Friday, March 31, 2006

You know your in a Jewish neighborhood when...







I found this under the headline "Jewish media infiltration" Kinda funny, its seems we are taking over the comics as well, Oy!

"Oy is Yo backwards."
-Suburban Homeboy-

The English language.














Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways ?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike ?

How can the weather be hot as hell on one day and cold as hell another ?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it,English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't inventedin England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren'tsweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

People, not computers invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, is not a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it !

*******************************************

"So, You Think It's Easy to Learn English???"

{Read it out loud.}

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present. (This last could mean "gift" or "era of time.")

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Credits to Yirmi, thanks dude.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Are you special?

















9 Things I Hate About people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No idiot, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What do they mean?!!! Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Credit to moses (TRP) for sending this over, thanks dude.

***********************************************

One thing that really irks me, the stupid people, or even stupid friends! ya know the one that always has something stupid to say, no matter when or where, you just know that when he opens his mouth sooner or later something really stupid is going to come out, and oh the cringe when he says it, and then the weird look you give him, followed by the dude pullleeeze, just shut up! Arghhhh!

Oh or how about the people who love to argue over absolutely nothing, it drives me insane listening to such arguments. Again to those fools I say "It's better to keep quiet and have people think you stupid, than to talk and confirm it."

Monday, March 27, 2006

Smoking kills

















"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

Hmmmm one of these days I really should give up smoking, but I'm not a quitter!

Or as I always say, "they say quitting (smoking) is so good, I figured I would do it more then once" or "I decided the only time I really need to smoke is when I drink, so I made a rule, no smoking unless I'm drinking... Now I am a smoker AND a alcoholic!"

Me :)

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Future Passover
















A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Women & Money







"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

More Moses!




Tuesday, March 21, 2006

"A drunkard will be sober in the morning, but a fool will always remain a fool."


This line has stuck in my head since purim (obviously I wasn't that drunk) I heard it at one of the many purim parties I had gone to, one rabbi said this story about a respectable chosid/rabbi who got drunk on purim, and as he was walking down the street one of the village people started mocking him, how can such a respectable rabbi get drunk like this? To which the chosid replied, A DRUNK WILL BE SOBER IN THE MORNING, BUT A FOOL WILL ALWAYS BE A FOOL!

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Holy moses! :)
















Moses.

Ten year old Mikey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in sunday Hebrew School.
"Well, Mommy, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead His Chosen People out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his cell phone to call headquarters for reinforcements. They called in an air strike of the Israeli Air Defense to take out the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Mikey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Thursday, March 16, 2006

"birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest"

Happy Birthday to me :)

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Road-Kill: The day I saw g-d

















So I happened to be sitting outside on my front porch one night (two summers ago) and there was this bird that was hopping up and down, and obviously was not able to fly, it probably had a broken wing.

Anyhow my block is on a hill with the traffic going downhill , and so this bird which cant fly is walking/hopping down my block, when all of a sudden a cat jumps on the road and tried to do whatever it is it wanted to do to this poor bird, and I'm watching how this injured bird is fighting back, again and again and again... Over and over again the cat runs at the bird and tries to take it down and each time the bird fights off the cat with its wings and manages to get away and also bit further down the street.

The bird put up a real fight and finally reached the bottom of the road, by then the cat gave up and walked away, and then, right there in front of my eyes (I actually followed a bit to see what would happen) a cop car came out of nowhere and turned up my block, meaning AGAINST traffic, which basically NEVER happens!) and ran over and killed the bird!!! Oh ya needless to say I was left standing there with my mouth hanging open, and a lot to think about.

Divine providence,

Go figure, and feel free to comment.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

In a word mood

















Word.
A buncha letters make a word.
Werd. (weird)
I'm feeling all werd.

*******************************************************

911 Operator: 911 emergency, how can I help you?

Ghetto dude: yo! My buddy's down!

911: sir?

Dude: yea, he's got a cap in duh back!

911: sir I cant understand you, calm down please.

Dude: my buddy's been shot!

911: Oh! I'll send send help right away, what's your location sir?

Dude: Cool, we is at sicamoe (sycamore) street!

911: Come again, sir?

Dude: sicamoe! That spelled S E E K... Hold on, check that, maybe its S E A C K A... No no that aint right! Know what, ill drag him to LEE STREET, you pick him up there!

Click.
*******************************************************

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

*******************************************************
A little vocabulary builder for ya.

Country Technology for Country Folk.

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gittin the far wood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18 KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

My favorite "BODEGA"


Everyone has got their bodega, ya know that little store that you can always count on to be open anytime, ( for me I'm talking about the 2am beer run) and not feel the least bit bad about waking up the person sleeping behind the counter/window.

This is my favorite one, located on empire and Brooklyn and not owned my Arabs so I don't have to worry about getting grumbled at, or supporting Hamas by buying from 'em.

This place used to be Hispanic owned but was bought of by AA's and thank g-d they actually are open 24/7 thanks to the night (AM) window.

What really got me to post about this was the (hand written) sign that was recently put up by someone who works in the store and almost had me rolling on the store when I read it,(ok, so I was slightly tipsy at the time, but) I really had a hard time keeping a straight face and holding back my comments as I ordered from the window, figured I would post a picture of the store and the sign so you all can see for yourselves. See if you can find the mistOOks.

Brooklyn (manhattan skyline far back)

Nightlife (kingstone Ave. And eastern prkw.)















Credits to Chaim E

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Silence is golden...

















"Talking comes by nature, silence by wisdom"

"There are times when silence has the loudest voice"

"To be seen, stand up. To be heard, shout. To be appreciated, sit down and shut up!"

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Moses Baby Picture







In the spirit http://www.exodus06.com

Slushy weather

OK so they said it would snow today around 3+ inch and what does g-d give us instead SLEET! I'm telling ya the lord has really got a warped sense of humor! I mean heck even the platypus I can understand somewhat, ( hey we all get drunk or high once in a while) but messing around with the weather is a whole different story, almost like DWI in a g0dly way!
oysh whatever, this weather stinks so I figured I would post some pics (kingstone ave. and another of eastern prkw.) of the last snowstorm to feel a bit better while I sit in my house and wait for this rain/snow/slush to end.




Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Internet Slave



Hooked on Internet? Help Is a Just a Click Away






"Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks"

It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies. ouch!

"Internet: absolute communication, absolute isolation."

drunkenly sober.

Oh shoots, I actually started this post last night (at 4 something in the morning!) after a serious night of drinking, I had written a long post and spent some time on it, but somehow it all got deleted, twice! So I decided to scratch that idea and headed home without realizing that I had left the title... I have no clue how it got posted!

So plastered and now miraculously stuck with only a minor hangover, thank g-d I got to sleep it off, I left a note on my bedroom door this morning so my dad wouldn't wake me up at 7am to drive him to work, like I do almost every day, don't know how I did it but here is what I had written:
Not driving! Sorry Ta, I am under the affluence and to drive to drunk! Or to drunk to drink, to drive. Sorry! Me. Thank g-d it worked and he didn't bother waking me, what a headache that would be.