Thinking of doctors (Thank you all, I’m feeling much better now, and my ribs are almost fully healed) brought back a flood of childhood memories, some made me smile and others still freak me out, mainly the ones having to do with my childhood fear of needles (ok so needles still freak me out even now, but not as bad as then) here is just one of the many CS classics

My personal favorite is actually a dentist story. I must have been 6 or 7 at the time and the doc, who was a woman, decided that I had to have a tooth yanked out. Now as if that wasn’t enough to freak the heck out of me I was informed that I would need one or two shots of Novocain (or sleepy juice as my dentist called it) as well.

Appointment day arrived and scared me decided there was no way I was going through with that procedure, trust me I was biting on apple’s all day long (which never works when you want it to) anything so as not to have to go in for those needles, but to no avail. Appointment time arrives with my tooth still firmly set in my mouth and so there’s my mom trying to schlep me into the car to the dentists office and me doing my darn best to run away and lock myself in my room.

My mom eventually gave in and decided to try a different tactic, I was in love with baseball at that time and my mom knew that I was dieing to own a baseball bat, so she made a deal with me that if I went to the dentist and let the lady to what she had to, then she would take me out that very day and buy me my own bat! What can I say, my mom found my weak spot, and off we went to the dentist’s office…

After sitting on pins and needles in the waiting room for a bit, I was finally called into the torture chamber, oh I remember it like yesterday, the big brown leather dentist chair, the doc and her helper, my mom cheering me on by my side and there’s me, the poor little shaigitz about to pish in my pants out off fright. Putting on a brave face I let the doc put the apron over me and guzzled town at least two cups of free dentist water as she explained to me that I would need two “sleepy juice” shots, each one will only take 10 seconds, and she will even count out loud for me to know when its over, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. Yeah right!

Everything was going well, that brand new baseball bat was almost mine, and then the doc leaned over me with the needle in her hand… By G-d I’m pretty darn sure that woman never heard a child scream so loud before, boy was I frantic, but before I can jump out off my seat doc had her helper pinning me down! my mom begged me to cooperate, at least if I wanted that darn baseball bat, and so still wild eyed and whimpering I reluctantly let the doc pry my mouth open and jam that needle into my gums, I don’t recall her making it to 10 but let me tell you, it hurt!

Anyhow, one down and one to go, thing is that by then I had already given up all hope over that bat ‘cuz there was no way in hell I was going through with that second shot! The doc obviously had other plans as she had the helper hold me down yet again (which was no easy feat, as I was squirming around like a fish on land) and she mistakenly attempted the second dose of “sleepy juice” But I had already made up my mind, and there was no way I was going to allow that to happen!

So there she is leaning over me with the needle in hand, and her aid pinning me down to the chair, the doc slowly pry’s my mouth open yet again and slipped that needle into my gums… BITE! OMG you should have heard her scream! She put my vocal skills to shame, I bit down on hard her finger, so hard in fact that the needle along with her helper and all the rest of her equipment went flying, along me of course, running as fast as I can out of that office, past all the “freaked out” patients in the waiting room, who probably thought someone was dieing in there, with my mom chasing me out the door…

Needles to say, I never heard from that dentist again, and there was no way my mom would ever take any of the kids back there (as if they would allow anyone from my family back) from then on we went to a new dentist, one who was smart enough to hide the needle and not brandish it in front of my face like a gun, and as much as I complained how unfair it was, (hey I did get one shot after all,) I never did get that baseball bat.

I’m not going to get into all my other doctor/needle stories, but lets just say, they frequently included me bawling my head off (how embarrassing) and scenes which would seem as if from a war zone, and usually ending with teary eyed me making a hasty exit out of a deathly silent waiting room, with my red-faced mom or dad in tow.

Gosh I sure hope my kids wont be like me back then, although in my home it always made for a great excuse, whenever my parents left the house and one of the younger siblings would start crying because they wanted to go as well, we would simply inform the little one that mommy and daddy were going to visit the doctors to get needles… it worked every time :)

YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

READ ABOUT THIS GUY... (TRUE STORY FROM A FLORIDA NEWSPAPER)

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the Kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, then threw them in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His pants had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked her how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.



You still think you're having a bad day?

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally.....

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?



Shavua tov everyone, hope you all have a awesome week!

Heard this joke recently:

Q. What do you tell a guy on his 120th birthday
A. Have a great day :)

Quotes from Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Credit to Harry for sending this my way, thanks dude.

Official CS Bochur Dating Resume

15 Quick dating Q's for guys

GENERAL INFO.

Name: (Example) Chasidishe Shagitz Nick Name: Shaigitz’le
Sex: Deprived D.O.B.: 3/2/83

1. Reason for wanting to get married.
a) Parents kicking me out of the house
b) Feeling old and lonely
c) All my friends are married
d) Moms cooking sucks.
e) I wish I knew
f) I’ve reached that age you know

2. How many kids do you want to have?
a) Kids!?!?!?!?
b) 1 Boy, 1 Girl, Cat & a Dog
c) 7
d) Enough to have our own Minyan
e) 15+ No such thing as too many!

3. Expect to live in a…
a) Apartment
b) House
c) Doghouse
d) public park
e) Parents home is cool

4. Career.
a) Rabbi/Shliach
b) Scammer
c) Garbage truck driver
d) Respected beggar
e) Planning on winning the lottery
f) G-d will provide AKA father-in-law


HEALTH ISSUES

5. Would you consider yourself normal/sane?
a) 100.10% Normal
b) Normal is boring!
c) As long as I remember the take my meds
d) Compared to whom?

6. Do you smoke?
a) Quit at age 13
b) Never
c) Casual smoker
d) Addicted smoker
e) Pot, but strictly for Medicinal purposes!

7. Do you drink?
a) Waiting till I’m 41
b) only at Shalom Zachors and L’chaims
c) Occasional drinker
d) Every day is an occasion!

HYGIENE

8. Shower
a) Daily
b) Twice a day
c) Once a week
d) When I start attracting flies
e) Mikvah every morning

9. Deodorant
a) Every day
b) 3 times a day, I sweat a lot
c) Only if I smell
d) When people begin avoiding me
e) Cologne works fine


PERSONAL

10. Would you consider yourself good looking?
a) Brad pitt look-alike
b) My mom says I’m good looking
c) What’s wrong with pimples
d) Quasimodo look-alike
e) Mirrors shatter at the sight of me
f) Never judge a book by its cover!

11. Beard
a) Full beard
b) I roll it up
c) I trim, but you would never know
d) Professional picker
e) Clean shaven tushy face
f) Never grew!

12. Clothing
a) Strictly latest fashions
b) Only wear brand name clothing
c) Wal-mart and payless
d) Older brothers hand me downs

13. Neatness
a) Neat freak
b) Semi slob
c) Still searching for the bedroom floor
d) Need to call sanitation department and exterminators to clean my room

14. Education
a) Pre-school
b) High school or GED
c) Street smart is better than book smart
d) I know my ABC’s
e) 2 + 2 = 5
f) Survived the entire system
g) Smicha is a masters

15. Religious status
a) Religious & Chasidish
b) Chasidish but not religious
c) Religious
d) Frei
e) Chasidishe Shaigitz

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Have you tried taking the spoon out?

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Ponder This: The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the spitting image of his father!
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!

Doctor Vs. Mechanic
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

"Doctor, he's feeling kinda funny"

“Mommy I’m feeling sick, can I stay home from school today?”

Ahhhh, remember the good ole’ childhood days, when you wanted to stay home from school ‘cuz you werent feeling well… or at least pretended so ;) Those days were my favorites. Staying home from school was always fun, as it normally meant sitting in front of the video screen and watching videos all day, eating as much nosh as I wanted to, and yes, hanging out with my mom.

My mom is the greatest. Getting permission from my mom to stay home from school was never a problem, she understood us kids so well, I’ll always remember the stories my mom told me of how she used to play hooky with her sisters and end up in a shopping mall instead of in class, so if we ever weren’t feeling well or “weren’t feeling well about going to school” all we had to do was put a groggy look on our sweet angelic faces and walk over to our mom clutching either our stomachs or out heads, depending on what was meant to be hurting and whimper “Mommy, my stomach/head is hurting me, please can I stay home from school today, pullleeeezzee!”

Now I’d like to think that my mom actually knew whether we were faking or not, but she almost always let us stay home, especially if she happened to be going out shopping that day and needed a babysitter, oh boy those days were great, all we had to do was put the baby to sleep and then it was down to the kitchen to nosh and watch videos all day while checking up on that baby every once in a while and praying the kid would stay asleep until mommy got home. Then of course there were those days when we actually honestly weren’t feeling well, such as if we had strep or a virus. Although it’s never much fun to be sick my dear loving mom always made it worth it, a sore throat meant lots of hot cocoa in which we would dump tons of chocolate chips for extra flavor, Yummy. And if it were a stomachache then my mom would prepare for us special meals such as toast and butter or any other food which might have been good for us (chicken soup anyone?), and then we could lay in bed all day and read books forever, or sit in front of the video screen and all and end up with a “real” headache from movie overdose! Oy I tell you, those were the days.

I must point out however that there was one major obstacle to those amazing “sick” days, and that obstacle would be… My dad! Yup my daddy, you see, unlike my mom who has no special feelings toward school, my father teaches in one, yup my dad the teacher, and of course as you can imagine not just in any school but in my school, (trust me I’ve got plenty to write about that, but I’ll save it for another time) anyhow, so lets just say getting away with skipping school was not that easy with my dad, unlike my mom where all it took was a little puppy eyed begging, with my dad it was a whole different scene. My father would walk into our rooms every morning to wake us up to get ready to drive to school with him, and if we ever wanted to stay home we would have to put up a major show, the little headache act never fooled my dad, no way, to stay home required major pain, and we had to make it look like we meant it. We had to squirm and howl in pain to get off the hook, and pray that we would pass the lie detector test, and trust me, if we were to pass the test then that was the ultimate relief, once our dad left the room and we were home free, we would roll over with a beaming smile to the envy of the other siblings, and start planning out how to make the best out of “the sick day”

Thank G-d I’m 23 now and done with school, yet it always brings a smile to my face when I’m up in the morning and hear how my younger siblings are trying their best to talk their way out of going to school for the day. And I just had to smile to myself the other day when I didn’t manage to go to sleep until after 7 in the morning and as I’m heading down to my room to go to sleep my dad walks downstairs and asked me “CS, what are doing up now?” And I in reply put a pained look on my face and in the groggiest voice possible replied “Ta, its hard for me to sleep, I’m not feeling that well”

Ahhh, the good old days.

Ugh, I can't deal with this, feeling kind of sick, under the weather, (plus my ribs are still aching from simchas torah) no fun at all :( trying to blog but nothing will come into my stuffy head right now, arghh, I need a vacation!

Happy hangover ;)

Simchas Torah was awesome! Ok well most of it was, aside for maybe those one or two (or three) occasions… First night (Shmini Atzeres) I had interesting time, went around to a bunch of sukkah farbi’s, and ended up doing Hakafos at 3 in the morning in 770. No, I wasn’t rolling on the floor drunk out of my mind, but I’m pretty sure I took a nasty fall that night, as that is the only reasonable explanation I can think of for the scrape on my forehead, the cut on my knee, and the reason my ribs are killing me right now :( (Thank G-d I’m not a “violent drunk” (Ewww) so I’m sure it wasn’t a fight) but I must have it my head pretty darn hard ‘cuz that’s the only thing I can’t remember from that night.

But that (saying L’chaim) was only the first night, the second night however, although I did say some L’chaim, there was just no way I even getting buzzed, it just wasn’t working! And fine, I’ll admit that it might have had something to do with one of my friends needing “slight” Hatzalah care and a second one being rushed to the hospital (Don’t even ask, yet B”h all is well with them now,) still I still did my best, went trough all the hakafos and tried to feel the joy of simchas torah as best as possible in my (drunkenly) sober state of mind, in truth, bottom line, it felt great, singing and dancing with friends, everyone together, oh I just cant explain it, but whoever made it to [770] shul (and bypassed all the “negatives” then you) would understand (and I hope you all do) the amazing feeling that I’m talking about… the joy of simchas torah.

By the time the last day rolled around I wasn’t even getting near alcohol, yes it turns out I’m not such a great alcoholic after all, bummer, so sober me prayed and danced soberly throughout the day, and yes it wasn’t easy watching all the guys saying L’chaim and jumping up and down, but I’m glad to say that didn’t keep me from dancing myself, and although I’m pretty sure some L’chaim would have done me good, I still definitely enjoyed this chag and G-d willing I always will enjoy it for what it is, A TIME TO REJOICE!

Best line’s of the chag

My mom after seeing the bruise on my head, asking me what the heck happened, and me telling her I have no clue how I got it “But CS, since when did you start drinking! Why you don’t know the first thing about alcohol! You’re not a drinker!” Thank you Ma, I love you.

Levite washing a Kohen’s hand for Birchas Kohanim:
Kohen “Dude come on I gotta rush, you don’t have to pour so much water over my hands ya know”
Levite “hey listen buddy I don’t tell you how to do your blessings, so you don’t tell me how to wash your hands!”

Chag Sameach!

Just in time for Simchas Torah, hanging on the corner of kingstone and eastern pkwy near 770 :)

Had posted a whole post ony to realize now that it didnt post :( Bummer!

Anyhow just wanted to wish all my readers a happy holiday, all the best, moshiach now, and if not then hopefully I'll catch Y'all after yom tov.

Chag Sameach!

CS.

P.S. After tonights farbi and after a serious disscusion with a friend of mine, I think I have found my calling, (and no, its has nothing to dow with starting a AA here in CH brooklyn ;) wish me luck for the future.

Been trying to hold back a bit from the man/woman posts, but I found these recently and was too tempted to pass. Enjoy if you can :)

Words Women Use

"Fine" This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes" If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"Nothing" This is the calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".

"Go Ahead" This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

"Loud Sigh" Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"That's Okay" This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks" This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.



Common Questions asked by Women

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as apublic service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.

Wow, your father built a beautiful sukkah!
Did you help him?
Sure, I brought the first aid kit.

“Survivor” In the Jewish communities!
Jews all around the world are erecting huts also knows as “Sukkahs” in what appears to be the latest twist of the hit TV show “Survivor” The point of this episode is to build yourself a hut and live in it for eight days. Sounds easy? Think again, spokespersons for the show have informed us of just some of the challenges the Jewish participants will be facing, and they include brutal winds, torrential rain, and even some more interesting challenges such as placing a large plate full of honey in each of the participant’s huts to attract bees and all kinds of insects…

Gut Moed and Chag Sameach to Y'all :) Party on!

G-d I love this holiday! CS.

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN?

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

PHEW! Yom Kippur is over… Ok so truth is it wasn’t even that bad, or at least not as bad as I thought it would be, ya know its kinda funny how each year I find myself dreading yom kippur and thinking of how hard it’s going to be, and then once its over I’m like hey that wasn’t even that bad, gosh what was I whining about? But still thank G-d its over and I don’t have to think about till next year, and of course hopefully by then it will be Yom KiPURIM in Jerusalem! (Think about it Purim instead of Kippur, now that’s a HIGH holiday)

Short recap: YK was great, I drove down to my uncles place again to continue on with my chazzanos (no one went deaf on RH so they figured they’d allow me back for YK) I brought along two of my friends this time, (G and one Mr. anonymous) we left ON TIME this time around, which for me means leaving only around an hour late,(if you dont know what I'm talking about check out my RH Recap) but thank G-d we made it there on time for the “seudas hamafsekes” and enough time to “dip in the mik” My dear mom was actually worried that we would never make it there on time so she sent along with me a whole meal of chicken, meat and potatoes just “in case” we get stuck on the highway for yom tov (yup that’s my mom)

YK started and with my uncle doing Kol Nidrei, he did it with a lot of emotion but let me put it this way, as I always say about my family/relatives, we are all into music, some of us are singers while others are composers, meaning some of us have nice voices and know how to sing well B’h while others in the family, every time they try to sing a song they end up making up a new one… Go figure ;) I took over my uncle after Kol Nidrei for maariv only to realize that I had left my chazzanos papers on which I had written down all the tunes I was going to use in the car!!! Luckily I was able to recall most of the tunes while my uncle TRIED helping me out with some of his own, listen at least it was entertaining.

(After dinner… oops J/k what was I thinking,) after prayers the guys and I headed to the hotel lounge/library and stayed up for a few hours reading psalms (Hehe, I almost believed myself there) and then it was sleepy time until 10am for HIGH-bernating time in the synagogue. I was cantor for musaf and mincha while my uncle did shachris and N’ila, which was a good thing cuz by the time N’ila came around every time I stood up I was seeing potato chips and beer bottles floating around my head :0

All in all, the fast was over before I knew it, and after eating a bit, and of course crashing the hotel bar for a beer with G we were on our way home, with of course a short detour on the way to stop over at not one but two Wal-marts (G-d bless Wal-mart) anyhow back home now and looking forward to my favorite holiday, Sukkos!

I think the blessing for nowadays would be Gmar Chasima Tova, Shana Tova Build A Sukkah!

Getting ready for Sukkos :)

High holiday leftovers

Pinny this is just for you ;)

A guy walks into a Kosher pharmacy before YK and ask if they sell “Caffeine suppositories” for Yom Kippur, the clerk behind the counter confirms that yes he does sell them and asks him how many of them he wants one or two maybe?
“Give me 300 of them” says the guy.
“Three hundred!” Exclaims the clerk, “Sir most people don’t take more then two of them, what in world would you do with 300 of them?”
“Well you see explaines the guy “I’m sponsoring the shul’s Yom Kippr Kiddush”

Maftir “Jonah”

A little girl was noticed by a atheist, as she held her storybook, entitled "Jonah and the Whale." The atheist thought he would see if the little girl believed the story about Jonah. So, after saying Hi to the girl, he asked her to tell him about the book she was holding. The girl said the book was about Jonah, and how he was swallowed by a whale. The atheist asked: "Do you believe that really happened?"
The little girl replied, "yes, I believe the story of Jonah is true." You mean you really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and okay? She said, "Absolutely -- this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Hebrew school today!"
Then the atheist asked, "How can you prove that the story about Jonah is true?" She thought for a moment, and then said, "When I get to Heaven I'll ask Jonah."
The atheist then asked, "What if Jonah's NOT in Heaven?" She put her hands on her little waist, and sternly said: "Then YOU can ask him!"


RH Leftover

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must
be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and
so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have
only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.
They are Russian."