A Chinese businessman operating out of south China suffers a string of robberies. He calls up his associate in Israel and asks him if he ever had a problem with robberies.

"Not really," replies the Israeli. "We have this thing we put on the doorpost - called a mezuzah - and it protects our homes from harm." "Send me one," begs the Chinese guy, "I'm desperate for a solution."

A few weeks later, the Israeli gets his mezuzah back in the mail. He
calls up his Chinese friend. "Nu," he asks him. "The mezuzah didn't
work? You were robbed again?"

"No, no," the Chinese guy assures him, "no robberies."
"So why did you send it back?" The Chinese guy sighs. "I dunno," he says. "Ever since I hung it up, the doorbell doesn't stop ringing. Each time a different dude standing there, saying the same thing: 'Tzedoko!'"


When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important. Put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I, my brother's kipah?"


A Rabbi, who was late for a golf game, was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day at his office in synagogue, his secretary said, "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg," she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

This one actually works!!!

Think of a letter between
A and W.


Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


Keep going . .
Don't stop .. .


...
...
...
...
...
...



Think of an
Animal
That begins
With that letter.


...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...



Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down.


...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


Think of
Either a man's/woman's
Name
That
Begins
With the
Last letter
In the
Animals name


...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


Almost
There........

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


Take the
Hand you
FIRST counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


Look at your
Palm
Very closely
And
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?!

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...




Of course not.......



Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
Yourself in the head, get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
internet games!




Smile & have
A great day!


OH, Gotcha!!!!!!!!!

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

this is so true......

On the first day, God created the dog and said:"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you --- go forth.

Credit to Shadchun :)

*****************

WIRES Just sent me this pic
Which reminded me of THIS post. ;)

Shoin
So one guy says to another guy, " Goldberg and Rosenstern were talking one day...

HOLD IT !, ....his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."



Two beggars in Ireland
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, “Nu Moishe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."


Izzy’s Last Will and Testament

Izzy has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Izzy’s Last Will and Testament:

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."


A Serious Chat with Mom

Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone...

"Darling, How are you? This is Mommy."

"Oh Mommy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mommy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."

"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"

"Why, David 's your husband....Is this 555-3749?"

"No, this is 555-3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"


Four Letter Words

Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.

"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon, darling?"

"Oh mom," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."

Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mom, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mom, get into your car now and come and take me home."

"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."

"Please mom, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.

"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mom, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."


Sincere rabbinical student. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

:)
Wishing y'all a easy, meaningful, and fast fast,
CS.

The convert

Moishe Kneidel converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Kneidel," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

********************
Aight so basically I was called up for jury duty next Friday and so I’m putting together a list of possible excuses for getting dismissed from it. Here’s what I got so far:

Reasons/statements/questions for getting out meself out of jury duty…

1. Listen judge I’ve got to be honest, I come from a nice Jewish family, so sure I can come over and listen to the prosecutor and defendant… but bottom line I’m going to have to side with whatever my mother says!

2. Well ya see honorable sir, I’m an observant Jew so the thing is do you think you can maybe arrange a minyan for mincha?

3. Ehh, would it be ok if I brought along a 6 pack? Or 2: Tell me, ya think we’ll be done on time for happy hour? Of course best would be to stumble in there stinking of alcohol and exclaiming “Oh My Garsh! You mean dish ishint the Alcoholic’sh Anonymoush gazzzering?! Me Lord I musht have gotten me calendar funcused, but not to worry your shweet royal highneshhhh, I shwear I’m not as drunk assss I sink you are!”

4. Honestly I’m more of a night person, so how about if we change it up a bit for me and instead of 9am till 4pm I’ll take the night shift from 9pm till 4am?

5. What?! You mean I have to sit still for so many hours listening to people speak and yet you expect me not to fall asleep??? I gotta tell ya, I don’t think I ever made it through a single gemara shiur without my eyes closing and even those only lasted for 2 hours tops!

6. I’ve never really told anyone but I’m schizophrenic so 1. Does that mean I have to serve twice? 2. What happens if WE disagree?

7. My doctor just told me I’m ADHD! And if they don’t belive then the plan is to get down every couple of minutes and do sets of pushups ‘n sit-ups, hey that way even if I don’t get dismissed I get to work out while I’m there.

Of course another convince em would be to jump up and down the whole time all the while yelling “Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!”… :)

8. Ehhhh how you say, my Inglesh very not so good, maybe ess OK eeef I speah eh enn Eeebrew?

9. So is it ok if I bring my chavrusah along? I promise I’ll keep it down, but I can’t guarantee the same for him. :p

10. Hey judge did you ever hear this one: “When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty”

11. So can I bring my laptop along, ya see I’ve got this blog and if I don’t check it every once in a while I start suffering withdrawal symptoms!

12. You mean we get paid for doing this? WooHoo! Hey judge can I get a bonus if I come in early, and hey ya think maybe I can arrange some sort of deal with the prosecutor, ya know some extra cash if I rule in his favor?

Anyone got any other brilliant ideas? (after all I don't want to end up like THIS guy =:o

Where did we go wrong?

The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.

Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.

Lot's Wife
A Sunday School teacher was telling the class about how Lot's wife looked back at the city while they were fleeing its destruction, even though God had forbidden her to. She then turned into a pillar of salt.
A little boy interrupted her and said, "My mommy looked back one time while she was driving the car and she turned into a street lamp."

Stam: btw, FYI: He's back!!!

Ever have your ENTIRE life flash right before your eyes?
My bro whom was home this shabbos from day camp had me cracking up when he shared this story with me…

BasicAlly he was driving with some guys after a rain storm, as they were rounding a curve on the highway their car fishtailed into the other lane right in front of a oncoming truck, B”h the driver was able to straighten out and avoid a collision, however the car kept on swerving and ended up crossing the yellow dotted line passed the incoming traffic and onto the grass on the other side of the highway in one of those “life flashing before your eyes” kinda spin.

Anyhoo as the car finally came to a stop (narrowly missing some trees on the side of the road) all the guys are just sitting there with their mouths hanging open in shocked silence, at that point my brother breaks the tense silence and exclaims “ohhhhhhhh, so that’s where I put the remote!

**********************************

Bad news: I lost weight! What am I going to do?! I recently stepped on a scale at a friends house and to my horror realized that since the beginning of the summer I had lost almost 5 pounds!

This is so unfair! I mean why is it that they have so many weight-loss programs out there, but no one ever thought of putting out a weight-gain program!

Oh yeah and I know what you’re all thinking, I've heard it before, yes that one weight-gain program called “marriage” … Thing is I hear it only comes with a lifetimes subscription and once you sign up for it there is no backing out, plus I hear you have to read the fine print very well ‘cuz then you notice that it’s not just a simple one step program :p



**************************

Me thinks: "It’s aint a good thing to (always) try to be somebody else, ‘cuz someday you just might have to be yourself and you wont know how."

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD:

Here's a bit of "paronomasia" (gosh I really like that word) kinda reminds me of the word "pyromania" only in this case what are the chances of getting burnt... Oysh so Punny :)

There was a man who entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Oysh!

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sign for a networking business in Australia: The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in their craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!



My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!

Got me thinking again

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation??
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Also... WOOHOO! Guess who actually posted again ;) Mazal tov to Bezerkley it's been like forever dude, glad to have you with us again! (lets see how long you last this time :P yes that's a dare :)



Oh and before I forget ;) Rumors are circulating (ok fine not as of yet, but I'm starting 'em now) that a certain friend of mine, best known as Dovid, AKA My chavrusah, AKA Gonzonic is seriously contemplating coming out of retirement... WooHoo!

P.S. Am I the only one having problems with Statcounter?

P.P.S. Sheesh + Oysh = Shoysh!

Reasons to Wear Sunscreen

1.  Some kinds come in a cool spray can thing.

2.  The lotion is fun to smear.

3.  You can write whatever you want on yourself.

4.  You can write whatever you want on someone else.

5.  Your friend has no idea what you wrote on his back.

6.  Whatever you write will remain white (and not get burned).

7.  It protects against cancer.

8.  It prevents the whole tomato-face phase.

9.  You doctor/Mommy/teacher told you to.

10.  You wont be in an insane amount of pain after exposure to the sun for a long period of time.



So why the heck didn't I wear sunscreen today???

Moshe M.S. said...

"Its nice of you to post your picture, it is a good step towards revealing that you are not what a true lubavitcher is supposed to be."

Bummer.


"(you have no clue what I am talking about because you dont know lubavitch! lubavitchers do not go to beaches and do not drink beer "in the world in".)"

Shucks.


"I await the disclaimer on your site stating that in no way do you represent the true lubavitch and you are just a child who has been held captive between the nations. You do not know what hit."

DISS-claim-ERRRRR: In no way does my blog represent the true lubavitch, I am just a child whom has been held captive between the nations... (I'm not going to laugh, I'm not going to laugh... nfxhfxzfhchhh *chocking sounds from trying my darn hardest to hold in the laughter...fvzdfdf hehe ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oysh, so sorry, I really tried.) I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HIT!


"Your lubavitch is chabad 3.0, NOT chabad lubavitch according to chassidus chabad."

*Side note: it's 7.0



OK then, now that I have complied on my part I hope (?both of?)you will do the same and kindly refrain from commenting (ever) again on my blog, of course you're more then welcome to keep checking up on my blog and if you ever feel the need to get in touch with me again I would be more then glad to take you out to the beach and farbreng over a couple of beers.

Be well,
Chasidishe Shaigitz.

P.S. You might want to consider changing your name/role model. I would recommend that you check out moshes brother, I'm sure you've heard of him, his name is aharon and he is well known for his midah of "Ohev Shalom, V'rodef Shalom...