isn’t there anything you like?” so now I’m really mixed up, doesn’t my mom understand that “Nothing” is perfectly good enough for me? And further more, why would I want anything when I have nothing? I think there is something mysterious going on here, and I’m beginning to doubt the sincerity of my mom and how much she loved me for being a good for nothing, oy, all those compliment that she used to give me, I really miss them :(

Where did I go wrong? Was there something wrong with my nothing? Why would I want to make something out of nothing when nothing is perfectly fine with me…

Now this is what I call making nothing out of nothing, and remember all, this is “nothing” to joke about :)

Father: Son, be a good boy while I’m gone.
Son: Okay, Dad, I’ll be good for a 10 dollars.
Dad: For 10 dollars? Why, when I was your age, I was good for nothing!

Yinglish at Its best.
(Source unknown)

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines (trup) when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar Mitzvah.

SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

MATZILATION v. 1. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it 2. An unsuccessful attempt at splitting the affikoman in half.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. (The secret nosh drawer in bubbys house)

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. 1. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes 2. A yenta forgetting what she was yenting about.

GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius"

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a
reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY v. 1. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor 2. The ability to identify different types of chasidim by their clothing (Hats, Bekishes, etc.)

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid.

IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

KINDERSCHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

SHOFARSOGUT n. Ending the first day of rosh hashana, beginning the second, Shofar –so-gut 2.The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

I was at a friend's B-day/farbrengen tonight, chilled with the guys, heard some amazing stories, and no I didn’t drink much (see anon I’m not a bum ;p)

Just wanted to share some of the more humorous stories of the night, or whichever ones are still in my head…

Little yossi was was sitting in school one day, and his teacher was in middle of teaching, when he had to go to the bathroom…

(Now as I’m sure you all remember back in the school days when someone had to go to the bathroom it was no simple feat, first you had to raise your hand up high and waive it around like a lunatic until you your teacher would care to notice you, and then when he would finally acknowledged your presence by asking what you had to say (thinking that maybe for once you were actually listening in class and had a question on the subject at hand, well,) then you would meekly point out for the whole class to hear that you really had to go, and hope and pray he would let you go, even though it was your second time going in the past hour.)

So little yossi raises his hand high and praying that his teacher would notice him as he really had to go, his teacher of course chooses to ignore him, after a few minutes the hand waiving get even more frantic and yet the teacher STILL ignores him, after about 15 minutes of hand waving (Which happened to be more hand waving time then it would take to hail a taxi in NYC) yossi cant hold it anymore and WITHOUT asking for permission runs out of the classroom and makes a mad dash for the bathroom.

Upon returning to the classroom his teacher turns to him and scolds him for leaving without permission “What makes you so special sir, that you feel like you can leave class whenever you want, and without permission?”
“Well, I raised my hand for 15 minutes, and I REALLY had to go…!”
“So?” replies the teacher “wait until I call upon you, just think about the statue of liberty, look at how long she has been holding her hand up!”
And without missing a beat yossi replies “Sure, and look at the big puddle around her!”

*********

Plumber’s advertisements:

“#1 in dealing with #2”

“Your crap is our business!”

And some law firms phone number 1800-I-Can-Sue

****************
Shucks, I still have more to write, but its getting kinda late, guess I’ll have to save it for next post, have a great phenomenal shabbos Y’all :)

Just to finish of with one of my favorites before I go.

A priest walks onto an airplane and sits down, looks over and finds that he's next to a rabbi. They greet and talk a bit.

So after a while the rabbi asks the priest: "Father, I understand the catholic church is still based on hierarchy. What’s the next level you can ascend to?"

"Well I suppose if god was to bless me I could become a bishop."

"Really? Well, what about after that?"

"Perhaps if god were to really smile upon me I could become an archbishop."

"And after that...?"

"Well if all the angels were to smile upon me and god's will was so, then I suppose I could become a cardinal, but--"

"And after that?"

"Well, perhaps if I were granted a thousand blessings and held in highest of gods graces then I might one day become the pope but really--" (the priest was quite exasperated at this point).

"Any higher than that?"

"DO YOU WANT ME TO BECOME THE MESSIAH HIMSELF?!"

They were both silent for a moment. Then quietly, the rabbi says "one of our boys made it."

Single And Available

Ok, so after going to my cousins wedding (long story for another time) and then headed over to another friends L'chaim (mazal tov T) I eventualy went to another friends office for a little farbi with some beers (at 2am) and then finnaly settled at my friends little workshop (shack) with me the host and one other friend, spoke a bit about dating and then I dared one of the guys to write a post about dating to be posted on my blog without me editing it... Here it is is, to bozzed to post my opinios right now ( as I said I would) but I tottaly agree with whatever the dude wrote.

Here it is. (And yes he is S&A, anyone iterested E-mail me. ;)

Girls should be taught early on in life – sometime between the age 16 to 18 – how to read men. They should be able to differentiate between a serious man and a regular party guy, the one that will just start up with them for the hell of it, hoping to get some pleasure out of it…
Sometime I see a girl and I say to myself I wish she could be my wife. Of course usually she is good looking and my type of girl but that’s not entirely all I was looking for. In fact, usually when I encounter a girl in the street I usually see prettier and sexier girls walking right behind her, but that doesn’t drive me crazy. That’s not what I am looking for.
You see, I am a one of those regular bochurim, who went through the system, ‘been there done that’ type of guy, I have a great job and I go to school to make up for all the English stuff I missed out in yeshiva; I actually want to get a degree in some field so I can earn a better living one day. I don’t usually brag about myself, that’s not my character. But after having two Coronas and three Stella Artois (my favorite) I take the liberty to express my feelings without inhibitions… It’s now time for me to get married. I am totally ready for it. I’m a ‘nice Jewish young man’ with some good qualities a girl is looking for. A man that is looking to establish a Jewish house, loves kids (straight), responsible, and blah, blah.
Why am I saying all this? K, here is a story that happened to me: on my way to school last year I saw this nice girl on the subway, she looked good but also possessed what I thought is a great character. Being on the dating scene for a while, I didn’t want to pass on this one. I needed to do something and I needed to do it fast. I sat across this girl and observed her behavior, just to make sure that this was it… she got off the train on franklin ave and I followed. She sat down on the bench and I made believe I was looking for directions. This wasn’t funny, time was moving fast and I was afraid to lose this girl. I could not come up with anything to tell or ask her but I decided to approach her anyway. I took the step and told her she looked familiar. We had a nice conversation until she told me her name. I then recognized that she was engaged. She was about to get married to a jack ass.
Now that pissed me off!
Last week I saw her in a restaurant. She saw me too. I can feel her saying ‘why didn’t you take me’
I just feel that the girls fall for all the jack*sses because they are the ones that actively look out for them. The truth is that there are many great guys out there that actually care and are capable. But you are not looking in the right places.


Ok that's that, I havent gone through it yet, my comments will come when I am sober.

G'night/morning Y'all.

To finish off, a quote from me "If not for good friend, we would all be married"

Kosher Times

Opening soon in your religious neighborhood

Just a few Jewish business ideas that I am working on at the moment, haven’t yet worked out all the details, (ok, so I’m to lazy to edit and finish it up) but here is the general idea for now :)

BIG BROTHER ESCORT SERVICE:

For all those girls who are nervous or just too afraid to walk outside by themselves, and yes, the answer for all boys who are getting tired of having to drop whatever it is they are doing cuz’ their dear sister needs someone to walk her home at one in the morning, (or for any husband who frankly isn’t that interested in going shopping with his wife or walking her to get her hair done etc.) be it day or night, the solution is here, at big brother we have a variety of “Brothers” to chose from (Chasidish, religious, and modern) to escort you ladies for an hour or two, or even for the day/night, whether it’s a visit to a friends house, running errands or simply a walk around the block, “Big Brother” is here for you.

GLATBUSTER:

Finally what you have all been waiting for, a kosher blockbuster!
Featuring a full selection of Uncle Moishy videos, MBC and HASC concerts, and all the rest of your favorite JEWISH movies. (Mel brooks anyone?) And of course a special “Rebbe” video section.
There will be a back room for any movies rated about PG, and anyone wanting to enter the room and rent such movies will require written consent from their Rabbi or mashpia.

SIX ELEVEN:

Yes it true, it’s the kosher version of seven eleven, open only 6 days a week, kosher magazines only. All the food guaranteed OU kosher which means you will never have to worry whether you favorite slurpy is actually kosher or not!

THE "FARBRENGEN" BAR:

Finally a religious bar for religious Jews to hang out in, no more worry about mixing with shkotzim and shiktsas. Separate entrances and party rooms for men and women. There will also be popular rabbis, rebetzins and mashpi’im waiting to shmooze or farbreng with you!
So be it a bris or a birthday, bar/bat mitzvahs, and yes even Jewish kosher bachelor parties, let us make it the party of your life, because at the Farbrengen Bar we say “L’chaim!”
Notice: For all my fellow lubabs, a permission slip from your mashpia will be required if you wish to drink “More then Four”

KOSHER DUNKIN DOUGHNUTS:

Strictly kosher, also providing fresh bakes challos and rolls for shabbos, and just you wait until Passover comes along… Gevald!

BESUREI HEMELECH OR McDOVIDS

We might not have cheeseburgers, but the lattkes and Kreplach soup taste great!

I’m also looking into starting a Jewish street gang called “The Mac-A-Bees”

NOTICE: For information on any of the above business propositions please call 1800-Oy-Gevald, These ideas are copyright, anyone trying to use these business idea’s without my consent will be taken to beth-din and subsequently be flogged or st00ned.

Found a few more jewish personals. Enjoy

Dating Oys and Vays. Personals - Actually Posted (Source Unknown)

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 77

My darling wife
Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."