Another one bites the dust!;) Mazal tov! To my dear cousin, may all the blessing come true and may you merit much happiness and success...



The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, I've found a man just like Dad!
Her mother replied, and so what you want from me, sympathy?

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months....I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turned to the first two and said, "Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!"

The two men were dumbfounded. "Wow that's incredible! What happened next?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, "Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"


Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years.

Counselor: What happened?

Husband: We got married.

Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husbandÂ’s assessment of your marriage?

Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.


10 Things to know about marriage

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.

6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.

That is why sometimes wife's treats husband like toxic waste.

10. A man is incomplete until he is married.

After that, he is finished..


SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. (We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY.)

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink!" To which he replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it!"


Mother in laws.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother-in-law?

Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.

A husband said to his wife, No, I dont hate your relatives. In fact, I like YOUR mother-in-law better than I like mine!

No internet, No bloggy

Sorry all, haven't been able to blog much lately for several reasons, the main reason being that my home desktop computer has gone "Kaput" and my parent have decided that the family is actually much better of without computer and internet... Go figure don't they see my pain?! ;)

So anyhow I did manage to get myself a laptop (mazal tov) but the thing is there still is no internet (yet) and well what should I say, at first I though I would go meshugah, it really is tuff when you get used to having a computer with internet all the time and then suddenly its gone, its like losing one of your best friends who is always there for you :(

But as time passed on some very interesting things began to happen, my fingers stopped trembling And I got over MOST of the blog withdrawal symptoms, guess that's what happens when you don't have a computer available at all hours of the day huh.

Hmmm guess that would make me a recovering Blogaholic :) not to worry though, truth is I don't intend to totally quit blogging just that with this current situation I definitely wont be bloging as much as before.

Untill forther changes come along,

Blog Y'all later!

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Hot To Get A Life

Difficulty Level: Hard

Time Required: Years

Here’s How:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.

Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

In the real world saying LOL is not the right way to go about laughter.

A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy,
mommy, sister, brother, my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of
yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does
she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what
you hear Mommy say, "the mother said. The little girl bowed her head
and said "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"


A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen


Computer prayer.

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my computer from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!

Amen

Friendship

To all my friends.

"A friend is someone who reaches out for your hand...and touches your heart."

“If friends were like noses, I’d pick you!”

Friendship is like a tree... It is not measured on how tall it could be, but is on how deep the roots have grown...

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

“Friends help you move. True friends help you move bodies.”

A good friend will come bail you out of jail..... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




A man seeing flashing red and blue lights inhis rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop,a police officer approaches the car.


The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in
a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!
[The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for
your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for
not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells,
"For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks,
"Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."


THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A COP...

Bad cop! No donut!

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the officer says, "Gee son... your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"

You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol!

When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...

If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood, and when he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't swing that way.

Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.


Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.



OOps, I fogot my favorite one, here it is.

A cop was hanging out a local bar waiting for drunks to come out so he can catch them with DWI (drunken driving)

A group of people wander out of the bar and sure enough one of the guys looks like he is drunk off his box, wobling all over the place and barely able to stand, the guy walks over to his car takes out his car-keys and drops them on the floor, finnaly he managed to get his car and starts to drive off and the cop figuring he's got one quickly pulls him over before he hits someone.

The cop orders the guy out of the car and tells him to walk in a straight line, and the guy proceeds to do just that with no problem at all, figuring the guy is just a good drunk the officer orders him to take the breathalizer test which again the guy passes with no problem!

Confused the cop turns to the guy and asked him how he managed to pass the tests, he sure looked drunk to him before.

Well you see officer, answerd to guy, tonight I am the "designated drunkard"

OK. This next post is about something that has been driving me crazy since I started blogging, the blog "Spell checker"! Its driving me nuts and here is the reason why…

Its not that my spelling is bad, butt just two bee shore that I don’t half any unintentional miss takes after eye finish righting up any post, I run it threw spell check ass a precaution, and the funny sing is that nod only doze it fix my mistakes, it changes it in two a hole new word!!!

Get the point right? Truth is I cant really blame spell checker, it really is brainless (blameless) after all there are so many words in the English language that not only sound alike, sometimes they are even spelled alike and they have a different meaning! Of course it will mix them up here and there.

Here are some words that I though of that either sound or look alike.

HERE, such a simple word but if you spell it wrong you might come up with HAIR, HARE, HEAR, and maybe even HEIR.

How about this one, I DARE you to DERE THE DEAR DEER! Ok I’ll admit DERE I actually got out of the dictionary, but hey it is a word meaning to harm.

Here is another one I thought of, “I went to SEE the SEA, and saw a SAIL-boat for SALE”. Oh and then “it started SINKING as I stood there THINKING, with a SINKING feeling” Go figure.

What’s so FAST about a FAST day? Those are the longest days for me.

Is there a reason why we PET a PET?

If a frankfurter is called a FRANK then to be FRANK I wonder where the name FRANK comes from.

Why is it that when reading a book, you turn the PAGE, and yet if someone has a beeper or if you want to call him through a P A system, you PAGE him? And I Just found out that PHAGE is a virus!

Quick words. HOUR-OUR, ONE-WON, TWO-TOO-TO, FOUR-FOR, EIGHT-ATE, LIGHT-LITE.

How many RINGS are there? A gang is a RING, you have a wedding RING, the phone can RING. For some reason they call it a boxing RING even though it’s square, and yet by skating when its more circular they call it a RINK!

OY there really is so much more, but I think I proved my point for now, besides if I go on it will begin to sound STEW-PIT and you’d think I’m an “as whole” (kosher spell check curse)

What is by far the most amazing thing is that every time I run spell check on my blog it tells me that BLOG or BLOGGER is misspelled or that there is no such word! (Try bloc or blocker) It’s a freaking blog spell checker for G-ds sake, why would it ask me if I want to replace blogging with flogging? you would think they programmed it to recognize words such as blog or blogger!!!

BYE-BUY-BY for now.

OxyMORON.

Was thinking a while ago of writing up something on oxymoron’s (after someone had pointed out to me for like the 20th time that Chasidishe Shaigitz is a oxymoron.) I had a really busy day and now I’m tottaly zonked and yet I figured there is never a better time then the present, right? G-d I’m so addicted, someone help!

Oxymorons.

To start with let me knock off some very simple oxymoronic words which drive me nuts, ever need a answer to a question and you ask someone if they know the answer and the reply is “More or Less” What exactly is that supposed to mean, in what way did that answer the question, More? Or less? Call me stupid but if your going to answer my question with a answer like that I’m going to find my answers elsewhere!

How about when your waiting for someone to arrive and you ask your friend when that person is meant to show up, and of course you get the reply of “Sooner or Later” again call me stupid but in what way did that answer my question? Sooner? Or later? Great now I’m more confused then before, that’s almost as bad as if I had asked if that person was coming altogether and the reply was that its a “Definite Maybe”!

More simple stuff now, why is it that when it’s a mess its “Pretty Awful” yet when its nice its “Awfully Pretty” Last time I checked awful is nowhere near pretty. Or how about when your mother works so hard to make her great tasting chicken soup and you tell her its “Awfully good” talk about compliments huh, doesn’t that sound “Awfully Nice”.

How about regarding last post when your ready to go and make a speech, you get nervous and your friend tells you not to worry, just “Act Natural” Now hold on here a second buddy if you want me to be natural there then I wouldn’t be acting now, would I? Great now I'm more nervous then before!

How about when you just found out some shmutz on a friend, and you friend who already knew about it tells you that it’s a “Open Secret” Call me dumb but if its in the open then there really isn’t anything secret about it, right? Of the topic for a second but you know what they say about secrets, “A secret is something that you only tell to one person at a time”.

What about when your listening to the news and they tell you something was “Found Missing” If I have to explain this one I’ll shoot myself, even worse though is when they finally find the “found missing” thing and they say they got it back “Almost Exactly” like it was before… Almost or exactly? Make up your darn mind. Sounds like my sister buying a dress for a wedding but she can’t buy that one cuz it looks “almost exactly” like someone else’s, my, if only it had been a bit more almost and a lot less exact.

Ever see someone who was “Clearly Confused”? That’s enough to confuse me.

How about something that is “Seriously Funny” Listen if its serious then Im not laughing.

Ok sorry all I got plenty more here but its now 4 in the morning and I gotta go home, thats right I'm not home now as the interet connection in my home has been disconnected (long story) oh and plus I am kinda tired, so thats it for now.

Buenas Noches, Laila tov. And peace to all.

Speaking of speaking.

"The number one fear amongst people is public speaking, second to that is death. So if you think about it, must people would rather be the one in the coffin, then be the one giving the eulogy"

I have it the worst of all, you see I happen to be claustrophobic too!

Most people (when they get nervous while) public speaking, get tongue tied and don't know what to say. I on the other hand just cant shut up!

*****************************************

A young rabbi straight out of kollel once came to town to try out for the new rabbi position, as the old rabbi was retiring.

The first shabbos came along and as part of his job the young rabbi was too give his first shabbos sermon/drasha in place of the old retiring rabbi.

The young rabbi had prepared the whole week for this speech and had all his notes tucked away in his jacket pocket, or so he though, halfway through davening the young rabbi reached into his pocket to go over his sermon before delivering it after the reading of the torah, only to realize that the papers with his notes were gone!

The young rabbi got all frantic and turned to the old rabbi sitting near him to ask for help as he had no idea what to do, there was no way he can deliver his great sermon without his notes!

The old rabbi turned to him and calmed him down by telling him not to worry and everything will be fine, he still had plenty of time until the sermon and he was sure he will find the notes by then or work something out, the young rabbi sat back in his seat and "shvitzt" through the rest of davening all worried and nervous.

Prayers went on followed by the reading of the torah and the time for the sermon arrived, the young rabbi really panicked now and turned to the old rabbi with wild eyes.

Don't worry said the old rabbi, listen closely now as to what you should do, when you go up to the pulpit you will find inside of it a glass along with a bottle of water for you to drink during your speech, the secret is however that it isn't water in the bottle, its vodka! So when you get up there take out the glass, pour yourself a little "WATER" and take a sip every once in a while and I'm sure it will calm you down, and the words will just come to you.

The young rabbi walked up to the pulpit with shaking legs and stood up to face the crowd with sweat dripping down his face, before he began his speech he reached for the water and the glass as the rabbi had told him to do, he poured himself a FULL cup made a blessing and gulped it all down before refilling the glass, and then went on to deliver the sermon.

What a sermon it was! The words were flowing from his mouth, and he had the crowd transfixed, not a sound was heard as he spoke about the torah, and good versus evil, at which he proceeded to bring down a example from the story of David and Goliath, how the simple and holy David was able to defeat the powerful and evil Goliath!

Finishing his sermon the crowd broke out into thunderous applause as the rabbi walked back to his seat, passing the old rabbi the young rabbi reached out to shake his hand and asked him smugly, Eh' rabbi what do you think, was that a knockout or what?

The old rabbi replied: All in all, it was truly good, but there are just 3 things which I want to point out to you.
1. I told you to pour a LITTLE BIT of vodka, you took 3 CUPS!
2. I told you to SIP the vodka, you gulped it down like water.
3. David SLEW Goliath, he didn't BEAT THE f***** &%@#@ S**T OUT OF HIM!

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Whoever said "Emor m'at, Vasei harbeh" (talk a little and DO a lot) obviously didn't know how to talk his way out of doing things.

"If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer"

"There is nothing more annoying then when the guy next to you just goes on talking, and your in middle of interrupting!"

To blog or not to blog.

I put together this little list here for signs of blog addiction, if anyone has anything to add or comment, please do so.

You know your a serious blogger when...

1. Friends begin to call you by your blog name. ( and vice-versa)

2. Your times of posting are all hours of the day, whether its four in the afternoon or four in the morning.

3. Your considering a career in blog psychology.

4. Your friends all come to you for blog questions and advice, 'cuz you have all the answers.

5. You consider yourself a "blog guru"

6. You have more "blog buddies" then "real life friends".

7. Getting over 50 comments to a post or over 1000 hits a day no longer thrills you.

8. Your blog-roll goes on forever.

9. Your daily activates are divided into two categories, blogworthy or unblogworthy. ("To blog or not to blog")

10. Your mother wants to know how your day was, and you tell her to read your blog.

11. Your considering checking yourself into blog rehab, and joining the support group called bloggers anonymous.

Blog y'all later.

Team work

So there isn't any "I" in team, I don't see any "U" either! If anything there is a E and a M, for ME. me

The Jewish Rowing Team

In a Jewish College, the sports department decided to start a rowing team. However as luck would be they lost every contest. After suffering defeat after defeat, the coach decided to try some smarts. He called upon one of his crew members and gave him the assignment to check out the best teams, to see what is their secret of success.

After checking out the Yale and Harvard rowing teams, the Jewish crew member returned to his coach.

"Well, did you see anything that they do that is different then what we do?"

"Yes," was the reply, "They do the opposite of us. They only have one guy barking out the commands and eight guys rowing!"













TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.