"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."

"Friendship is one mind in two bodies."

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity."

"A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget..."

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.... friendship is talking to your best friend without words... Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts."

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."



True friends inspire, without even knowing it.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the
front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

What? Where?

Blonde's year in review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottl es won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

Whew! - What a year!!

--------------------

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


--------------------

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny?
Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

--------------------

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"

--------------------

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out the machine. She sets it to the ground, puts in another sixty cents and pushes another button. Suddenly a coke comes out of the machine. She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get a soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

--------------------

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

--------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

--------------------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

--------------------

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
T he Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

From Harry, who has shared with me these few things he's found out since becoming a daddy :)

For those who have sons & those who are happy they don't..........
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like ...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends,
with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

Why I was fired

For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person...



...I was fired for ordering the cups.

****************************

And here are some stuff from earlier on.



The value of a drink.

3 Tamuz

Back then we had no words but the tears (emotions) were flowing, these days however there are no tears, only words.

An Old Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
*Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
*It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
*Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Stam

**************

It’s the insanity which keeps me sane… Or in other words, Sometimes it takes a little craziness to be/feel normal.

Duck’s Feet

Even when he was only five years old, R' Heschel of Cracow was very bright.

One afternoon, little Heschel saw his mother roasting a succulent duck in the kitchen.  His mouth was watering.  He looked at her with pleading eyes.  "That smells so delicious, and I am so very hungry.  Can I please taste a little piece?"

But his mother replied, "You will have to wait for supper, just like everyone else."

Heschel kept staring at the duck.  When his mother wasn't looking, he stuck his hand into the pot and grabbed a leg.  Then he quickly ran out of the kitchen and ate it up.

That evening, the whole family sat down together to eat dinner.  When the mother brought out the roast duck, everyone noticed that one leg was missing.  "What happened to the leg?"  Heschel's father asked.  Knowing his son, he already suspected where the leg had gone.

"Maybe this duck had only one leg," Heschel suggested.  "It could be, you know."

His father and mother decided not to say anything.  The next morning father and son went for a walk in the forest.  They came upon a beautiful lake and watched the swans and ducks swimming.  Heschel saw a duck standing on the shore, on one leg.  "Look, Abba.  That duck has only one leg-just like the one we had for supper last night.  You see, it is possible for a duck to have only one leg.

The father took Heschel by the arm, and they approached the lake.  Suddenly, the father clapped his hands, startling the duck.  It put down its other leg and ran away-of course, on both legs.

"You see, every duck has two legs."  Heschel's father pointed out.

Without missing a beat, Heschel replied, "Well if you had clapped your hands last night, maybe that duck also would have shown us its other leg."

 

 

 

 from: More Jewish Bedtime Stories by Shmuel Blitz

I like...

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."

*****************************************

Discombobulated

Quick definitions (discombobulated)

# adjective: having self-possession upset; thrown into confusion


What's your favorite word?

A man and his chavrusa are learning in the local beit midrash.
"I have some wonderful news," says the man. "My daughter is getting married."
"Mazal Tov!" says his friend. "That's wonderful!"
"Thank you. Well, here's the thing. We've been learning together for
over 20 years, and you're one of the most important people in my life.
I'd really like you to be an Eyd for the wedding."
His friend looks suddenly embarrassed. "I'm sorry, old friend, but I'm
afraid I can't accept. You see, I'm not Jewish." "What?! But how could
you not be?"
"Well," says his friend, "I find shul to be very spiritually
fulfilling, and the learning is the best intellectual stimulation
around, to say nothing of this wonderful community. I've devoted my
life to the mitzvot, but I've never actually converted."
The man is aghast. "But didn't we just learn that a goy who observes
Shabbat incurs the death penalty?"
"Oh, no worries," says his friend. "I don't keep Shabbat. You see,
every Saturday morning before going to shul, I put a key in my
pocket."
"So? Our community has an Eruv."
"Feh," says his friend. "I don't hold by that Eruv!"

G'shabbos to y'all.

IMHO

Lying to or misleading a shadchan is as stupid as lying to an optometrist during an eye exam for lenses.

Sure the glasses might look good on you, but the prescription is all wrong.

A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said.
"Just get the hell out."

-------------------------------------

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.

------------------------------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

--------------------------------------

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

hicks letter to the newspaper

" Dear  Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need  your advice on what could be a crucial decision.  I've  suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual  signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been  going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask  their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't  know them."

 
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab  coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear  the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a  taxi at all?

 
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see  what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She  quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically,  screaming that I should never touch her  personal    property, then accused me  of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the  subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the  truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really  check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley  Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so  I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle  that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket  between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think  I should take it back to the dealer?




Signed


 
 

Unsure What to  Do

FRIEND: (Jokingly on the drive up to Montreal) "So, is there any diffrence in time zone bet the US and Canada?
CS: (Jokingly, or not) "Of course dude, don't you know Canada is a couple of years behind!"